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Posts tagged ‘Marcus Bachmann’

Who’s up for hate-fucking some Republicans?

The fallout continues over Marcus and Michele Bachmann’s wacky, zany, “pray away the gay” therapy clinic. I think you’ll all agree with me that the blowback has been delicious.

So I was watching Real Time with Bill Maher the other night just because I heard that one of his panelists was going to be Dan Savage, my favorite gay sex columnist and an all around sick puppy. Of course, Bill brought up the topic of the Bachmanns and their clinic. It didn’t take more than a few seconds before someone threw out the old “Marcus Bachmann is obviously a repressed homosexual” line, and the fun began. Let’s just say that the banter that followed was hilarious.

Surprisingly, it wasn’t Maher or Savage who really got it started. It was comedian Marc Maron.

“I don’t want to be crass, but I just hope that Marcus Bachmann takes all that, ya know, that rage that comes from repression and denial and brings it into the bedroom with [Michelle]. I hope he fucks her angrily, because that’s how I would. And I’ve thought about it.”

Is that funny or what? Certainly not “crass”. He’s daydreamed about giving it to Michele Bachmann…with malice! Ha Ha! The audience lapped it up, laughing and hooting. Everyone knows that Bill Maher has one of the hippest, savviest, coolest audiences in all of television. I know that I was laughing so hard I nearly spilled my Zima all over myself. I was just whooping and slapping my knees. Ha! Ha! Rape jokes are funny!

Bill Maher and Marc Maron chat about raping a congresswoman. HBO represents the best in television.

Now, I know that may sound like he was admitting to rape fantasies. I mean, it’s hard to imagine a woman consenting to being “fucked angrily”. Consensual hate-fucking seems like a contradiction in terms. Here you go bitch. I’m going to manhandle you. Lay still while pound you. Squeal for me bitch! Squeal for me! And for this guy to have fantasies about it, well…it sounds like he’s got some issues with misogyny that he needs to deal with.

Normally, I would be against that kind of thing. Rape, I mean. Or even just misogynistic fantasies. But this is Michele Bachmann we’re talking about. She’s a right-wing Christian and basically less than human. And so it’s really funny. That’s why the audience roared. No one was laughing harder than me. I’d fuck her angrily myself if it weren’t for the fact that I don’t like women.

It appears that Dan Savage detected the subtle misogyny in Marc Maron’s jokes, so he immediately leapt into action, providing cover for Marc’s comments.

“Just so you don’t get charges of sexism, because only Michele Bachmann was involved. I sometimes think about fucking the shit out of Rick Santorum. Just ’cause I think he needs it. It’s not just women we are talking about fucking. It’s like, ‘let’s bone that Santorum boy.’”
Nice save, Savage! See, so if you balance a disgusting, hateful, violent joke about raping a congresswoman, with another joke in which you joke about “boning that Santorum boy”, it makes everything okay. The “sexism” (or misogyny) of the first joke is negated by the sheer perversion of the second. The fact that they were made by two different people doesn’t matter. Savage’s fantasies of boning Santorum (with malice, I would presume) redeem Maron’s jokes about raping Michele Bachmann. See? No harm, no foul.

Heroic Dan Savage. He wants to sodomize a former US Senator who really "needs it". I love this guy. He says everything I've been thinking but have never had the words to express. Sodomy with Rick Santorum is something I've always dreamt of. Notice the shirt: "Google Santorum".

