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Let’s get serious about anal health! (But not too serious)

So I was down at the LGBTQXYZ health clinic the other day, getting some of the special LGBTQXYZ medications I take for special LGBTQXYZ diseases that I’ve contracted from bathhouse sex over the years, when I stumbled upon a great article in Positively Aware Magazine.

For those of you who aren’t familiar with the publication, Positively Aware is a free ‘zine available at health clinics that focuses on AIDS awareness. Oddly enough, the magazine has an unmistakeably gay bent, which is really inappropriate and downright ignorant. If I’ve learned anything from AIDS educators it’s that AIDS is definitely NOT a gay disease. It has nothing to do with homosexuality, it has to do with lack of federal funding for research. Butt sex isn’t the cause of AIDS, Ronald Ray-gun is. Thankfully, the magazine skips over references to butt pirates by referring to them as MSM–men who have sex with men. That’s a totally different category from cock smugglers.

PA Magazine, November/December 2011

While I was waiting patiently for the doctor to fill my ‘scrip for antibiotics (I have the clap, y’know) I found a wonderful article by Dr. Gary Bucher, MD, an  anal dysplasia and anal cancer prevention specialist from Chicago. It was called “Getting to the Bottom of It: Be Proactive About Anal Health”. What an eye opener!

http://positivelyaware.com/2011/11_07/analHealth.shtml

The title of the article was, in itself, enough to tickle my funny bone. Get to the bottom of “it”? Get to the bottom of what, exactly? And then I saw the picture and it all became crystal clear to me. He’s talking about my asshole! Silly goose.  Why didn’t he just say so?

The cup in the picture above is a symbolic stand-in for arseholes. I suppose the publisher thought that a picture of a dixie cup with a spoon in it was enough to get the point across without actually printing a picture of someone’s sphincter. But the message came through loud and clear for me. That’s about how wide my asshole is, and yes, sometimes I shove a spoon up there just cause it feels good. I’m kind of loosey-goosey in my anal region, due to years of using my asshole as the vagina I never had. Sometimes when I walk, it kind of wiggles and jiggles like one of those old Jell-O commercials with Bill Cosby. You get the picture, right?

Dr. Bucher explains that there are pro-active steps that a person can take to catch anal health problems before they get out of hand. Prevention is the key.

I also ask the patient if they have performed an anal self-exam by using their finger to feel around for any lumps or bumps inside their anus.

Well no, that’s not something I usually do. But if the doctor wants to do it for me, that would be great.

The good doctor also recommends yearly anal pap smears for “high risk groups”. I think I might be one of the high risk groups considering the fact that my sexual proclivities tend to make me high risk for just about everything. But how can I be sure?

Individuals at increased risk for developing anal cancer include HIV-positive men and women; HIV-negative men who have sex with men (MSM); women with a history of cervical, vaginal, or vulvar cancer or cervical dysplasia; chronically immunosuppressed organ transplant patients; men and women with a history of anal warts; and people who smoke tobacco.

Oh! Well, I don’t have AIDS. At least I don’t think I do. Maybe I should wait for the test results. But I’ve had anal warts before. I think there was a mean case of that stuff circulating in the West Village when I was there in the late 80s. I am also an “MSM”. So that means that I fall into two high risk groups.

I don’t smoke however; at least not tobacco. I prefer pole. Because tobacco is just gross. Smokers should be shunned and forced to pay eight dollars a pack just in taxes on their fifty cent box of coffin nails. Smoking is so unhealthy, and as we have seen, it obviously leads to cancer in all parts of the body, including the asshole. People shouldn’t smoke because it’s unhealthy.

Sodomy, on the other hand, is completely safe. And if any doctor ever told me that it wasn’t, I would storm off in a snit and contact the state to see if I couldn’t get his license pulled.

Okay, so I have a story to share about medical malpractice. It happened to me in the bad old days, about 1982, when fear and ignorance were the normative climate that surrounded all things HIV. I went to the doctor to get tested because half of my ex-boyfriends were coming down with it. He gave me a full exam and then sat me down for a little doctor/patient chat. He informed me that I had the gay “triple crown”–gonorrhea, anal warts, and protozoal infections– but thankfully not HIV. Back in those days, they referred the bundled package of STD’s infecting the poop chute region as “gay bowel  syndrome”, which is such an obscene term. Thankfully, doctors don’t talk like that anymore because the term itself makes me want to kill myself. He told me that the best thing to do for my anal health was to quit sticking things up my anus.

I broke down and cried right there in the office. He wasn’t even supportive. In fact, he told me to quit being a sniveling bitch. He didn’t understand that I really enjoy sticking things up my asshole–particularly other men’s penises. And I have no choice at all whether I will continue to do it. I couldn’t stop even if I wanted to because homosexuality is NOT A CHOICE.

Then I asked him if he thought, in his expert opinion, that the bruising and bleeding around my asshole was a result of my favorite pastime, sodomy. He told me that it was pretty obvious that blunt trauma was to blame and that if I ever wanted my pooper to recover, I should quit violently abusing it for pleasure.

That’s how bad it was in those days. Seriously. Doctors actually recommended that gay men stop doing the things that put them at elevated risk of contracting every disease known to man. It would almost be like telling a smoker that if he wants to avoid lung cancer he should quit smoking. Or telling a boozer that if he wants to avoid cirrhosis of the liver he should give up drinking.It’s just backwards, ignorant thinking.

Wait, it’s not like that at all. Because no one–NO ONE–has the right to make me feel bad about my sex life. I do what I want and everyone has to affirm me, even my doctor.

I sure am glad that Dr. Bucher isn’t such a neanderthal. Nowhere in the article does he recommend discontinuing sodomy as a means of preventing anal cancer. I think that’s because the good doctor is himself a homosexual. He takes it in the ass just like me. So his expert advice tends to be pretty straightforward.

Just keep engaging in high risk behavior and then get checked, m’kay?

Thank goodness he’s not so backwards as to assert that people shouldn’t use their assholes as a two way street if they don’t want to get icky diseases and stuff. He wants you to be serious about anal health, but NOT TOO SERIOUS!

“Take charge of your anal health. Ask for your DARE exam and your anal Pap smear!

Yup. And by all means, continue to take it up the ass, if that’s what floats your boat. Just make sure you make an appointment with Dr. Bucher once a year so he can stick his finger up there and probe around for pre-cancerous lesions.

Dr. Gary Bucher. He

Dr. Bucher’s website (http://www.analdysplasiaclinic.com/) breaks down the cold, hard facts on the subject. here they are:

135 out of every 100,000 HIV+ MSM will develop anal cancer

The risk in the general population is 0.9 per 100,000

Ah ha! So the risk of anal cancer among HIV+ MSM is one hundred and seventy-two times higher than the rate for the general population. And the general population includes other HIV+ MSM, other MSM, and women who also take it in the poopchute. It kind of makes me wonder what the risk is in comparison to people who don’t use their assholes for sexual pleasure. Probably pretty high.

But, please–by all means, keep on keeping on! Don’t let a little thing like anal health get in the way of your anal health. I mean, don’t let it get in the way of your pleasure.

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She-male in a women’s jail is actually a prisoner in his/her own body.

A transwoman in Philadelphia was recently victimized by the city’s prison system by being transferred to a men’s prison after it was discovered that she is actually a he, biologically speaking. Four whiny female inmates are suing the prison for housing a female prisoner (who happens t have a cock and balls) in their same facility, thus exposing them to unwanted sexual advances.

It’s all very confusing, I know. Whenever you wade into the waters of transgenderism, things get murky pretty fast.

Transgender rights are human rights. Chicks with dicks are people too, m'kay?

The prisoner in question, Jovanie Saldana, is a transwoman. If you don’t know what that means, I’ll do my best to explain. A transwoman is a man. Well, no. A transwoman is a woman, who happens to be biologically male. A biologically male woman. Make sense?

No? Well, I think that’s because you’re a bigot. You see, biology has very little to do with what sex you are. A biologically male person can be a woman and a biologically female person can be a man, if that person believes that he/she really is. And because that person believes himself/herself to be something else, then the rest of society should be forced to play along with the silly charade.

