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Gay military members to discuss deeply personal matter with entire world

As we approach the final demise of the military’s “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” (DADT) policy, there is much reason to celebrate. Personally, I wish the policy hadn’t existed when I was a young chap because I was truly compelled out of a strong sense of patriotism to enlist in the United States Navy. Also, I heard about the se(a)men they have and about the pants that zip in the back. But the mean military people wouldn’t let me.

With boys like this, who wouldn't want to join the military? Seriously, though...is it too late?

Well, that’s not exactly true. Actually, I could have joined the military if I had been prepared to simply keep my mouth shut about my sexual activity, but I wasn’t willing to do that. I really wanted to be an “out and proud” in-your-face activist working within the military to further my own personal agenda rather than the mission.  I liked to think of myself as a patriot, but the truth was I wasn’t patriotic enough to do my duty if it meant that I couldn’t also be a “change agent” at the same time. Turned out I was a lot more gay than I was patriotic. After I told my recruiter about my dilemma and complimented him a few times on how his ass looked in that uniform, he told me to get lost.

It was really a sad day for equal rights.

Fortunately, the policy has since been reversed. DADT will officially bite the dust this September 20th. From that day forward, homosexuals can be just as gay as they want to be and nobody better say a word about it or they will be disciplined.

It’s called mutual respect. You know–just the same way we show respect to people of faith when we harass, intimidate, and blacklist them, when we joke about their “magic underwear”, when we tell them that their God hates them and they’re going to hell for being bigots, when we misrepresent their beliefs, when we accuse them of all being a bunch of child molesters, KKK members, and Nazis. Now that’s respect.

I fully expect de facto and de jure special treatment to follow the repeal. It’s only fair–women and minorities get it, and so should pillow-biters. We’re oppressed, and now you owe us.

A new military-themed LGBTQXYZ magazine will appear on PX shelves starting on the very day of the repeal. It’s called “OutServe”. It’s been in existence for several months now, though the military has declined to sell it on base. I bought a copy of it because I want to keep abreast of the challenges that gay military personnel face on a daily basis. Just kidding! I was looking for thinly veiled male prostitute advertisements tucked away in the “personals” section. You know how I like my military boys. (Unfortunately, I didn’t find any.)

OutServe: the new magazine for the LGBTQXYZ military community to sound off about their sexuality as loudly as possible.

The first issue to hit the PX shelves will list the names of over a hundred LGBTQXYZ active duty military members. Rumor has it that ninety-nine of them are  Navy boys and one is a military intelligence analyst who is currently sitting in the brig for betraying his country to a creepy lo0king Australian after having a spat with his drag queen boyfriend.

I’m really glad that gays and lesbians can now be “out”. Because “outness” is what we really wanted. Now, don’t get me wrong–my sexuality is still a very private matter, and that’s what I tell anyone who disapproves of my sodomy.

Mind your own damned business, will you? What does it matter to you what I do in the privacy of my bedroom?

And when you think about it, it makes perfect sense that a personal, private matter like sexuality should be shared with the entire world on the glossy pages of a magazine. I do much the same thing with other private matters.

For example, I had some bad hemorrhoids a few weeks back. Kind of embarassing, certainly a private matter. And the first thing I did was send out a press release to my local newspaper. LOCAL GAY MAN SUFFERS FROM A REALLY BAD CASE OF ‘RHOIDS. Everyone knows that personal matters are always declared as loudly and boldly as possible, preferably in print. After that, I went out and marched in a hemorrhoid pride parade. Yep, they really exist. Even though my hemorrhoids were a private matter, I really felt like walking down Main Street and shouting to everyone I saw that I have hemorrhoids. Then I went out and slapped a bumper sticker on my car that said, ‘I have hemorrhoids and I VOTE’. I delved into the hemorrhoid positive side of the blogosphere.  I have since joined a professional organization for hemorrhoid sufferers. I’m a guidance counselor, so I joined the National Organization of Guidance Counselors Suffering from Hemorrhoids (NOGCSFH).

Okay, so I can’t tell a lie this big with a straight face. The truth is that we homosexuals have never wanted to be left alone, we have never wanted our private lives to remain private. If that’s all we had wanted, we would have been totally satisfied with the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy. After all, we wouldn’t want anyone to ask us about such a personal matter, and we certainly wouldn’t want to tell anyone about such a personal matter either.

Prior to the 1993 policy change, the military did ask and service members were expected to tell. Right there on the enlistment forms, all recruits were asked if they were homosexuals. I know a guy who joined the Marines prior to DADT and he tells me that when he arrived at Parris Island the D.I.’s asked him over and over again the same question in a hundred different ways–“Are you a peter-puffer? Do you suck dick?”