Dan continued in the same vein, adding, “I’d be up for whipping up some Santorum in Santorum.” The crowd went wild for that one too. For those of you who don’t keep abreast of LGBTQXYZ slang, urbandictionary.com defines “Santorum” as follows:
“The sometimes frothy, usually slimy amalgam of lubricant, stray fecal matter, and ejaculate that leaks out of the receiving partner’s anus after a session of anal intercourse. Named, by popular demand and usage, by legislator Rick Santorum because of his homophobic political statements.”
Apparently, the inventor of that handy phrase was none other than…Dan Savage! Yes, Dan Savage invented the term for the substance I always find in my underwear after my husband (or someone else) sodomizes me. And to think that some people think that butt sex is gross. What’s gross about spooge, fecal matter and KY-Jelly? Savage calls it Santorum, which is pretty funny because we know that the name would bother the actual guy named Santorum. And that’s what we like to.
Dan Savage is always prepared to offer his own brand of incisive social commentary. Some of you may remember his recent throwing of the gauntlet to John Cummins of the British Columbia Conservative Party. After Cummins said that homosexuality is a “conscious choice”–but before he was dragged off to one of those Stalinist “hate speech” show trials they’re so fond of in Canada–Dan Savage offered him what he called the “Choicer Challenge”.
“What if being gay is something people consciously choose? Gee, if only there were a way for choicers to prove that they’re right and everyone else is wrong… actually, there is way for choicers to prove that they’re right! I hereby publicly invite—I publicly challenge—John Cummins to prove that being gay is a choice by choosing it himself.  Suck my dick, John. I’m completely serious about this, John. You’re not my type—you’re about as far from my type as a human being without a vagina gets—but I have just as much interest as you do in seeing this gay-is-a-choice argument resolved once and for all. You name the time and the place, John, and I’ll show up with my dick and a camera crew. Then you can show the world how it’s done. You can demonstrate how this “conscious choice” is made. You can flip the switch, John, make the choice, then sink to your bony old knees and suck my dick. And after you’ve swallowed my load, John, we’ll upload the video to the internet and you’ll be a hero to other choicers everywhere.”

Boo-yah! Score one for Savage! He offered the bigoted Canadian MP the opportunity to suck his dick, and because Cummins chose not to, that means that there’s no “choice” involved. Other than the choice Cummins exercised not to smoke Dan Savage’s pole. But that only proves my point.

Personally, I think Dan Savage was just trying to get a free blowjob out of the deal. All you have to do is ask, Dan! Leave me a comment. No need to go propositioning bigoted politicians north of the border.

You may also remember Dan Savage as “the doorknob licker”. No, that’s not some kind of new-fangled homophobic slur. He actually licks doorknobs. And staplers, and telephones. He brags of it, in fact. In 2000, Dan Savage visited Gary Bauer’s Presidential HQ in Iowa, where he snuck into the office and started licking objects in an attempt to spread his flu virus to staffers, and hopefully, to the candidate himself. Bauer is an ultra-right wing evangelical Christofascist loser. Just keep that in mind as you read Savage’s account of his germ warfare campaign:

I go around the room licking doorknobs. They are filthy, no doubt, but there isn’t time to find a rag to spit on. If for some reason I don’t manage to get a pen from my mouth to Gary’s hands at the conference, I want to seed his office with germs, get as many of his people sick as I can, and hopefully one of them will infect the candidate. I lick office doorknobs, bathroom doorknobs. When that’s done, I start on the staplers, phones, and computer keyboards. Then I stand in the kitchen and lick the rims of all the clean coffee cups drying in the rack. I grab my coat and head out.

It must have taken real courage to lick all of those “filthy” things. Icky. Well, I personally have no qualms with filth or with licking filthy things. I’ve never met a gay man who did. I kind of thought that it was a prerequisite for being a gay man that you actually liked filth and licking stuff. Anyway, read the whole thing here:

http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Content?oid=3092

Well known Christofascist Gary Bauer. I hope he caught the flu from Dan Savage. Or any other communicable disease that Dan Savage has. Which is probably a pretty long list. I think right-wing bigots like Bauer deserve viruses.

When Dan acts this way, he’s just being true to himself. He was born this way. If you think he’s a real sick individual, maybe you’re just a prude. Keep up the good, work Dan! And Bill, and Marc. You’re doing great work. Remember, hate-fucking Republicans is funny.

Michele and Marcus Bachmann are homophobic. I am ex-homophobic.

The gay-hating Bachmann duo is at it again. ABC World News Tonight led off Monday’s broadcast with a piece on Congresswoman Michele Bachmann and her husband Dr. Marcus Bachmann, who appear to be involved in some kind of reparative therapy “pray away the gay” scheme at their counseling and treatment clinic in Lake Elmo, Minnesota. Yes, this was the most important news story in the entire world this past Monday. That’s why ABC World News Tonight led off with it. Not a damned thing more important, anywhere in the world.

Marcus and Michele Bachmann, known homophobes. She's the darling of the teabagger movement, he's a shrink who "cures" homosexuality. I'd bet he's a repressed homosexual himself. Perhaps wishful thinking on my part, but there's a good possibility. Anti-gay males tend to be gay males. Sounds stupid, but it's true. Actually, it's just a comeback I heard once in high school and I've repeated it a zillion times ever since.