It’s called celebrating diversity. Diversity of skin color, diversity of sexual behaviors, diversity of delusional identity issues. Don’t tell me that you don’t honor diversity? We might have to find out where you work and get you fired from your job.

Transgendered people should have the same rights as anyone else. And when I say the “same” rights, I mean the right to choose which prison they will be housed in. Doesn’t everyone have a choice? I know that if I were sent to prison, I would want to be in there with the boys. I hear they get all sweaty when they work out and there’s a great sex scene after lights out. But if a transwoman wants to be in with the chicks, that’s her decision.

Jovanie Saldana, who was born with a dick and still has a dick, is actually a woman because Jovanie Saldana says so. It’s her “gender identity” that matters.

Let’s examine her story. Saldana has been living and dressing as a woman since she was twelve years old. She is now twenty-three. In 2010, she was accused of pimping and armed robbery and was sent to Riverside Correctional Facility, Philadelphia’s only women’s prison because–duh!–she’s a woman. That’s how she identifies and therefore that’s what she is. I bet some of you narrow-minded people out there think that she’s a man who suffers from mental illness, but that’s because you’re full of H8 and probably a Christofascist loser. She doesn’t have a mental illness, you do! The prison failed to conduct the mandatory strip search and cavity check, which would have revealed her to have a big black cock. Not sure why they didn’t check, but they didn’t.

Jovanie Saldana, transwoman who was housed with women until she was so unjustly removed and sent to live with a bunch of dudes.

While at Riverside, Saldana was forced to perform oral sex on a guard.  The guard assumed, like everyone else, that Saldana is a woman. Which she is, I guess. A transwoman. Ha! So the guard had no idea that the person giving him a BJ was a man. Er, I mean, a woman who happens to be biologically male.

Saldana was later overheard discussing her gender identity with her mother on the telephone. Her mother encouraged her to come clean with the prison authorities and admit that she’s a man. Which is really weird, because she’s not a man. She’s a woman because she says so. Gender is so much more complicated than outward manifestations (such as having a penis) and her transphobic mother should understand that. Her mother believes that Saldana was transferred out of Riverside because of the complaint she lodged against the prison guard rapist, and not  because she’s actually a dude.

She’s not a dude, by the way.

Other prisoners suspected that Saldana might have a secret in her drawers. They claim that she hid herself while using the toilet and showered with underwear on. Apparently, no one saw the bulge in her underwear. They felt uncomfortable around her. Jabreena Barnett, cellmate at Riverside:

“There was definitely something off – she had big calves, broad shoulders, no butt – but she had a lot of feminine ways.”

Not that big calves and broad shoulders have anything to do with gender. Nor does genitalia. It’s all about what you believe in your mind.

According to the Philadelphia Inquirer,

“Barnett accused Saldana of grabbing her breasts to express admiration for them, a claim her attorney said demonstrates sexual harassment and unwanted touching.

Oh, quit yer bitchin’! It’s almost as if she’s suggesting that putting a man into a women’s prison exposed the female inmates to the risk of sexual assault. That’s just the transphobia talking. We shouldn’t care at all about the safety of the other women in prison with Saldana. They’re not important. What’s important is Saldana and her well-being. When I say I care about her well-being, I mean that it’s important that no one break it to her that people with penises are not women, they’re men. That type of emotional abuse would really crush her spirits, so let’s play along with her little game no matter how many female inmates are put in danger by her presence in a women’s facility.

And now she’s been transferred to a men’s prison, which is clearly a hazardous place to house a man who happens to believe that she’s a woman. Okay, so Saldana is being housed separately from the general prison in her new men’s prison. But that’s still not where she belongs. She belongs in Riverside, with the other chicks. Because that’s what she is–a chick, who happens to have a dick. She should be showering with the other chicks, sleeping with them, perhaps getting in prison brawls with them.

Did I mention that Jovanie Saldana got into some scuffles while at Riverside? Yeah. I heard she won all of them too. It’s amazing how easy it is for a man to kick a woman’s ass when the man has big calves and broad shoulders and a secret penis. Wait, did I say a man? She’s a woman, I keep forgetting. Saldana identifies as a woman.

During her time at Riverside, Saldana had four cellmates–Yazmin Gonzales, Katiria Chamorro, Maria Cachola, and Jabrina T. Barnett. Again, according to the Philadelphia Inquirer, all four cellmates reported that Saldana “touched or groped them, subjected them to daily sexual harassment, and leered at them as they bathed or used the toilet.” They are suing the prison for $150,000, citing loss of rights, mental anguish and serious risk to their mental and emotional well-being.

Get over it bitches! That’s just life in prison. I bet there’s a bull dyke in the same cell block who does all of those same things. Next thing you know they’re going to be telling prison lesbos that they can’t have their way with the women. This could be seriously detrimental to the prison sex scene. It’s almost as if the point of gender segregation is to prevent such things from occurring in the first place, but…no matter. If we were to start down the “men and women are different” slippery slope, there’s no telling where that might end.

Riverside Correctional Facility, Philly's own women's prison.

I’m a little confused, though. If Jovanie Saldana is actually biologically male, who has been transitioning since the age of twelve, why does she still like women? She obviously still has some sexual feeling for them. After all, her cellmates accuse her of grabbing their breasts and leering at them in various states of undress. So she’s biologically male, but she identifies as a woman. She’s a woman trapped in a man’s body, who happens to still have sexual attractions for members of the opposite sex. I mean, members of the same sex.

I got it! She’s a lesbian trapped in a man’s body. She’s a man who likes women who feels like a woman herself.

If you’re confused, don’t worry about it. I’m confused too. What’s important is that you always defer to the deranged mental patient and try to understand them on their own terms. If Jovanie says she’s a woman, that means she’s a woman. If Jovanie admires women’s breasts, that means she’s a woman who likes women. She’s a lesbian. Under no circumstances are we to force our archaic beliefs about the biological determination of gender onto Jovanie or any other member of the transgender community.

Some of you really backward Midwesterners out there might think that sex is biologically determined at birth, kind of like species and race. That’s hogwash. We can choose our gender. If our minds don’t match the bodies we have, that means that there’s something wrong with our bodies and we need to fix them by mutilating our genitals and stuffing our system full of hormones. Insurance companies should have to pay for it too. It’s so much better to do that than to just get some damned counseling.

That’s because it’s important to just be yourself. If there’s anything that I’ve learned from years in the gay rights movement, that’s it. Be yourself. For me, being myself means guzzling cum and hooking up with anonymous men in the bathroom stalls at the bus station. If anyone thinks that there’s something wrong with that, they obviously want me to live a lie. And I won’t live a lie.

For the transgendered community, being yourself means…being someone else? Well, yes. It means men being women and women being men. And everyone else should have to pretend right along with you, or they’re transphobic bigots.

Unfortunately, the mental health community has not yet progressed to the point of accepting transgendereds. They consider transgendered behavior to be abnormal. But we’ve learned two things from the gay rights movement–(1) thatbehavior is not really behavior it’s identity, and (2) that there’s no such thing as “normal” and therefore no such thing as “abnormal” either.

The American Psychiatric Association (APA) still contends that transgendered persons suffer from a mental illness called Gender Identity Disorder (GID). Normally, I like to refer to the APA because they’re the experts and they tell people that there’s nothing wrong with homosexuality. They used to tell people that men who sodomize other men are sick in the head, but then we crashed their conventions and threw temper tantrums until they changed their manual to protect our delicate feelings. We’ve basically completely co-opted the mental health community since then, and they say whatever we tell them to say.

Except when it comes to transgenderism. Their Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM) still lists gender identity disorder (GID) as an illness. We’re going to have to fix that because it’s clearly stigmatizing. People have a right not to feel social stigma. Except for Christians, I mean. It does irreparable harm to abnormal people when you tell them that they’re abnormal. So let’s not tell them. Let’s just change the definition of abnormal so that chicks with dicks feel better about themselves.

