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Posts tagged ‘Jews for Decency’

It takes courage to stand up for marriage equality. Bribes help too.

Three cheers for New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg. He’s putting his checkbook where his mouth is, donating the maximum amount allowed under law ($10,300) to four Republican senators who voted “yes” on marriage equality.  Forbes.com lists Michael Bloomberg as the twenty-third richest billionaire in the world with a net worth of $18 billion. He’s only a few places behind the Waltons of the Wal-Mart fortune. Bloomberg could probably scrounge up ten grand from the couch cushions in his mansion.

Without these four senators, the bill would not have passed. The vote turned out 33-29, in favor of marriage equality. If those four senators had been on the other side, the vote would have been 29-33, in favor of discrimination against homosexuals. So it’s nice to know that Michael Bloomberg’s bribes secured our victory.  Just call him Mr. Moneybags.

http://www.nydailynews.com/news/politics/2011/07/14/2011-07-14_mike_rewards_4_gop_gaynups_backers.html?r=news/politics

Wait, did I say bribes? Well, let’s not make bribery sound like a bad thing in all situations. While the line between a bribe and a campaign donation is usually a thin one, there is usually a general rule of thumb that can be applied to tell the difference. A bribe is given quid pro quo. You vote the way I want on this bill and I’ll write you a check. You defy me and there will be no money for you. That’s the difference between a campaign donation and a bribe.

Mayor Michael Bloomberg makes the case for marriage equality. And when you can’t persuade with arguments, it helps to just buy people off. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Money has a very persuasive effect. Bloomberg is a good Jew. We like this Jew.

Mayor Bloomberg had to resort to bribery to acheive his ends. So what? Bribery for a good cause is no vice. When you understand that marriage inequality is akin to Jim Crow–again, just to make the ridiculous comparison between myself and black people one more time–bribery doesn’t seem like such a bad thing. What if a really rich New York liberal had written checks to Southern Democrats, in order to get them to switch sides? See, so bribery is okay when you occupy the position of absolute righteousness that we do. In fact, anything goes.

 
“The mayor said he would support Senate Republicans who stood up – and he did,” said top Bloomberg aide Micah Lasher. Bloomberg supported them with a cash donation in exchange for their votes. It was understood by all parties involved that the campaign donations came with one condition. And they all jumped on the deal like the political whores that they are. Good for them!
 

Rabbi Leiter of Jews for Decency walks and talks with Republican Senator James Alesi, one of the Republicans who flip-flopped on the issue after he smelled a campaign donation. Good thing he listened to the Jew with the big checkbook rather than the Jew with the beard and the silly hat. Money talks, bitches!

Senator James Alesi, for example, was against the bill right up until June 13th, fewer than ten days before the vote. He was invited to Manhattan, wooed from every angle, and eventually recanted his previous opposition to marriage equality, offering his apologies for ever being against it. So bribery is pretty effective. Man, it took a lot of courage for Senator Alesi to vote for marriage equality. When I think of people who abandon their values and dance for Mayor Bloomberg’s cash, I think ‘Wow that took balls’. There’s nothing more courageous than selling out for cash.   
 
Money has always been the homosexual lobby’s secret weapon. Not only are gays superrich, so are our straight friends–ie. Michael Bloomberg. We love to brag about the taxes we pay and how we’re owed something because of it. We all know that that’s secret code for, “We got money, we got power”. It’s easier to just buy off politicians than it is to win hearts and minds.
 
We always manage to raise more money for our side, yet lose the vote. At least when the vote is put to the people, which is something we should never do. We must never vote on civil rights. Wait a second, didn’t we vote on civil right in New York last month and weren’t we thrilled? Okay, let me rephrase that. We must never vote on civil rights–not unless we can guarantee the result with a large infusion of cash.
 
The cash gap always favors us. In California, we raised $44.1 million to oppose Prop H8. The H8ers raised $38.7 million. (We later complained that many of their donors were from–gasp!–out of state, but of course our out of state money exceeded theirs). In Maine, our side raised $5.7 million and their side $3.4 million.
 
If only we could have written ten thousand dollar checks to each and every voter in California and Maine. It’s much easier to just bribe four senators. Bribery works wonders in a legislature. It’s much less effective when applied to a ballot question. So let’s make sure that marriage equality never ends up on the ballot, anywhere.
 
Thank goodness for wealthy fags and their big checkbooks.    

