The fallout continues over Marcus and Michele Bachmann’s wacky, zany, “pray away the gay” therapy clinic. I think you’ll all agree with me that the blowback has been delicious.
So I was watching Real Time with Bill Maher the other night just because I heard that one of his panelists was going to be Dan Savage, my favorite gay sex columnist and an all around sick puppy. Of course, Bill brought up the topic of the Bachmanns and their clinic. It didn’t take more than a few seconds before someone threw out the old “Marcus Bachmann is obviously a repressed homosexual” line, and the fun began. Let’s just say that the banter that followed was hilarious.
Surprisingly, it wasn’t Maher or Savage who really got it started. It was comedian Marc Maron.
“I don’t want to be crass, but I just hope that Marcus Bachmann takes all that, ya know, that rage that comes from repression and denial and brings it into the bedroom with [Michelle]. I hope he fucks her angrily, because that’s how I would. And I’ve thought about it.”
Is that funny or what? Certainly not “crass”. He’s daydreamed about giving it to Michele Bachmann…with malice! Ha Ha! The audience lapped it up, laughing and hooting. Everyone knows that Bill Maher has one of the hippest, savviest, coolest audiences in all of television. I know that I was laughing so hard I nearly spilled my Zima all over myself. I was just whooping and slapping my knees. Ha! Ha! Rape jokes are funny!
Now, I know that may sound like he was admitting to rape fantasies. I mean, it’s hard to imagine a woman consenting to being “fucked angrily”. Consensual hate-fucking seems like a contradiction in terms. Here you go bitch. I’m going to manhandle you. Lay still while pound you. Squeal for me bitch! Squeal for me! And for this guy to have fantasies about it, well…it sounds like he’s got some issues with misogyny that he needs to deal with.
Normally, I would be against that kind of thing. Rape, I mean. Or even just misogynistic fantasies. But this is Michele Bachmann we’re talking about. She’s a right-wing Christian and basically less than human. And so it’s really funny. That’s why the audience roared. No one was laughing harder than me. I’d fuck her angrily myself if it weren’t for the fact that I don’t like women.
It appears that Dan Savage detected the subtle misogyny in Marc Maron’s jokes, so he immediately leapt into action, providing cover for Marc’s comments.
“Just so you don’t get charges of sexism, because only Michele Bachmann was involved. I sometimes think about fucking the shit out of Rick Santorum. Just ’cause I think he needs it. It’s not just women we are talking about fucking. It’s like, ‘let’s bone that Santorum boy.’”
“The sometimes frothy, usually slimy amalgam of lubricant, stray fecal matter, and ejaculate that leaks out of the receiving partner’s anus after a session of anal intercourse. Named, by popular demand and usage, by legislator Rick Santorum because of his homophobic political statements.”
“What if being gay is something people consciously choose? Gee, if only there were a way for choicers to prove that they’re right and everyone else is wrong… actually, there is way for choicers to prove that they’re right! I hereby publicly invite—I publicly challenge—John Cummins to prove that being gay is a choice by choosing it himself. Suck my dick, John. I’m completely serious about this, John. You’re not my type—you’re about as far from my type as a human being without a vagina gets—but I have just as much interest as you do in seeing this gay-is-a-choice argument resolved once and for all. You name the time and the place, John, and I’ll show up with my dick and a camera crew. Then you can show the world how it’s done. You can demonstrate how this “conscious choice” is made. You can flip the switch, John, make the choice, then sink to your bony old knees and suck my dick. And after you’ve swallowed my load, John, we’ll upload the video to the internet and you’ll be a hero to other choicers everywhere.”
Boo-yah! Score one for Savage! He offered the bigoted Canadian MP the opportunity to suck his dick, and because Cummins chose not to, that means that there’s no “choice” involved. Other than the choice Cummins exercised not to smoke Dan Savage’s pole. But that only proves my point.
Personally, I think Dan Savage was just trying to get a free blowjob out of the deal. All you have to do is ask, Dan! Leave me a comment. No need to go propositioning bigoted politicians north of the border.
You may also remember Dan Savage as “the doorknob licker”. No, that’s not some kind of new-fangled homophobic slur. He actually licks doorknobs. And staplers, and telephones. He brags of it, in fact. In 2000, Dan Savage visited Gary Bauer’s Presidential HQ in Iowa, where he snuck into the office and started licking objects in an attempt to spread his flu virus to staffers, and hopefully, to the candidate himself. Bauer is an ultra-right wing evangelical Christofascist loser. Just keep that in mind as you read Savage’s account of his germ warfare campaign:
I go around the room licking doorknobs. They are filthy, no doubt, but there isn’t time to find a rag to spit on. If for some reason I don’t manage to get a pen from my mouth to Gary’s hands at the conference, I want to seed his office with germs, get as many of his people sick as I can, and hopefully one of them will infect the candidate. I lick office doorknobs, bathroom doorknobs. When that’s done, I start on the staplers, phones, and computer keyboards. Then I stand in the kitchen and lick the rims of all the clean coffee cups drying in the rack. I grab my coat and head out.
It must have taken real courage to lick all of those “filthy” things. Icky. Well, I personally have no qualms with filth or with licking filthy things. I’ve never met a gay man who did. I kind of thought that it was a prerequisite for being a gay man that you actually liked filth and licking stuff. Anyway, read the whole thing here:
When Dan acts this way, he’s just being true to himself. He was born this way. If you think he’s a real sick individual, maybe you’re just a prude. Keep up the good, work Dan! And Bill, and Marc. You’re doing great work. Remember, hate-fucking Republicans is funny.