Luckily, trannies have put the APA’s conventions under seige until they change it. I’ll even participate just to show my solidarity.They crashed the APA’s 2009 convention in San Fransicko just like we homos did back in the 1970’s. No shit!

http://www.psychiatrictimes.com/display/article/10168/1415037

So when you think about it, Jovanie Soldana is basically asking the City of Philadelphia to accommodate her mental illness. She thinks she’s a woman, and therefore the city should treat her as one. Makes sense to me. I want all of society to accommodate me in what was considered a mental illness up until the 1970’s. When you think about it, Soldana and I are both batshit crazy but it would harm us emotionally if anyone spoke those words out loud, so no one should be allowed to. Everyone should pretend that we’re just fine the way that we are.

In the meantime, let’s put the heat on the City of Philadelphia so that Jovanie Saldana can be returned to the women’s prison. That’s where she belongs. I’ve heard she really likes groping and ogling the other women and that she gets into fistfights with them. Clearly, Riverside if a home away from home for this transgendered lesbian with a penis that will soon be removed.

Just to clear things up: Jerry Sandusky is NOT gay!!!

The world of college sports was rocked in recent weeks by the revelation that a former assistant coach for the Penn State Nittany Lions, Jerry Sandusky,  allegedly sexually abused at least ten boys. Sandusky has been arrested and a number of university officials have been fired as a result of the scandal, up to and including the legendary head coach Joe Paterno and the university president, Graham Spanier.

Jerry Sandusky getting cuffed and stuffed.

Much to everyone’s surprise, Sandusky consented to an interview with Bob Costas of NBC News. I must say, Costas’ questions were entirely inappropriate. One in particular really ticked me off.

“Are you sexually attracted to young boys, to underage boys?”

Excuse me?! Pedophiles are not “attracted” to their victims. Everyone knows this. Pedophiles are rapists, and like all rapists, they commit their acts of perversion because of the sense of power and domination it gives them, not because they are sexually attracted to their victims. Atrraction has nothing to do with it.

Because if we were forced to admit that guys like Sandusky like little boys, we would be tactily admitting that he has same-sex attractions. And people with same sex attractions are…gay? Well, yeah. And then we would have to admit that all the child molesting priests are also gay and all the scoutmasters who prey on the scouts are gay too.  That simply can’t happen.

And we know that Sandusky is not gay. He’s a married man with six children, for crying out loud! So he’s not gay. Of course, I’ve had flings with married men before. We like to laugh at those guys in the LGBTQXYZ community. Yes, there are “straight” men who stray from their marital vows and somehow end up in the dunes down at the beach, waiting for someone to come by and sodomize them in a most anonymous fashion. These “heteros” are basically in deep denial, sometimes even unwilling to admit to themselves that they love the cock. And so we laugh at them. “Straight” men who sleep with other men are obviously not straight, or not exclusively so. In gay parlance, they’re “on the down low”.

But straight men who sleep with underaged boys are straight. And not at at all gay. We know this because we know that pedophiles are not really attracted to their victims.

The reason why some “straight” men who are married with children sometimes end up in the bed with other men is because they are deeply embarrassed by their sexual attractions. So they pretend that they don’t have these attractions. But there’s nothing embarrassing about being attracted to little boys, so obviously there are no straight men out there who are hiding their attractions to little boys. They’re up front about it. Wait a second, what I mean to say is that no one is attracted to little boys. They rape little boys because of the sense of power it provides, not sexual attraction.

Which kind of raises another question–if men who have sex with young boys are not really gay, does that mean that men who have sex with young girls are not really straight? Let’s say for example that we set up one of those Dateline NBC traps with the underage girl at home alone, and the men come in through the garage with their clothes off and then they get busted by Chris Hansen and try to make a run for it before being tased by the cops and shoved into the back of a cop car.  Obviously, since these men are engaging in rape, and since rape has nothing to do with attraction, you’d think that such a trap would net at least a few gay men. Except that doesn’t happen. Surprisingly, gay men aren’t lured into the trap when the bait is female. Strange.

So men who have sex with little girls do it because they like little girls. But men who have sex with little boys do it because of power relationships. Heterosexual pedophiles do it because they’re heterosexual. Homosexual pedophiles do it because…wait, there’s no such thing as a homosexual pedophile. They simply don’t exist. Because the sex between men and boys–which might seem to be homosexual to anyone with two brain cells to rub together–isn’t really homosexuality, and therefore its practitioners aren’t really homosexual pedophiles. They’re just pedophiles with no discernible sexual orientation.

Don’t take my word for it. It’s just what the experts say, m’kay? The EXPERTS! And if you don’t believe me, you’re obviously a science hater and I’m getting so sick of you right-wing science haters.

Science hater on display somewhere in middle America. I bet she even believes that Jerry Sandusky is gay.

Of course, the evidence bears me out. When Costas asked Sandusky if he was attracted to boys, Sandusky said no. And I believe him. He wouldn’t lie about this.

“Sexually attracted? You know, I enjoy young people. I love to be around them. But no, I’m not sexually attracted to young boys.”

See? The truth is always a serious impediment to you silly homophobes out there. We know that Sandusky is not attracted to young boys because he said so. Boo-yah! Sure, he showered with the boys, snapped towels at their tight little buns, and he may have allowed his genitals to accidentally come in contact with them. Sure, he touched them on their beautiful, adolescent legs. But he’s not attracted to them. And sure, he’s alleged to have given and received oral sex with young boys. He’s even accused of buttfucking them in the showers. But he’s not attracted to them. We know that because he says so.

Unfortunately, the American Psychiatric Association DSM-IV hasn’t been updated yet. They’re still filling people with the misinformation that pedophiles pop a chubby at the idea of having sex with children. Nonsense.They define pedophilia as:

“Over a period of at least 6 months, recurrent, intense sexually arousing fantasies, sexual urges or behaviors involving sexual activity with a pre-pubescent child or children (generally age 13 or younger)”

Sexually arousing fantasies? Sexual urges? That’s nonsense. It’s all about power. There’s no sexual attraction there. We’re going to have to educate the experts. Maybe we’ll just crash their next convention and throw a hissy fit until they change their manual to something that doesn’t make us cry.

Because if Jerry Sandusky is attracted to young boys, that would mean that he has same sex attractions. That would make him a gay pedophile, which is a subsect of the gay population. And we don’t want him. We don’t even want the word “gay” to appear in close proximity to the word pedophile. It’s imperative that we pretend that this obviously repressed homosexual is actually straight as an arrow. He’s completely hetero, it’s just that he inexplicably seeks out boys so that he can slip them the cock in the shower after football practice. It’s one of the great mysteries of the universe.

Interestingly, there was a time when the gay rights movement was confused on this point as well. If you recall my previous entry about the Revere Sex Ring ( https://twogaybullies.wordpress.com/2011/08/05/kiddie-porn-ring-busted-glad-theyll-have-good-lawyers/ ), there was quite the moral panic sweeping Boston in the late 1970’s. The district attorney, alarmed by the sordid sex dungeon uncovered in Revere that involved adult men having sex with underaged boys, set up a hotline that people could call to report pedophiles. The LGBTQXYZ community went nuts. They took the DA to court and a judge ordered the hotline be nixed.

The local gay magazine, Fag Rag, spoke out against the hotline:

“And we wanted to work to guarantee that the legal rights of the accused were observed in the midst of this panic. … It has always been the Fag Rag position that an attack on any part of the gay community (particularly one of its ‘fringes’) is an attack on all gay people.

Uh…what? Wait a second. Child molesters are now “part of the gay community”? But they aren’t gay. Odd how a gay magazine would be so concerned about the plight of child molesters.

Fag Rag: Boston's best lavender newspaper. I have stacks of this in my attic. Anyway, they came out strongly for the child molesters of Revere. So odd when you consider that they aren't gay.

The Boston/Boise Committee was formed to fight this witchhunt. When I say ‘witchhunt”, I mean a hotline that people could call to alert the police to children being raped in their neighborhood. They came out with some great material.

http://www.lib.neu.edu/archives/voices/gl_sexual2.htm

Under the heading “The Gay Community Fights Back”:

“Gay people have not been silent… The Boston/Boise Committee was formed to coordinate the attack on the witchhunt…It stopped the viscious hotline by threatening court action…It established a study group on the reform of sex laws. It sponsors the involvement of the National Jury Project to poll public opinion and assist jury selection. It fosters the discussion of the moral and legal issues involved in sexuality among gay men and adolescent boys.