Gunnery Sergeant Hartmann (R. Lee Ermy): "Are you a peter-puffer? Do you suck dick?" "Sir! No, sir!" "Bullshit! I bet you could suck a golf ball through a garden hose!"

But after 1993, they stopped asking. And we still weren’t satisfied because keeping our sexuality private was NEVER our goal. To the contrary! Being a loud and proud queer is exactly what we wanted, and we wanted to do it within the United States military. For more on loud and proud queers, just type Lieutenant (sic) Dan Choi  into any search engine.

DADT was simply a stepping stone toward our actual goal. You see, some gay genius came up with a spectacular slogan that has worked like gangbusters to change public opinion on the topic of butt-stabbing. You may have heard it. It goes: “What two consenting adults do in the privacy of their bedroom is no one else’s business.”

It appealed to the libertarian side of the American center. It happened to be bullshit, but it was highly affective bullshit, so we ran with it. The slogan had the affect of portraying our opponents as the aggressors. We just want to be left alone in the privacy our own bedrooms, but these people want to break down our doors to find out what we’re doing in here.

Despite the fact that we were making aggressive thrusts into their sphere, we made it look as if the opposite were true. And then we repeated this slogan over and over again, whenever gayness was at issue. We cited the old “privacy of their bedroom” argument when talking about gay marriage, as if people get married in their bedrooms. No, a marriage contract is a public recognition of a relationship. We want an official marriage certificate from the state precisely because we want to get the government involved in our amorous relationships. If we wanted them to stay out of it, we’d never want to get married! We’d just shack up and go about our lives.

These two women just want people to butt out what they do as two consenting adults in the privacy of their own bedroom. That's why they're making out in the middle of the street while representing the Navy on their t-shirts. Why people have to pry into their sex lives, I don't know.

And now here we are in 2011. The private bedroom behavior of consenting (military) adults is no longer private. It’s proclaimed boldly in the pages of OutServe. Now that’s what I call progress!

Hey, did you hear that Sergeant Jones takes it in the poopchute? Yeah, I read it in this magazine. Shhh! I don’t think he wants anyone to know. He’s a very private person and besides, it doesn’t even matter.

And thus, it begins. Give it time, and we’ll have gay pride marches and gay bars on military bases, special services for gay veterans, special recruiting materials just to get gays to enlist. We’ll force military personnel to march in gay parades just the same way we’ve already forced firemen in San Diego and Providence to do the same thing. We’ll have gay affirmative action programs like we have here in the Massachusetts state government. We’ll require all of the services to have at least one LGBTQXYZ three star general/admiral by a certain date just the same way we did with women. And then we’ll require chaplains to perform gay marriages against their will. We’ll discipline soldiers of faith for holding opinions we don’t like.

Gayness will be ubiquitous kind of like it is on college campuses. Because anything less than ubiquitous homosexuality constitutes an intrusion into the private bedroom behavior of consenting adults.

We’re here, we’re queer, get used to it!

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Stay if You’d Like, Leave if You’d Like: A new policy for military gayness in the 21st Century

As the US military closes one of its darkest chapters, the era of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell”, millions of gay servicemembers breathe a sigh of relief that they will finally be able to gargle balls and tell everybody about it.

Serving in the military is a right, which means that no one may make rules governing the behavior of military members. Rules discriminate against those who break them. Not only is military service a right, but those who serve have a right to tell everyone what kind of sexual antics they are into. And no one has the right to vocally disapprove. This is not a restriction on anyone’s freedom because those who disapprove may continue to do so, in the privacy of their own minds. Consider it a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy for soldiers of faith. Except the military might ask from time to time, and if it does, all servicemembers better say that they’re completely onboard with homosexuals in the ranks or they will be disciplined.

I’m glad the policy is being repealed. I’ve wanted to join the Navy ever since I heard about all of the  se(a)men. Back then, the submarine force was all men, which seemed like an attractive benefit of service. I’d like to go underwater with a bunch of dudes for weeks at a time. When I was younger I called a recruiter and he had me all signed up and ready to ship off to basic training. Then I had to go and shoot off my big mouth and I lost that opportunity. The recruiter wouldn’t let me join because I kept complimenting him on how his ass looked in that uniform.

