Just another WordPress.com site

Posts tagged ‘Mormons’

Taking a “wait and see” attitude on this one

We can all breathe a sigh of relief now that Isaiah Kalebu has now been found guilty of the brutal rape and murder of a lesbian couple at their Seattle home in 2009. Kalebu broke into the women’s home at night, raped, slashed, and stabbed the women. One of the women, Teresa Butz, died as a result of the attack.

http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/localnews/2015486242_kalebu02m.html

And of course you know that GOD told him to do it, as he testified in court. Yes, this was a religious matter. God told him to rape and murder some lesbians and he did it. “I was there and I was told by my God, the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, to attack my enemies, and I did so,” said Kalebu.

Isaiah Kalebu, convicted murderer and rapist. He says that God told him to do it. It's a little unclear which God he means, so I have a hard time deciding whether I should be up in arms about this. Is there some way we can blame the Mormons for this?

I immediately scoured the internet to determine which hateful branch of Christianity he belongs to. Is he a Southern Baptist? A Catholic? Or was he perhaps part of the underwear cult (Latter Day Saints)? Or, could he be…A JEW? I searched and searched, looking high and low, and yet I couldn’t find it. It was almost as if it was being purposely concealed.

Uh oh, I thought. Usually when the religion of a perpetrator is concealed it’s because he’s a Muslim. That could be a problem. You see, the most violent, hateful religion in the entire world towards the LGBTQXYZ community is Islam. We homos tend to shy away from criticizing them because A) they’re also a recognized victim group entitled to special protection from criticism, and B) they’re really fucking scary.

Here’s an example of what happens to homosexuals like me in Muslim countries:

Okay, so it's probably better to be a homo here in oppressive America than it is in many other parts of the world. These two Iranian boys were caught in a passionate embrace and they ended up being dangled from the end of a rope. Well, the situation here is almost as oppressive. We have Carrie Prejean and Christian radio, for example.

If I had any balls at all–which I don’t–I’d spend a little of my time and energy mocking Muslims. I’d go out and write a script for a new musical. Rather than calling it The Book of Mormon, I’d call my play The Holy Qur’an. It would be a satirical and mocking portrayal of the Muslim religion. We’d have a grand old time making fun of the known child molester, Mohammed. That’s right, the founder of the Muslim religion took a nine year-old bride. I think you can imagine what I’d say about that if Saint Paul or Joseph Smith had taken a nine year-old bride. Well, no one in their right mind would make a play that mocked the holy scriptures of Islam–the religion of peace–because most people don’t want to end up with the business end of an AK-47 shoved in their mouth.

As you can see, I don’t have any balls, and that’s really the problem. People who mock Islam have a bad habit of dying shortly thereafter. So I pick on the nerdy, white bread Mormon missionaries because I know they won’t fight back. I pick on the Catholics, the evangelicals and basically anyone who won’t kill me. I pick on beauty queens from California and the elderly. I pick on the Boy Scouts for crying out loud! Is there anything more cowardly than that?

Christians just think I ought to find a nice girl and settle down with her. Muslim want me dead. Literally.

That’s why, for example, I’m obsessed with the Ugandan “kill gays” bill. Uganda is a third world hell hole, far away from where I live. But I care deeply about the homosexuals who live there. Of course, killing gays is old hat in large parts of Africa–the Muslim parts. It’s not new, it’s not controversial, and I’m not doing a damned thing about it. I care about Uganda because it’s Christians in this rare instance who are calling for the death of homosexuals. It allows me to extrapolate that sentiment to all Christians. That way, if some one believes that marriage should be between one man and one woman, I can accuse that person of secretly harboring a desire to kill me. Just like in Uganda.

So, for the moment, I’m just going to have to do some sleuthing. When this guy says that “God” told him to rape and murder these lesbians, did he mean Allah? Because, if he did, I’ll just leave this one alone. There are some clues. First of all, the Qur’an really DOES tell the adherents of the Muslim faith to kill the enemies of Islam. Also, Isaiah Kalebu sounds like an African name. Africans are far more likely than African-Americans to be Muslims. Of course, the biggest clue that he’s Muslim is that the news clippings don’t mention his religion at all. If they could have pinned this on any one of those hateful Christians sects, they would have. That’s just called good journalism.