Wait just a darn minute here. Gay man don’t have sex with adolescent boys. Because gay men who have sex with adolescent boys aren’t really gay at all. They’re child rapists. And child rapists have no sexual orientation.

Confusion abounds on this point. I’ve even been to some gay bookstores that carry pedophilia literature. Obviously, the owner of the bookstore is confused. Pedophilia literature doesn’t belong in a gay bookstore because pedophiles are not gay. It’s as completely unrelated to gayness as a book about architecture or the Sanskrit. Kind of weird how a gay bookstore owner, presumably gay himself, would stock his shelves with pedophilia literature. It’s as if he doesn’t know.

It doesn’t help that child molesters keep telling people that they’re gay men. The North American Man-Boy Love Association (NAMBLA), for example, really wants to march in our Pride parades. Thirty years ago, we used to allow them, but not any more. Churchy people used to point to the child molesting faction of our Pride parades and falsely accuse us of tolerating the perverts in our midst. They clung to the silly belief that men who have sex with boys and then march in gay pride parades are gay. It became an embarrassment and a political liabilty to keep hosting NAMBLA so we had to sever the relationship.

In fact, NAMBLA was the first American LGBTQXYZ organization to join the International Lesbian and Gay Association (ILGA). Er, wait a second, they’re not LGBTQXYZ, they’re a bunch of child rapists. Slip of the tongue, sorry. NAMBLA was later expelled when right wing Senator Jesse Helms threatened to withhold UN dues unless ILGA expelled NAMBLA. Weird how the other clubs let them join, considering the fact that they’re not gay.

NAMBLA. Even though they say they're gay, don't believe them. Because love between a man and boy is not homosexual in nature.

NAMBLA keeps spreading the viscious lie that their fondness for butt sex with adolescent boys has something to do with homosexuality. After being scorned by the Human Rights Commission as being not genuinely gay, NAMBLA responded:

“man/boy lovers are part of the gay movement and central to gay history and culture…”

Which is basically true, although we don’t want to admit that.

This is how we rationalize it to ourselves. Men who have sex with other males who are over the age of eighteen (or sixteen, depending on your jurisdiction) are gay. But men who have sex with males under the age of eighteen (or sixteen, depending on your jurisdiction) are sick, perverted pedophiles. They are definitely not gay and we can categorically say that none of them are motivated by sexual attraction.

The act of buttfucking someone who is above the age of consent is not at all comparable to  the act of buttfucking someone below the age of consent. They are completely unrelated phenomena. It’s not apples and oranges, it’s more like apples and rocket ships. The former is kind of like having black skin. It’s comparable to things like race and eye color. You’re just born that way. It’s not related to other deviant sexual acts. But the latter is sick. It’s raping kids, and so it’s comparable to all sorts of other sick sexual acts.

It kind of makes me wonder. Let’s say I was hooking up with one of my students at the local high school. This is just a hypothetical, okay? It’s not like I’ve done it. At least not on more than half a dozen times. The age of consent here in Massachusetts is sixteen, so I can have my pick of the sophmores and above. Freshmen are off limits. So if I’m boinking one of them, I’m a gay man just like Gerry Studds and his sixteen year old boy toy. But if I take my young lover to one of my favorite gay retreats in Key West, I’m suddenly a child molester. Because the age of consent in Florida is eighteen. Obviously, if I were in Florida, I wouldn’t even be able to get it up. Because I’m a gay man and not a pedophile.

So obviously, Jerry Sandusky doesn’t feel any attraction toward his victims. He’s not gay, okay? He’s straight. One hundred percent straight, even when he’s giving a youngster a hummer in the shower. Because he doesn’t even get off on it when he does it. It’s all about power relationships. There’s nothing queer about him.

Brain damage makes you gay. Three cheers for brain damage.

If ever there was a story of something good coming out of something deeply tragic, this is it. Meet Chris Birch of Ystrad Mynach, South Wales. He’s gay. I mean, really, really gay. He’s a hairdresser for crying out loud. Chris lives with his nineteen year old boyfriend in an apartment above the salon. They have lots of gay sex. Did I mention that he’s gay?

But here’s the thing about Chris Birch. He’s only recently become gay. Not that long ago, he was definitely a hetero–he worked in a bank, played rugby, and drank beer with the boys. He was also engaged to marry his girlfriend.

Chris Birch. He's gone all the way gay. I mean, seriously. He's not holding anything back. I've seen straighter guys on the Tony Awards.

And then something amazing happened. While playing “footie” at the park, he decided that he could really impress his pals with a killer backflip. His attempt fell flat. He didn’t pull off the stunt but he did manage to break his neck and trigger a stroke. The amateur acrobat was racked with excruciating pain, blacked out, and was rushed to the hospital.

And then he woke up gay.

Sounds strange, I know. But there really was a whole new Chris.

“When I was finally let out of the hospital I moved back in with Mum and started physio. I had to learn to walk, eat, even speak again and all my family were supporting me, hoping they would see the old Chris come back ­soon enough. I had physio for five months and was ­really focused but every now and then I would notice my family shooting me a funny look or saying I was different.”

Yes. different. And what gay man hasn’t felt a little different? Not like the other boys. The old Chris Birch–the beer drinking rugby player who worked at the bank and dated women–was gone. Suddenly all that hetero masculine stuff just wasn’t interesting. He was a femme queer.

“My old friends would come round and visit me but the conversation would dry up straightaway. I wasn’t interested in the rugby scores, going down the pub to watch football or anything else I used ­to do.”

It didn’t take long before Chris realized that he didn’t care so much for the taco anymore. He was a fan of the sausage.

“I was watching TV one day when a really handsome guy came on. I felt my stomach flutter and the same feelings I used to have for pretty girls came across me. I had never felt like that about a man before but I knew immediately what the ­feeling was. I fancied him.”

His first crush on a boy. How cute.

Now, I have mixed feelings about this whole thing. On the one hand, I’m always glad to have one more person on our side. Making the whole world gay sounds just fine by me. Welcome to the club, Chris.

But on the other hand…this is very threatening to our theory that people are just “born that way”. Wait, did I say theory? It’s not a theory. It’s science. And if you don’t believe me, you must be a science hater. And you don’t want to be a science hater…do you?

Born this way. It's our motto, our creed, our rallying cry. I'm not even sure I believe it, but the entire basis of our political movement is that sexual activities are genetic and therefore comparable to sex, race, or ethnicity. We couldn't change even if we wanted to.

The entire foundation of our movement is that our sexual activities are preprogrammed at birth and therefore not really our fault. Without this concept, we’re just another group of people defined by our behaviors, just like cigarette smokers, vegetarians, swingers, bungee jumpers and pet owners. No one would think we’re being “discriminated against” if, for example, an apartment complex didn’t permit smokers.

So we had to come up with something else. And this is what we decided: Gay is the new black. It’s a rather far-fetched concept that was initially laughed at and mocked when the political gays rolled it out three decades ago.

Butt sex is kind of like having black skin? You’ve got to be shitting me.

The worst part is that the blacks themselves were the least likely to accept that my taking it in the poopchute was somehow equivalent to the color of their skin. They laughed at us, and from time to time, kicked our asses for making such a stupid and insulting comparison. Believe me, I once caught a serious beating.

So we had to start firing the blacks from their jobs for failing to see the comparison. Just ask Crystal Dixon. She was fired from her job at Toledo University because she wrote a letter to the editor expressing her belief that someone else’s sexuality was not the same as the color of her skin. Yeah, what the hell would she know about being black? We had the bitch fired. In the future, the blacks will be careful not to question the analogy.

We pressed on, repeating the lie so many times that it started to ring true. We got ourselves into the schools and we taught it to an entire generation of kids who, by the time they graduated, had heard it so many times that it didn’t seem the least bit ridiculous anymore. It was probably the most successful propaganda campaign in the history of the world.