Here’s what happened: Andrew Ramirez was “sent” to the Bachmann clinic in 2004 after coming out to his parents. The article doesn’t make it clear whether his parents were forcing him, just that he was “sent”. Ramirez describes the gut-wrenching experience:

From the outset, Ramirez says, his therapist—one of roughly twenty employed at the Lake Elmo clinic—made it clear that renouncing his sexual orientation was the only moral choice. “He basically said being gay was not an acceptable lifestyle in God’s eyes,” Ramirez recalls. According to Ramirez, his therapist then set about trying to “cure” him. Among other things, he urged Ramirez to pray and read the Bible, particularly verses that cast homosexuality as an abomination, and referred him to a local church for people who had given up the “gay lifestyle.” He even offered to set Ramirez up with an ex-lesbian mentor.

The horror! They urged him to PRAY and READ THE BIBLE! They also told him that homosexuality is immoral. I’m surprised the poor thing didn’t kill himself. I found myself on the suicide hotline just reading about it.

Okay, so the truth is that ex-gays scare the crap out of me, and that’s why I have to tear them down. If you’ve heard of homophobes, then you can just call me an ex-homophobe. That doesn’t mean that I used to be homophobic and now I’m not. It means that I hate ex-homosexuals. I think they should be shamed into returning to our side of the rainbow. In this sense, we’re kind of like a cult. Once you’re in, you can NEVER leave.

The Bachmann clinic received a visit at a later date from perpetually aggrieved homosexual activist John Becker of the group Truth Wins Out. Becker smuggled a camera into the clinic to record the goings-on, posing as a gay man in search of a cure to his homosexual affliction. Becker describes his experience at Truth Wins Out:

…I was advised to find a heterosexual “accountability buddy” as I struggled to increase my attraction to women and decrease my attraction to men. I was to confide in, pray with, and be held accountable to this person. Bachmann & Associates sells a book written by Twin Cities minister and self-proclaimed “ex-lesbian” Janet Boynes. This book chronicles her supposed journey “out of the lesbian lifestyle.” Next to the stack of books was a prominently-displayed, typewritten note that read, “Janet is a friend. I recommend this book as she speaks to the heart of the matter and gives practical insights of truth to set people free. – Marcus Bachmann, PhD.”

I like Truth Wins Out because they belittle ex-gays and accuse of them of secretly continuing their homosexuality on the down low. They put derisive quotations marks around “ex-gay” and “ex-lesbian”. They do not allow people to define their own sexuality, but rather assign them labels which they do not accept. For example, they refer to author Janet Boynes as “self-proclaimed” “ex-lesbian” Janet Boynes. See, so she’s not really an ex-lesbian. She’s just telling people that. We’ll decide for her whether she’s a lesbian or not. Don’t let her fool you with her self-proclamations. She’s still muff-diving on the side, we’re sure of it. She may tell you that she’s completed a journey out of the “lesbian lifestyle”, but don’t believe it. It’s a “supposed journey”, not a journey.

Boynes has her own website, by the way. And it’s not girl-on-girl porn. Read this crap and tell me if you don’t think she’s batshit crazy:

http://janetboynesministries.com/

Janet Boynes, so-called "ex-lesbian" who will help you understand your sexuality via her supposed "journey" out of lesbianism. And in case you haven't noticed, she's black. One of the churchy blacks. My loyal readers know what I think about them. If they care so much about traditional values, maybe they'd like to be enslaved again. Hmmm? Try that one on for size Bishop Jackson, Star Parker, and Alan Keyes.

Before you go seeking therapy from the Bachmann clinic or similar reparative therapy outlets, be forewarned that a number of ex-gays have relapsed. These failed attempts to change sexual behavior prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that homosexuality is immutable. So don’t even try. Really. Similarly, you shouldn’t try to quit smoking because you’ll probably fail just like everyone else. Without drugs or other types of help, the success rate of any given attempt to quit is about four to seven percent. So most smokers relapse. Diets are even worse. Ninety-five percent of dieters who lose a significant amount of weight will gain it all back and then some within three years. Alcoholics and prescription painkiller addicts have an even lower success rates. Change is hopeless. You are who you are.

Some people are just hard headed in this regard. Just the other day, an old friend called me from San Francisco, telling me that he was finally planning on getting clean. He was going to quit drinking, popping pills, and smoking cigarettes. And I advised him to stop wasting his time because the chances of his success are much, much lower than the chances that he’ll be able to give up butt sex. Because some have failed in the past, NO ONE should try. He took my advice and decided to continue killing himself with drugs and sodomy.