In the absence of proof that this guy was a Christian, I think I’ll have to let this one simmer for a bit. I’m taking a wait and see attitude. I’ve noticed that most of the gay blogosphere is as well. This is not a Matthew Shepard incident. Shepard was killed by a bisexual drug fiend. But the bisexual drug fiend was a white guy from the Rocky Mountain region, so it was easy enough to portray him as a religious zealot who was taught to hate by the churchy people. All we had to do was lie a little bit.

Does anyone have any information on this? I’d really like to make some hay out of this incident, I’m just not sure whether he belongs to a protected group or not. If anyone has any information as to this man’s religious affiliation, please let me know in the comments section.

Advertisements

I ♥ NY (The Jews? Not so much.)

As I’m sure you have all already heard, New York has become the sixth state in the union to pass marriage equality.  I was absolutely giddy to hear the news.  Finally, those guys from the Village People can start pairing off together!

Now that we have vanquished our bigoted foes, I think it’s about time we seek to personally destroy anyone who opposed us. Democracy works a lot better when we intimidate, blacklist, harass and persecute our opponents. Wait, did I say democracy? I usually don’t like democracy, not unless it yields the results I want, as it did last night in Albany. Minority rights must never be voted on, unless my side wins and then I get a tear in my eye and I celebrate with champagne. In the future, we must devise a form of democracy that ensures that my side wins every time.

I really like how the homosexuals of California handled their Prop H8 defeat. Blacklisting their (mostly Mormon and Catholic) opponents guarantees that anyone who disagrees with us will think twice in the future about voting, speaking, or donating money. Blacklisting used to be a bad thing, back when the Hollywood studios used it against the Stalinist Left for about fifteen minutes during the McCarthyite 1950’s. I know it was bad because I’ve seen about sixteen movies and four PBS documentaries about it. But those were just utopian visionaries who wanted to bring the oppressive Soviet system to America, so let’s not compare them to the moral monsters who object to redefining marriage.

That’s why I was thrilled to discover a website pop up after Prop H8 called stopthemormons.org. Click on the site on my blog roll. As the bloggers explain in their FAQ, “Stop the Mormons” is not a bigoted, anti-Mormon site because Mormons really do deserve all the hate they get. Personally, I’ve never met a Mormon, but I kind of agree. Hating people who deserve to be hated isn’t hate. Also, the bloggers filled their website with testimony from all sorts of token non-Mormon Mormons that prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that they don’t hate Mormons. They even have a picture of noted Mormon Harry Reid on their site. And everyone knows that Harry Reid is a super-devout Mormon. He just pretends that he isn’t in public.

Harry Reid, a devout Mormon. See? He's praying! Right there at the podium. Ha! Just kidding. Harry Reid doesn't believe any of that Mormon crap, and if he did we'd kneecap that motherfucker too. Still, it's nice to have guys like him around that provide us cover for our anti-Mormon hate.

As it turns out, there aren’t many Mormons in New York, so they weren’t as much of a force as they were in California.  I’m sure they were still hanging out in their caves in the desert, meddling in the affairs of New York from afar and marrying multiple underage brides.

But from what I saw, the main opponents of New York’s marriage equality bill were THE JEWS! So I immediately ran to my computer and tried to register the domain name “stopthejews.org”. But then I thought to myself, “Wait a second, Patrick. That sounds kind of anti-Semitic”.

But no, it isn’t true! I have lots of Jewish friends. None of them actually practice Judaism, but at least they’ve had their kosher franks circumcised. I know this because I’ve seen all of my friends’ dicks up close.  So I had a little debate with myself, right then and there. I asked myself, if someone had a website called “Stop the blacks” or “Stop the Mexicans”, would I consider that racist? Yes, I would.  If someone had a blog called “Stop the gays”, would I consider that homophobic? Yes, I certainly would. If someone had a blog called “Stop the Muslims”, would I consider that Islamophobic? Yes. And heaven knows that I’m deathly afraid of being called Islamaphobic.

But this is different! I would even go out of my way to find Jews who agree with me and lace the website with quotes from them, thus proving that a website about “stopping the Jews” is not really anti-Jewish. It’s kind of the same thing with the Mormons. I DO NOT hate Mormons. I just hate people who subscribe to the Mormon faith. If, for example, you are a Mormon who doesn’t actually believe any of that Mormon crap, then we’re cool. That way, you can provide cover for me against the charge that I am anti-Mormon. It’s the same with the Jews.