We were doing so well and then along came Chris from Wales. A stroke changed him from hetero sports fan slob caveman into a queerboy. Now, I’ve heard of strokes having an effect on personality. I’ve heard of people waking up from strokes with odd foreign accents and with newly discovered artistic skills. But I’ve never heard of a stroke altering a person’s DNA. And since gayness is predetermined at birth by genetic code, this whole story just does not compute.

Gayness is a just a genetically determined trait like any other–say, having red hair and freckles, height, eye color, or skin color.  Unfortunately, there are no known instances of any of those genetically determined traits changing because of a stroke.

For example, my mother had a stroke a few years back, and she still woke up a Caucasian woman with blond hair and blue yes. The stroke happened right after I came out to her, if I remember correctly. She had an aneurism and collapsed right there in front of me. Nothing much changed after the stroke except that she now drools out of one side of her mouth and she spends most of her time crying because her son is a homo. Now, if she had woken up as a black person, as a man, or as a red head,  that would have been a really neat trick. If she had woken up as a Lakota Sioux chieftain that would have been pretty cool too. Or if she had woken up with a new eye color. Unfortunately, she can’t wake up as any of those things because her DNA won’t allow it.

But if a person can wake up gay, that must mean that DNA is not the culprit. No wonder we can’t find a gay gene despite the fact that we’ve been searching since before Chris Birch was born.  All we’ve done is asked the government for more grant money and assured the public that such a gene exists and we’re going to find it…someday. Until we find the evidence, just keep believing in the theory, m’kay?

That’s how science works, right guys? First I come up with a theory then I demand that you take it on faith while I find the evidence to support it, no matter how long it takes. I have this theory that there’s a magic space dragon who lives on the opposite side of the sun from the planet earth. We can never see him because–duh!–he’s hiding behind the burning ball of gas in the sky. But don’t worry, we’re looking for him. We’re sure he exists and we’ll just need a little more time and lot more money to find him. In the meantime, you’d better shut your mouth with all of that doubt. This is science and you don’t question science.

The Stroke Association of Great Britain was asked to weigh in on the astounding revelation that strokes can turn people queer. According to spokesman Joe Korner:

“In a stroke, blood supply to the brain is cut off and in the areas starved of oxygen, brain cells die and brain damage can occur. But the brain is amazingly adaptable and during recovery it can make new neural connections, finding different pathways to achieve the same thing. So it’s possible those new neural connections can trigger connections to things people weren’t aware of such as an accent, language, or different sexuality.”

Geez, that’s strange. Accents and languages are not genetic. But gayness is. I know that it is.

It’s almost as if he’s saying that homosexuality is the result of brain damage. If your brain is cut off from oxygen for a while, parts of it begin to die, and then you wake up with the insatiable urge to slurp cock. That goes a long way in explaining why so many of the men I’ve dated over the years have been batshit crazy. Sorry, Michael.

Even so, I don’t like this brain damage theory. If people thought that being gay was a mental disorder–as it was classified by the APA until 1973–they still wouldn’t understand us to be a persecuted minority. They’d say, ‘Hey they need some help, but they’re still crazy like schizos’. No one would change marriage laws to accommodate the mental patient community. So it has to be genetic. It just has to be.

Still, there appears to be something to the brain damage theory. Last year, a study was conducted in Sri Lanka concerning the effect of mercury on male ibises. Shockingly, the study determined that the birds were significantly more likely to engage in same-sex pairings after being fed mercury in their rations than ibises that had not been exposed to the heavy metal.

Boy ibises tend to like other boy ibises after suffering heavy metal poisoning. So don’t tell me it’s “unnatural”.

I was initially thrilled with this news because I love to read about homosexuality in the animal kingdom. Whenever anyone says that two guys sodomizing each other is not natural, I point out that animals do it. And heaven knows that humans should not hold themselves to any higher standard than animals. If it’s so unnatural, how come it occurs in nature?

But then someone pointed out to me that a human pollutant was added in this instance. The point of the study on ibises is that mercury poisoning makes you gay. So when I say that being gay is natural, I mean that you might begin to exhibit homosexual tendencies after sucking out the contents of one of those new curly-q lightbulbs. That kind of natural.

http://www.newscientist.com/article/dn19784-mercury-poisoning-makes-male-birds-homosexual.html?DCMP=OTC-rss&nsref=online-news

Even so, it’s kind of hard to attribute the homosexual behavior of the ibises to their genes when it appears that mercury poisoning is to blame. Mercury may have a lot of nasty effects, but it doesn’t alter your DNA. So I think we should just ignore this study because it doesn’t fit my preconceived notions.

Hmmm…I just had a thought. There was that time when I was a kid when I found a broken thermometer on the floor and started playing with that fun silvery metal that was seeping out of it. It was so much fun to watch it roll across my skin in beads. I put it in my hair, in my mouth, up my butt. Might that have something to do with why I like boys?

If it is, I’ll just say that it’s better this way. I sure am glad I poisoned my brain because now I have my husband and we’re happy and fulfilled. At least that’s what we try to convince ourselves.

Chris Birch is happy too. He likes the new Chris.

“I think I’m happier than ever, so I don’t regret the accident.”

Good for you Chris. Take it from me–brain damage can be a wonderful thing. It can lead to rich and deep relationships with other men and eternal happiness.

Thomas Sowell is one of those fascists who loves free speech

Sorry, I haven’t been updating lately. The Nor’Easter that hit Massachusetts knocked out my internet for a while. I blame global warming for the surprise October snowstorm. Unfortunately, I was completely cut off from my favorite gay porn sites. After a few days, I was in quite the foul mood, as you can imagine.

When I finally got back online, I was incensed to read Thomas Sowell’s latest column,” The Media and ‘Bullying'”.

http://townhall.com/columnists/thomassowell/2011/10/25/the_media_and_bullying

In short, he argues that homosexuals are “special” victims of bullying. When they are bullied, the media pay attention while ignoring other types of bullying. The result is to create a special kind of victim class.

Thomas Sowell, Stanford economist and known homophobe. Somebody ought to tell him that butt sex is kind of like black skin.

I don’t want any special victim status for gays. I just want the same equal treatment that blacks get. You know–separate gay proms just like blacks have separate black proms. Separate gay dorm floors just the same way blacks get separate black dorm floors.  I want to be treated with kiddy gloves, to be able to break the rules with impunity. I want standards to be lowered so that I can get my dream job without actually possessing the qualifications. I want my sexual escapades to be considered when applying for a job, just so long as they work in my favor. The same way we do for the blacks. Gay is the new black.

And I think we’re owed as much, Dr. Sowell. I’ve spent years toiling in the trenches, fighting for the civil rights of black people not to be held to the same standards as white people. I understand that as a conservative, you don’t want lowered standards for your particular group. But I have fought for those lowered standards nonetheless. The least you could do is return the favor.

Okay, Dr. Sowell, if you are reading this, let me spell it out for you. Two men sodomizing each other is the equivalent of having black skin. Behavior is the same as identity so long as you really, really want to engage in the behavior. Oddly enough though, I don’t usually engage in behavior that I don’t want to engage in. In any case, the desire to engage in behavior (sodomy, in this case) is genetically programmed and therefore comparable to skin color. It’s still my choice whether I will act on the impulse, but that’s not really relevant. When your dick tells you to do something, there’s just no sense in resisting.

Sowell’s column really starts to tick me off here:

The current media and political crusade against “bullying” in schools seems likewise to be based on what groups are in vogue at the moment. For years, there have been local newspaper stories about black kids in schools in New York and Philadelphia beating up Asian classmates, some beaten so badly as to require medical treatment. But the national media hear no evil, see no evil and speak no evil. Asian Americans are not in vogue today, just as blacks were not in vogue in the 1920s.

First off, he puts “bullying” into quote marks, just the same way that I put terms such as “Christian”, “family values” and “traditional marriage”. He’s mocking the term bullying. It’s almost as if he’s saying that “bullying” is a term so vague that it’s become almost meaningless, which it’s certainly not. The meaning of the term bullying is crystal clear. You are guilty of bullying if you hurt the delicate feelings of butt pirates like me.