This whole concept of “curing” gays is pseudo-scientific at its root. If you want sound science, stick with us homos and our fleeting “gay gene”. Look, homosexuality is genetic in nature. You’re either born that way or you aren’t. Scientists have been searching for this gay gene since before I was born but they haven’t found it yet. So what? I take it on faith and so should you. Just believe the theory and let the scientists find the supporting evidence in the meantime. This could take years, so be patient and bear with us. Let’s put it this way–we’ll find that gene before your silly “Messiah” comes back.

That’s how science works, right guys? Come up with the theory first and search for the evidence later? That’s how I learned the scientific method when I was in school. Either you agree with me or you hate science. It’s that simple. Don’t let me find out that any of you are science haters!

Homosexuality MUST be an inborn trait. It’s the cornerstone of my belief system and I cannot accept any idea that contradicts it. It is my dogma, my unshakeable belief. Otherwise I would have to accept that I am in control of my own penis, which sounds like personal responsibility. There’s nothing I hate more than personal responsibility.

So let’s get one thing straight. (Woops, did I say straight?) I do not choose who I sleep with. Sexual intercourse is not a volitional act. My penis has a mind of its own. I do not control it, it controls me. Just the other day I woke up next to a drag queen named Wilma Ballsdrop in a seedy motel room near the beach. I have no idea how I got there or who put those cigarette burns on my doughy asscheeks. I don’t even know if I enjoyed it.  As I was leaving, I noticed this mysterious photo of me and the drag queen stored in my cell phone:

I really don't know where this picture was taken but it looks like we were having a great time together. I know who the person on the right is. That's me. The tranny on the left is a mystery. I just know s/he goes by the name Wilma Ballsdrop. That whole night is a blur. May our paths cross again.

So please don’t tell me that I “choose” to be gay. We know that no one chooses to be gay. To say that a person chooses homosexuality is like saying that a person chooses to be shunned, hated, and rejected by society. That’s right, despite the overwhelming support of corporate America, the news media, the entertainment industry, the public schools, academia, some of the churches, the federal government, the state governments, the cultural elite and the fabulously rich, I am still trying to peddle the ridiculous canard that society stigmatizes homosexuality. Even though all of the aforementioned institutions are engaged in a full court press in support of our advocacy efforts, I’m still going to be a little bitch and tell everyone how oppressed I am as a gay man.

Just the other day, a guy was fired from Cisco Systems for writing a book in support of marriage equality! Oh wait, that didn’t happen.

Someone ought to pass the message along to Congresswoman and Dr. Bachmann: You cannot pray away the gay! God put those instincts in me because he wants me to act on them. If it says otherwise in that silly book of yours, then just do what my LGBTQXYZ  friends do and cross it out with a black marker. God wants his children to be happy and butt sex makes me very happy. Because sexual instincts are inborn, acting upon them becomes a right and even a duty. God wants all of us to do whatever our wee-wees and vajayjays tell us to do. Otherwise he wouldn’t have put the urge there in the first place. (For more on that, see previous post “Straight People Are Pretty Gross, but I Won’t Judge…”:  https://twogaybullies.wordpress.com/2011/06/22/straight-people-are-pretty-gross-but-i-wont-judge/ )

If other people have found that butt sex doesn’t make them happy, and voluntarily choose to seek help, they should be denied. I mean, normally I think the consenting adults should be allowed to do what they wish, at least as far as bedroom behavior goes. But if a consenting gay adult seeks help from a consenting therapist adult, I think it’s time for me to shove my nose into their business. If the consenting gay adult asks for help in resisting his gay urges, then someone has to take action to stop the consenting therapist adult from giving the homosexual the guidance he’s asked for. Especially if it involves prayer, which is something that gives me the heebeejeebies. Consensual or non-consensual, this type of “therapy” should not be allowed even if both parties agree to it.

I’m really worried that this therapy might prove to be successful, thus shaking the pillar of my homosexual faith–the myth of inborn homosexuality. And it might also cut down on the number of guys I can sleep with. The survival of the gay race–ha! ha!–depends on squelching this kind of therapy before it goes mainstream. 

Also, I think it’s about time we destroyed the bitch from Minnesota before she gets anywhere near the White House. Kudos to ABC News for getting the ball rolling on that.

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