So let me clarify what I mean by “stop the Jews”. I am NOT against Jews. I love secular Hollywood Jews like Steven Spielberg. The well-known director and Eagle Scout even told the Boy Scouts of America to piss off over their no homosexual policy. Which is great, because I really think that the BSA should allow me to take little boys camping. It’s a travesty that they don’t. It’s good to know that when a wholesome youth organization dedicated to building character and helping little old ladies across the street is in a pitched battle with a group of foaming-at-the-mouth homosexuals, Steven Spielberg knows which side he’s on. I REALLY like the secular Hollywood Jews who happen to be gay–David Geffen and Joel Schumacher, for example. They make lots of great propaganda films.

And there are loads of good Jews in politics. Take, for example, Anthony’s Weiner, the recently deposed Congressman from New York. Now there was a nasty, arrogant, loud-mouth, in-your-face Jew that I could have really gotten along with. And since he’s never had the pretense of standing for “family values” (quote-unquote), then what he did was not hypocritical. And so it’s fine. There’s nothing wrong with being a dirtbag so long as you never pretended to have any moral standards in the first place. And really, you gotta like a Congressman who plays dress up in a bra and panties. My husband and I did that last weekend, so it’s kind of neat to know that a congressman does the same thing.

Anthony Weiner in his crazy college days. I thought he was just an arrogant prick. Who knew he had a softer side? He's a good Jew. We like this Jew.

No, the kind of Jews I hate are the ones with the hats and the beards and the lamb chops. Y’know–the churchy Jews. I guess you would call them synagogue-y Jews. Just last week, a group calling itself “Jews for Decency” descended upon the state house in Albany like locusts, doing their best to ambush senators and persuade them to vote “no” on marriage equality. Yeah right, more like “Jews for Fascism”. As I’ve found in the past, “decency” is basically a code word for fascism. Beware of anyone who uses it. Check out their website here:

http://www.jewsfordecency.org

Oh, the Jews and their “decency”. Don’t they know that religious organizations have no say whatsoever in governmental affairs? That’s what we patriotic Americans like to call the “seperation of church and state”. It’s been part of the American legal tradition ever since a KKK member named Justice Hugo Black inserted it into his majority opinion in order to deprive Catholics the use of public facilities. It’s not actually in the Constitution, but that’s good enough for me. Now, if some short, dumpy, bi-curious, genderqueer Methodist minister from some ultra-left wing church in a college town wants to come testify before the New York legislature, that’s okay. It’s okay because everyone knows (s)he doesn’t really believe in God, and thus the seperation of church and state no longer applies.

Rabbi Leiter of Jews for "Decency" walks and talks with Republican Senator James Alesi. Thankfully, Alesi told this Jew-boy to take a hike and voted YES on marriage equality. Good for him. And as for Rabbi Leiter--now I know why your people have been hated down through history. Don't you dare try to twist that as some kind of anti-Semitic remark.

I was thinking to myself that we should handle these Jews just the same way we handled the Mormons. For example, we should boycott Jewish-owned business, just like we boycotted Mormon-owned businesses. We should vandalize their houses of worship just the same way we did to Catholics and Mormons after Prop H8. But then a thought occurred to me–wait a second, if we treated Jews the same way we treated Mormons,  someone might draw a connection between our intimidation campaign and Kristallnacht. And then the Jews would be able to claim “victimhood”.

"Kauft nicht bei Juden!" (Don't buy from Jews!) I was thinking we could mount a campaign like this after last night's marriage equality vote. It seemed to work with the Mormons. But someone might see some historical parallels, so let's not do it. We're going to have to find another way to punish the Jews. I'm open to ideas, just leave a comment.

So let’s recap. I want to find a way to punish the Jews for participating in the democratic process on the other side of an issue about which I feel strongly. That does not mean that I am anti-Jewish, because I don’t hate all Jews. I only hate Jews who practice Judaism and believe that silly book they’ve been lugging around for like five thousand years. I’d like to treat them just like the we treated the Mormons after Proposition 8–unleash so much bile and discrimination against them that they’ll never even dream of opposing us in the future. Not that I’m anti-Mormon. Of course, if I treated the Jews the same way that I treated the Mormons, someone might see shades of Nazism in my actions. And I don’t want that.

Tag Cloud