But then he starts comparing gay kids to…Asians? That’s so ridiculous. A bunch of Asian kids got beat up. Uh, so? The guys who did it were punished, right? Of course they were. Just the same way that any student should be punished for beating up any other student–gay, straight, Asian, black, Latino, white, Christian, Jewish, handicapped, whatever. So beating people up is already against the rules. It kind of makes you wonder why the explosion of special bullying laws have become absolutely necessary in recent years if they only punish things that were already prohibited.

I think the point that he’s trying to make is that the media didn’t jump into action after the Asian kids got beat up. They didn’t work overtime to create a media-driven hysteria about anti-Asian bullying. Despite the fact that the Asians in question were hospitalized, reporters didn’t think that the story was newsworthy. Just another brainy Asian kid being beat up by blacks. Unless the Asian kid liked giving blowjobs on the side, I don’t see how this can be considered news. So let’s not talk about it.

Reporters don’t have time to waste on Asian kids in the hospital. Not when there’s real bullying going on!There’s a kid in Texas named Dakota Ary who said “I think being a homosexual is wrong.” Now that’s bullying!

Sowell’s main point seems to be that the relative importance of an incident of bullying depends more on the identity of the victim and possibly the aggressor, and less on the severity of the incident. Hence, words directed at sodomites are just as bad as barbaric acts of violence directed at Asian kids. Wait a second, did I say “just as bad”? No, it’s infinitely worse to disapprove of homosexuality than it is beat up Asian kids.

Sowell:

Most of the stories about the bullying of gays in schools are about words directed against them, not about their suffering the violence that has long been directed against Asian youngsters or about the failure of the authorities to do anything serious to stop black kids from beating up Asian kids.

Well, duh! That’s because we’re trying to criminalize dissent. Everyone already agrees that physical violence is terrible and shouldn’t be tolerated. In fact, there isn’t a single school in the whole country in which it’s permitted. Our obsession with bullying is really an obsession with gagging our opponents.

If you think it’s wrong for people to sleep with persons of the same sex, you are a monster. You are a bully. And we have a zero tolerance policy for bullying in our school. Ergo, you may not express your opinion in our school. What do you think this is–America?

Unfortunately, most Americans are raised with a healthy respect for freedom. They think that speech is a protected right. They think that people have a right to disagree with each other and with authorities, and to express that disagreement. We had to think of a new way to frame our censorious, thought-stopping, speech-gagging policy in such a way that people would be so filled with shame that they would never stoop to the old “freedom” arguments to oppose us.

And this is what we came up with. We exploit the deaths of gay children. Sometimes we even exploit the deaths of children who aren’t gay.

Sure, we will all still enjoy free speech in America. But you can’t say that! Our constitutional rights must be curtailed or some gay kid might kill himself! When gay people are exposed to shame, they tend to blow their brains out. Interestingly, shame is the primary weapon that we use against those Christofascists.

Sowell continues:

“But there is still a difference between words and deeds — and it is a difference we do not need to let ourselves be stampeded into ignoring. The First Amendment to the Constitution of the United States guarantees freedom of speech — and, like any other freedom, it can be abused. If we are going to take away every Constitutional right that has been abused by somebody, we are going to end up with no Constitutional rights.”

Uh, excuse me? There’s a “difference” between words and deeds? No, there isn’t. Violence is the same as words. Because if you say the wrong words to me, I might commit violence against myself and it would be your fault, not mine. So now that we’ve established that words are equivalent to violence, we can now get to work gang-raping the free speech rights of people I don’t want to hear–Christofascists, for example. And that’s how we will circumvent your silly argument about the First Amendment “protecting” speech. We will just say that your speech is killing poor, abused gay teenagers.

This woman is a genius! See? When you say things I don't want to hear, it's the equivalent of murder. And murder is illegal, so why shouldn't speech be illegal too?

More idiocy from Sowell:

“Already, on too many college campuses, there are vaguely worded speech codes that can punish students for words that may hurt somebody’s feelings — but only the feelings of groups that are in vogue.”

So what? I’m on that list of “in vogue” groups and so the censorship codes are never exercised against me and always against my enemies. And Sowell thinks that makes me a “special class” of victims! Ha! Aren’t all groups of people entitled to live their lives without ever hearing an idea that hurts their feelings? I’m all for campus speech codes, so long as they continue to used as weapons against those I disagree with. Try again, Tom.

“Women can say anything they want to men, or blacks to whites, with impunity. But strong words in the other direction can bring down on students the wrath of the campus thought police — as well as punishments that can extend to suspension or expulsion. Is this what we want in our public schools?”

Yes! With one important addition–homosexuals can say whatever they want to Christofascist H8ers, but not the reverse. That’s a perfectly acceptable policy to me.

The tiresome Sowell blathers on:

Meanwhile, a law has been passed in California that mandates teaching about the achievements of gays in the public schools. Whether this will do anything to stop either verbal or physical abuse of gay kids is very doubtful. But it will advance the agenda of homosexual organizations and can turn homosexuality into yet another of the subjects on which words on only one side are permitted.

There he goes again with that “gay agenda”. When is he going to learn that our only “agenda” is equality? And when I say equality, I mean outlawing the religious beliefs of hateful religions.

But he’s right about one thing. Teaching about the achievements of homosexuals in schools probably won’t have the effect of reducing bullying. We wouldn’t want that because we need our martyrs. It’s about sending the message that homosexuality is good.

And yes, we do want words on only one side to be permitted. OUR SIDE. That’s the American way. If you disagree with me, that’s like saying that slavery should be permitted. Opposition to homosexuality is kind of like slavery. That’s the catch-all excuse I use, anyway. You can borrow that if you’d like. What I mean to say is that this issue is beyond discussion. Opposing viewpoints are not allowed. If you attempt to voice them, we will discipline you.

And to think that Sowell and his band of wailing hysterical conservatives think that we want CENSORSHIP! Isn’t that ridiculous? We don’t want censorship. We just want to make your beliefs unspeakable under penalty of law, that’s all.

Gay marriage: Yes, it really is all about pissing you off.

Rosie O’Donnell is back in the news in recent weeks, this time explaining in an interview with USA Today that she married her girlfriend Kelli Carpenter just because she wanted to give the president the old “up yours!”

Rosie heard what Dubya said about that "traditional" marriage stuff...and she's PISSED!

Rosie explains:

“There’s something about marrying someone in a commitment with all your friends and family around you. … Kelli and I got married (in San Francisco in 2004) in some ways as an act of civil disobedience as much as anything. We didn’t have our family there, we didn’t have our children there. George Bush held a press conference in the middle of the war and says, ‘You know what the problem in this country is — those gay people in San Francisco.’ And I was so furious. I said, ‘Let’s go.'”

Yeah, there certainly is something about making a commitment to another person. Her commitment to her previous wife was so strong that it lasted three whole years!

But seriously, it wasn’t about the commitment. You can have that without the seal of approval from the state. Rosie and her new girlfriend can have whatever ceremony they want in any state, and they can commit themselves to each other until their hearts are content. That’s not what she wants. And neither do I. I want the power of the state to force other people to recognize my relationship as every bit as worthwhile as other relationships that don’t involve sodomy. And I want to force people to call Michael my “husband”. I want the heavy hand of the state to force people to do things against their will.

Getting married to piss of George W. Bush is really a pretty good reason to get married. I mean it. I’m just so surprised that a marriage based in spite toward another person didn’t last that long.

Rosie O'Donnell got hitched just to piss off this guy. And I think it really hurt his feelings. I'm sure it was part of his intelligence briefing the next day.

As it turns out, Rosie admitted more than a year ago that her marriage to Kelli was based more in hate than in love. Let’s listen to her words of wisdom:

What happened is, one state–California–Gavin Newsome, decided that it was unconstitutional to prevent gay people from getting married, and so, he started marrying people there in the state of California and the city of San Francisco. And that’s when Kelli mommy and I went and flew there and got married.