Three gay airmen appear to want to get out of the Air Force right under the wire. Read it at the Stars and Stripes:

http://www.stripes.com/news/special-reports/don-t-ask-don-t-tell/three-gay-airmen-request-discharge-before-don-t-ask-don-t-tell-ends-1.147626

Dan Choi, posterboy for the repeal of DADT. He's really patriotic. He's so patriotic that he plans to go right back into the military as soon as the repeal is a fait accompli. Of course, he could have stayed in the entire time, but that would have required him to keep quiet about his sex life. So I guess his patriotism wasn't quite as important as talking about the boys he's been dating. But still, he's a pretty damned patriotic. He's not actually a lieutenant anymore, but he wears the uniform as if he were. That's probably a good thing since service members are prohibited from using their unifroms as props and thus may not wear them to political events.

DADT may find itself on the ash heap of history by the end of the summer, but these three homosexuals decided to make a break for it while they still can. They outed themselves and asked to be discharged.

I had to ask myself what I thought about this. On the one hand, I’m completely opposed to the discriminatory policy, but on the other hand I still think homosexuals should be able to enter and leave the service at their own whim and convenience. If military service ever gets in the way of what they feel like doing at the moment, I think they should be able to scoot. And if they feel like re-joining the next day, they should be able to do that as well. No one should be FORCED to serve, even those who raised their right hands and signed enlistment contracts. So if these particular gays want to be “discharged” (giggle, giggle) before they get shipped to Afghanistan or somewhere, then I’m fine with that.

In other news, Petty Officer 2nd Class Eric Morado recently avoided being discharged under DADT. The gay sailor (redundant, I know) was retained in the Navy after pictures of him making out with another dude were found on MySpace. A three judge panel chose to keep Morado even though the repeal of DADT has not yet been certified. The prosecution offered no witnesses.

And there you have it. Even though the policy of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell is still in place, the military has decided that it will not enforce it. So, if a sailor wants to stay in the Navy, he can stay. Despite the fact that the policy is still in effect. On the other hand, if three airmen feel like going home, they can still do that. Because DADT is still in effect. Homos like me can use the policy to get out if we want, but if we’d rather not, then we can stay in and yammer on about our sexual delights to other people who don’t want to hear about it and we’ll be spared any punishment at all for violating the policy that’s still in place.

As far as I can tell, the only coherent policy we have now should be called “Stay if You’d Like, Leave if You’d Like.” And that’s a pretty good policy.

America's Navy: A Global Force for Good. Ha! So corny. Anyway, I'm starting to like this Obama military more and more. Did you hear that cigarettes are now prohibited on submarines? Yep, smoking cigarettes is out and smoking pole is in! Smoke 'em if ya got 'em.

The three airmen who wanted to get out really threw me for a loop. I thought homosexual servicemembers were the most patriotic of all. And I thought they “just wanted to serve their country”. But these three DON’T want to serve their country and they’re getting out. I have to find a rationalization to explain this away.

I’d venture a guess that these three are perhaps not really and truly gay. It’s possible that they’re just trying to find a way out of their contracts. And I applaud them for that. People who skeeze out of their military duties are brave. I’m sure it’s because they’re opposed to all of these illegal, immoral wars that we’re in. Well, they stopped being illegal and immoral the moment BHO took office, but I can still understand why they wouldn’t want to go. Afghanistan sounds like a dangerous place.

Back while this debate was still hot, I used to argue that the policy should be abandoned because it cost us too many perfectly good soldiers. Over the course of about seventeen years, approximately 13,000 servicemembers got the boot just because they were peter-puffers. That’s actually an incredibly small percentage, but I made it sound like a big number for the purposes of argument. I remember once, while I was cruising around on military blogs, trying to pass myself off as a super gungho airborne ranger commando dude with a chest full of medals, I used that stastic on someone who supported the policy. He told me that the number thirteen thousand is probably all wrong. A large number of those thirteen thousand were probably heteros who just wanted to get the hell out of the military. They needed an excuse and they found one. If that excuse hadn’t been there, they would have found another.

I balked, of course. No one should question my statistic. Thirteen thousand soldiers got chaptered out and that means thirteen thousand of them were homos. They were ultra smart Arabic linguists in sensitive poitions doing great work for their country. They were the cream of the crop, all patriotic Americans.  None of them were lying heteros. But now that I need the plausible explanation, I think I’ll use it.

So those unpatriotic “gay” airmen who are being kicked out aren’t really gay. I know they’re not because gay people just want to serve their country, despite the fact that their country sucks and oppresses them for being different. So, if someone is trying to use DADT to get out now, then he must not really be queer. Don’t get me wrong–lying heteros should be allowed to skate as well. It would be really detrimental to our armed forces if people left en masse, which is why I’d really like to do just that. In fact, that was the whole point of repealing DADT!

I will leave you with one of my favorite military videos, a classic from 1979. It’s called “In the Navy” from The Village People.

“We want you! We want you! We want you as a new recruit!”

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