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Stay if You’d Like, Leave if You’d Like: A new policy for military gayness in the 21st Century

As the US military closes one of its darkest chapters, the era of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell”, millions of gay servicemembers breathe a sigh of relief that they will finally be able to gargle balls and tell everybody about it.

Serving in the military is a right, which means that no one may make rules governing the behavior of military members. Rules discriminate against those who break them. Not only is military service a right, but those who serve have a right to tell everyone what kind of sexual antics they are into. And no one has the right to vocally disapprove. This is not a restriction on anyone’s freedom because those who disapprove may continue to do so, in the privacy of their own minds. Consider it a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy for soldiers of faith. Except the military might ask from time to time, and if it does, all servicemembers better say that they’re completely onboard with homosexuals in the ranks or they will be disciplined.

I’m glad the policy is being repealed. I’ve wanted to join the Navy ever since I heard about all of the  se(a)men. Back then, the submarine force was all men, which seemed like an attractive benefit of service. I’d like to go underwater with a bunch of dudes for weeks at a time. When I was younger I called a recruiter and he had me all signed up and ready to ship off to basic training. Then I had to go and shoot off my big mouth and I lost that opportunity. The recruiter wouldn’t let me join because I kept complimenting him on how his ass looked in that uniform.

Three gay airmen appear to want to get out of the Air Force right under the wire. Read it at the Stars and Stripes:

http://www.stripes.com/news/special-reports/don-t-ask-don-t-tell/three-gay-airmen-request-discharge-before-don-t-ask-don-t-tell-ends-1.147626

Dan Choi, posterboy for the repeal of DADT. He's really patriotic. He's so patriotic that he plans to go right back into the military as soon as the repeal is a fait accompli. Of course, he could have stayed in the entire time, but that would have required him to keep quiet about his sex life. So I guess his patriotism wasn't quite as important as talking about the boys he's been dating. But still, he's a pretty damned patriotic. He's not actually a lieutenant anymore, but he wears the uniform as if he were. That's probably a good thing since service members are prohibited from using their unifroms as props and thus may not wear them to political events.

DADT may find itself on the ash heap of history by the end of the summer, but these three homosexuals decided to make a break for it while they still can. They outed themselves and asked to be discharged.

I had to ask myself what I thought about this. On the one hand, I’m completely opposed to the discriminatory policy, but on the other hand I still think homosexuals should be able to enter and leave the service at their own whim and convenience. If military service ever gets in the way of what they feel like doing at the moment, I think they should be able to scoot. And if they feel like re-joining the next day, they should be able to do that as well. No one should be FORCED to serve, even those who raised their right hands and signed enlistment contracts. So if these particular gays want to be “discharged” (giggle, giggle) before they get shipped to Afghanistan or somewhere, then I’m fine with that.

In other news, Petty Officer 2nd Class Eric Morado recently avoided being discharged under DADT. The gay sailor (redundant, I know) was retained in the Navy after pictures of him making out with another dude were found on MySpace. A three judge panel chose to keep Morado even though the repeal of DADT has not yet been certified. The prosecution offered no witnesses.

And there you have it. Even though the policy of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell is still in place, the military has decided that it will not enforce it. So, if a sailor wants to stay in the Navy, he can stay. Despite the fact that the policy is still in effect. On the other hand, if three airmen feel like going home, they can still do that. Because DADT is still in effect. Homos like me can use the policy to get out if we want, but if we’d rather not, then we can stay in and yammer on about our sexual delights to other people who don’t want to hear about it and we’ll be spared any punishment at all for violating the policy that’s still in place.

As far as I can tell, the only coherent policy we have now should be called “Stay if You’d Like, Leave if You’d Like.” And that’s a pretty good policy.

America's Navy: A Global Force for Good. Ha! So corny. Anyway, I'm starting to like this Obama military more and more. Did you hear that cigarettes are now prohibited on submarines? Yep, smoking cigarettes is out and smoking pole is in! Smoke 'em if ya got 'em.

The three airmen who wanted to get out really threw me for a loop. I thought homosexual servicemembers were the most patriotic of all. And I thought they “just wanted to serve their country”. But these three DON’T want to serve their country and they’re getting out. I have to find a rationalization to explain this away.

I’d venture a guess that these three are perhaps not really and truly gay. It’s possible that they’re just trying to find a way out of their contracts. And I applaud them for that. People who skeeze out of their military duties are brave. I’m sure it’s because they’re opposed to all of these illegal, immoral wars that we’re in. Well, they stopped being illegal and immoral the moment BHO took office, but I can still understand why they wouldn’t want to go. Afghanistan sounds like a dangerous place.

Back while this debate was still hot, I used to argue that the policy should be abandoned because it cost us too many perfectly good soldiers. Over the course of about seventeen years, approximately 13,000 servicemembers got the boot just because they were peter-puffers. That’s actually an incredibly small percentage, but I made it sound like a big number for the purposes of argument. I remember once, while I was cruising around on military blogs, trying to pass myself off as a super gungho airborne ranger commando dude with a chest full of medals, I used that stastic on someone who supported the policy. He told me that the number thirteen thousand is probably all wrong. A large number of those thirteen thousand were probably heteros who just wanted to get the hell out of the military. They needed an excuse and they found one. If that excuse hadn’t been there, they would have found another.

I balked, of course. No one should question my statistic. Thirteen thousand soldiers got chaptered out and that means thirteen thousand of them were homos. They were ultra smart Arabic linguists in sensitive poitions doing great work for their country. They were the cream of the crop, all patriotic Americans.  None of them were lying heteros. But now that I need the plausible explanation, I think I’ll use it.

So those unpatriotic “gay” airmen who are being kicked out aren’t really gay. I know they’re not because gay people just want to serve their country, despite the fact that their country sucks and oppresses them for being different. So, if someone is trying to use DADT to get out now, then he must not really be queer. Don’t get me wrong–lying heteros should be allowed to skate as well. It would be really detrimental to our armed forces if people left en masse, which is why I’d really like to do just that. In fact, that was the whole point of repealing DADT!

I will leave you with one of my favorite military videos, a classic from 1979. It’s called “In the Navy” from The Village People.

“We want you! We want you! We want you as a new recruit!”

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