Okay, just to clear a few things up here. When Rosie says that “one state–California” decided that “it was was unconstitutional to prevent gay people from getting married”, she didn’t really mean California. California decided no such thing. She meant Gavin Newsome, who was, at the time, the mayor of San Francisco. And he decided, on his own whim, that it was unconstitutional and started issuing marriage licenses in defiance of state law. Which is really awesome. Now, if the mayor of one particular city in my state of Massachusetts decided that he was the arbiter of the state constitution, and that it was unconstitutional to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples, then I would be all up in arms. And I certainly wouldn’t say that “one state–Massachusetts” decided that marriage equality was unconstitutional. I would say that one fascist, law-breaking, rogue mayor had decided as much, but who really cares what the hell he thinks because it’s not his job to determine the constitutionality of jack squat. But I digress.

Rosie continues:

George Bush, in the middle of a war, had an all-station news conference to announce how horrible it was for the safety of America that gay people were getting married in San Francisco, which pissed me off enough to get on a plane and go get married.

Yeah, and he did this IN THE MIDDLE OF A WAR! During wartime, we aren’t allowed to talk about anything else except the war. Well, I tell that to people who oppose marriage equality, not those who support it. So basically, during wartime, those evil conservatives have to punt all the other issues to us. They must concentrate only on the war, which we on the other side are actively trying to lose.

Come to think of it, I kind of like this war thing. The one in Afghanistan has been going on for more than a decade, and no one knows how long it will take. Let’s stretch it out for a while. So long as there is a war going on, everybody has to shut up about the social issues. Everybody except the people on my side. And then, if we ever get out of this Afghanistan thing, I’ll say that conservatives have a lot of gall to oppose my agenda in the middle of this awful economy. The point is that I will always find a reason why we just shouldn’t talk about these things, and then I will apply those reasons only to people I don’t like.

I’m going to have to take it on faith that Dubya called an “all stations news conference” to talk about the grave security threat that marriage equality poses to the American way of life. That’s what Rosie said, and I believe her. I don’t remember that particular news conference but I’m sure it happened and he said exactly those things.

Tim Graham over at NewsBusters does not take Rosie at her word. The son-of-a-bitch fact checked her, which is really a mean trick. No fair going back and trying to find confirmation that Rosie’s version of events really happened. Her side of the story is an emotionally driven piece of propaganda, just like everything we fags say.  This is what Graham came up with:

“Okay, first of all, on February 24, 2004 , President Bush didn’t call ‘an all-station news conference.’ He made a rather routine statement (not a press conference) in the Roosevelt Room of the White House. And he didn’t say it was ‘horrible for the safety of America’ that gays would marry. He did say the people had voted to endorse the traditional definition of marriage, and some activist judges in Massachusetts and city officials in San Francisco were overturning the will of the people of California.”

You mean there wasn’t a single reference in the entire speech to the safety of America? Damn it, if this guy Graham keeps dragging in those things called “facts”, we might not be able to lie and rewrite history.

Graham actually provided a link to a news story about the speech. Bush went as far as to say:

“We should also conduct this difficult debate in a matter worthy of our country, without bitterness or anger. In all that lies ahead, let us match strong convictions with kindness and good will and decency.”

That’s hate speech! Good will and decency? Well, fuck him. I don’t want a civilized debate on this issue. I want what I want, and I want it NOW! Not only do I reject the idea of civilized debate, I reject the idea of ANY debate. This is not a topic that we will discuss and work out our differences. My policy preference will become law and if you stand in my way, I will hunt you down and punish you. I do not want dialogue, and I do not want dissenting opinions. Those things are downright un-American.

And really, I don’t care if the people of California voted twice to define marriage as between a man and a woman. That’s why I run to a homosexual judge every time I lose in a fair election and ask him to impose our personal agenda and overturn the will of the majority. You’ve got millions of Californians on your side? Tough shit! I’ve got a cock-sucking judge and he wins every time. No bias there. Just because he’s a homosexual doesn’t mean that his rulings are a foregone conclusion.

Besides, the mayor of the fourth largest city in California decided that the people of the entire state were wrong. And then he unilaterally decided to usurp authority that was not his. But Newsome was the mayor of San Francisco, and it’s his job to determine the constitutionality of the state’s marriage laws. And if he finds that they’re not up to muster, he can just defy them.

Gavin Newsome, Lt. Governor of California and former mayor of San Francisco.

Gavin Newsome is a hero! He doesn’t believe in any of that “sanctity of marriage” crap! We know that because he got caught stepping out on his wife. Yeah, he’s an adulterer. I tend to get pissy whenever anyone who opposes marriage equality gets caught cheating, but that’s because they’re HYPOCRITES. Go ahead and be a two-timing dirtbag if you want to, just as long as you don’t talk about marriage being “sacred” or anything like that. Don’t pretend to have any morals and we won’t blame you at all for moral failures.

Back to Rosie. So she got herself all in a huff back in 2004 over some imaginary remarks made at an imaginary news conference and then she ran off to San Francisco and got one of those illegitimate marriage licenses that the rogue mayor was handing out. Funny thing is, the marriage didn’t last and now they’re splitsville. I was shocked. It’s amazing the brash things that people will do when they react to things that exist only in their fevered imaginations.

As I listen to Rosie, I’m reminded of Julie and Hillary Goodridge, the two lesbians who sued the Commonwealth of Massachusetts for marriage rights and won. (They were represented by Gay and Lesbian Advocates and Defenders–GLAD–an organization that was born in the man-boy love movement. For more on that, see previous post: https://twogaybullies.wordpress.com/2011/08/05/kiddie-porn-ring-busted-glad-theyll-have-good-lawyers/ ) When arguing their case, the Goodridges pointed out that they had been together for more than twenty years, they had a child together, and they were in love!

Julie and Hillary Goodridge. They're IN LOVE! Well, they were until they achieved their goal of redefining marriage and then they fell out of love. Just like straight people do, m'kay?

And who are you to stop these two from loving each other? Okay, so no one was stopping anyone from loving anyone else. We just made that part up because of the emotional appeal that it has.

The Goodridges were married in 2004, seperated in 2006, and divorced in 2009. So their marriage lasted a little bit longer than Rosie’s. Now, don’t go getting all judgmental. Gay people will divorce just like straight people. Interestingly, we used the high rate of divorce among straight couples as an argument for why marriage isn’t really sacred and why we homos can do better. And now that I think of it, it does seem that they made such a big deal out of the fact that they had been together for twenty years and that they had a daughter together was because they wanted to demonstrate their stability, that they’re the model family. Huh. And then two years later they can’t stand each other and they want a divorce. Weird.

It’s almost as if playing house wasn’t fun any more, not after they’d succeeded in forcing their agenda on everyone else and pissing off the religious right. Ha! Ha! We won! And now, I don’t really want to be married to you until death do us part. I didn’t mean that shit. 

Gays get divorces just like straights, okay? But then again, straight people didn’t spend their whole lives crying about how they aren’t allowed to get married, how they’re just soooooooooo in love and they can’t live one second longer if the state doesn’t recognize that love, how they’re wonderful parents and they have such a stable and loving home. Nope, that was Hillary and Julie. As it turns out, twenty years together as cohabiting mommies was easy, but give them a marriage license and they’ll be divorced in less than the national average.

Marrying your partner just to piss off religious people is always a good way to make a good foundation for a family. I recommend it highly!

Florida school district hates the Boy Scouts. And so do we!

The never-ending war against the Boy Scouts of America continues in Pinellas County Florida. The local school board has voted to cut funds to a Scout-affiliated program called Learning for Life due to its policy of excluding agnostics, atheists, and members of the LGBTQXYZ community. The organization will now miss out on a grant worth $54,000.

The organization’s mission statement is as follows:

“To develop and deliver engaging, research based academic, character, leadership and career focused programs aligned to state and national standards that guide and enable all students to achieve their full potential.”

Yeah, and to teach the little tykes to be judging, judgmental homophobes!

I say good riddance to the Boy Scouts. Get lost and don’t come back. We’ve had enough of your “values”, your helping little old ladies across the street and such. We’re on to you. We know that when you say “values” you really mean driving homosexuals to kill themselves!

The Boy Scouts of America--Ku Klux Klan in neckerchiefs.

Seriously though, if I threatened to kill myself do you think the government would force them to allow me to join? Because I would really be interested in taking some young boys camping. Threatening to kill myself usually works, but this time it might not. You see, back in 2000, there was this supreme court decision called Dale v. Boy Scouts that actually said that private organizations can maintain their own membership requirements because they are private! Can you believe that? I thought “private” meant that the government decided their membership requirements. That’s what private means to me. And because I’m so used to the government forcing people to accept my behavior, I was shocked–shocked!–to find out that this private organization had the right to free association.

Since the Dale decision, we homosexuals have teamed up with the godless community (and there’s a A LOT of overlapping there) to engage in a war of attrition against the BSA. We failed in our attempt to force them to accept us as members, so now we’re going to have harass them on every front, push them out of their long held meeting places, and cut their funding until they cry uncle and let homosexuals like me take their sons out on camping trips.

So what is their rationale for excluding sodomites? Apparently we’re “unclean”.

“Boy Scouts of America believes that homosexual conduct is inconsistent with the obligations in the Scout Oath and Scout Law to be morally straight and clean in thought, word, and deed.”

Huh? So their lame ass excuse for keeping us out is that we’re “icky”! Nothing icky about two men buttfucking. And as far as morally straight, well…I don’t have a straight bone in  my body.

But seriously, what’s unclean about sodomy? Let’s ask radical gay bully and all around pervert Dan Savage. He knows. He coined the term “Santorum”, defined as:

Feces, jizz, and KY jelly. What’s unclean about that?

Just to underscore the point that sodomy is definitely NOT an unclean practice, let’s refer to that taxpayer funded youth-oriented pamphlet that I distribute out of my office at the high school. Let’s see, besides fuckin’, suckin’, piss play, and “lickin’ butt”, there’s also a section on toys.

“There is some risk of hepatitis, herpes, warts, and parasites.”

PARASITES? So I could get little critters crawling around among my dingleberries? Geez, that does sound a little gross. But it’s definitely not unclean as the bigoted Boy Scouts will tell you.

Oh yes, and the pamphlet also warns that the risk of intestinal parasites is very high when “rimming” (lickin’ butt). But all of that can be avoided if we just teach the little tenderfeet to do all of these things safely! Rather than discouraging such behaviors, scoutmasters should be offering instruction on how to properly clean toys between one boy’s anus and the other. That way they would be able to do it safely and it wouldn’t be at all unclean.

But no! These uptight prudes think the best solution is simply to teach their sons not to do these things. Which is just dumb. I want to get into this club so I can teach them my way of doing things.

Luckily, we have the Democratic Party in our corner on this one. They hate the Boy Scouts just as much as we do. Who can forget when delegates at the 2000 DNC National Convention in Los Angeles actually booed the Boy Scouts while they were presenting the colors?

That was truly the highlight of the convention, even better than watching Al and Tipper make out. Now, at first I was a little confused. As I was watching the whole thing unfold, I thought to myself, “Are they booing the Christofascist scouts or are they booing the colors?” I’d be in favor of booing both, actually. But then I watched as the delegates quickly drew up makeshift signs that read “we support gay scouts”, and my heart swelled with pride. So they were booing the children. That was very sweet of them.

Interesting side note: the little scouts actually got their revenge on the Democrats. At the 2010 National Jamboree, the scouts booed President Obama. Ouch! I guess they can boo back. If I had been president, I would have called in drones on the whole encampment of little terrorists. Too bad he didn’t.

The Boy Scouts of America, a dangerous hate group. They're not yet on the SPLC's list of hate groups, though I trust they will be soon. Somebody's got to stop them.

I recently learned of the existence of a wonderful group called “Scouting for All” that works to pressure the BSA to repeal its ban on pole-smokers and the godless. Scouting for All holds “tolerance” and “diversity” as its highest ideals. Just in case you were wondering if those two words are codewords for homos infiltrating kiddie organizations, now you know that they are.

I hold the highest respect for one of Scouting for All’s leaders, a certain defrocked priest named John Hemstreet. He’s a gay man, a convicted child molester, an alcoholic, and the president of his local chapters of Scouting for All and PFLAG.

Wait–did I say that he’s a gay man and a child molester? That’s not possible. Because child molesters are not really attracted to their victims, they just rape them for the sense of power it provides. That’s the pat answer I’ve been given anyway. Child molesters are not gays and gays are not child molesters. The definition of one precludes the other. Because if you consider the fact that nearly all of the child predatory aspects of scouting are male-on-male, you’d have to assume that these people are in fact homosexuals, or at least bisexuals. But no, I prefer to believe that men who rape little boys don’t have a homosexual bone in their bodies. In fact, they don’t even get off on it. Again, as I mentioned before, there is no sexual attraction  involved. It’s merely a sense of power. Kind of odd though how child molesters seem to have a preference for one sex or the other. Even odder that a convicted child molester would be the president of his local chapter of an influential gay rights group (PFLAG).

As I mentioned before, John Hemstreet was a Catholic priest but then he got caught boinking the altar boys and he had to leave the priesthood. Normally, I would get all upset about that. I don’t really hate child molesting Catholic priests because they’re child molesters. I hate them because they’re Catholic priests. But this particular child molesting Catholic priest redeemed himself by leaving that awful church and spearheading two gay rights groups in his area. Which is kind of odd, considering the fact that he’s not gay, he’s a child molester. And it’s literally impossible for a person to be both. Weird.

Scouting for All knot. It interweaves the purple and white of the international scouting movement with the rainbow colors of the pro-sodomy movement.

Hemstreet led a protest outside the offices of the BSA’s Erie Shores Council in May of 2000. He says that he’s great scoutmaster material and the BSA should quit being H8-ful H8ers and just let him be a scoutmaster again, despite the fact that he’s already been to jail for raping little boys.

And really, why should that exclude him from being a scout leader? Hemstreet explains:

“The thing that I did seven years ago is a horrendous thing. I’m not denying that. Nor am I denying that I did it. I was arrested. I was arraigned. I did go to court. I served my time and I am off on probation.”

Furthermore, it wasn’t even scouts that Hemstreet was convicted of raping. It was altar boys. Big difference.

“The crime that I committed was committed after I, kind of, retired from the active priesthood. It was not related to scouting at all–I was drunker than a skunk.”

See? So it was the booze, not his pervy desires that drove him to bang children. And besides, the boys weren’t even associated with the scouts. It was completely compartmentalized. Even though he might force a child to pleasure him in the sacristy after mass, he would never–and I mean NEVER–force a child to pleasure him in his tent on a camporee.

“At the time I was mainly in denial, and I certainly wasn’t coming out.”

Wait, wait, wait. Did he say “coming out”? You mean like coming out as a homosexual? Damn it, will someone tell this guy to get back on script? He’s NOT GAY! He’s a child molester. And child molesters are not gay. He’s not really attracted to the male of the species, he just likes the feeling of power he gets when dominating boys. Because if we had to admit that men who molest boys are in fact homosexual–a fact that appears glaringly obvious to anyone who hasn’t been inundated with homosexual propaganda–we might have to admit that homosexual men are responsible for an alarmingly disproportionate amount of child molesting.

Hemstreet explained that his interest in scouting flows from an honest desire to “give back” to the community. He has hurt little boys in the past so now he wants to join the Boy Scouts to do some penance. I don’t know why anyone wouldn’t believe an explanation like that coming out of the mouth of a convicted child molester. I believe him. Sure, he’s raped little boys before–not boy scouts, but other types of little boys. Sure he did time in prison. But now he’s out and he wants to repay his debt to society by…taking little boys camping! Nothing suspicious about that. He just likes kids and wants to do something to help them.

Sadly, the Scouts continue their evil discrimination. It takes a better organization full of kind and accepting people to extend membership to a guy like Hemstreet. Two organizations I can think of–Scouting for All and PFLAG– seem to have no problem whatsoever with allowing Hemstreet as a member. Heck, they have no problem with allowing him to serve in a leadership role. Now that’s what I call tolerance. The Boy Scouts could learn a thing or two from these two fine organizations.

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