I ♥ NY (The Jews? Not so much.)

As I’m sure you have all already heard, New York has become the sixth state in the union to pass marriage equality.  I was absolutely giddy to hear the news.  Finally, those guys from the Village People can start pairing off together!

Now that we have vanquished our bigoted foes, I think it’s about time we seek to personally destroy anyone who opposed us. Democracy works a lot better when we intimidate, blacklist, harass and persecute our opponents. Wait, did I say democracy? I usually don’t like democracy, not unless it yields the results I want, as it did last night in Albany. Minority rights must never be voted on, unless my side wins and then I get a tear in my eye and I celebrate with champagne. In the future, we must devise a form of democracy that ensures that my side wins every time.

I really like how the homosexuals of California handled their Prop H8 defeat. Blacklisting their (mostly Mormon and Catholic) opponents guarantees that anyone who disagrees with us will think twice in the future about voting, speaking, or donating money. Blacklisting used to be a bad thing, back when the Hollywood studios used it against the Stalinist Left for about fifteen minutes during the McCarthyite 1950’s. I know it was bad because I’ve seen about sixteen movies and four PBS documentaries about it. But those were just utopian visionaries who wanted to bring the oppressive Soviet system to America, so let’s not compare them to the moral monsters who object to redefining marriage.

That’s why I was thrilled to discover a website pop up after Prop H8 called stopthemormons.org. Click on the site on my blog roll. As the bloggers explain in their FAQ, “Stop the Mormons” is not a bigoted, anti-Mormon site because Mormons really do deserve all the hate they get. Personally, I’ve never met a Mormon, but I kind of agree. Hating people who deserve to be hated isn’t hate. Also, the bloggers filled their website with testimony from all sorts of token non-Mormon Mormons that prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that they don’t hate Mormons. They even have a picture of noted Mormon Harry Reid on their site. And everyone knows that Harry Reid is a super-devout Mormon. He just pretends that he isn’t in public.

Harry Reid, a devout Mormon. See? He's praying! Right there at the podium. Ha! Just kidding. Harry Reid doesn't believe any of that Mormon crap, and if he did we'd kneecap that motherfucker too. Still, it's nice to have guys like him around that provide us cover for our anti-Mormon hate.

As it turns out, there aren’t many Mormons in New York, so they weren’t as much of a force as they were in California.  I’m sure they were still hanging out in their caves in the desert, meddling in the affairs of New York from afar and marrying multiple underage brides.

But from what I saw, the main opponents of New York’s marriage equality bill were THE JEWS! So I immediately ran to my computer and tried to register the domain name “stopthejews.org”. But then I thought to myself, “Wait a second, Patrick. That sounds kind of anti-Semitic”.

But no, it isn’t true! I have lots of Jewish friends. None of them actually practice Judaism, but at least they’ve had their kosher franks circumcised. I know this because I’ve seen all of my friends’ dicks up close.  So I had a little debate with myself, right then and there. I asked myself, if someone had a website called “Stop the blacks” or “Stop the Mexicans”, would I consider that racist? Yes, I would.  If someone had a blog called “Stop the gays”, would I consider that homophobic? Yes, I certainly would. If someone had a blog called “Stop the Muslims”, would I consider that Islamophobic? Yes. And heaven knows that I’m deathly afraid of being called Islamaphobic.

But this is different! I would even go out of my way to find Jews who agree with me and lace the website with quotes from them, thus proving that a website about “stopping the Jews” is not really anti-Jewish. It’s kind of the same thing with the Mormons. I DO NOT hate Mormons. I just hate people who subscribe to the Mormon faith. If, for example, you are a Mormon who doesn’t actually believe any of that Mormon crap, then we’re cool. That way, you can provide cover for me against the charge that I am anti-Mormon. It’s the same with the Jews.

So let me clarify what I mean by “stop the Jews”. I am NOT against Jews. I love secular Hollywood Jews like Steven Spielberg. The well-known director and Eagle Scout even told the Boy Scouts of America to piss off over their no homosexual policy. Which is great, because I really think that the BSA should allow me to take little boys camping. It’s a travesty that they don’t. It’s good to know that when a wholesome youth organization dedicated to building character and helping little old ladies across the street is in a pitched battle with a group of foaming-at-the-mouth homosexuals, Steven Spielberg knows which side he’s on. I REALLY like the secular Hollywood Jews who happen to be gay–David Geffen and Joel Schumacher, for example. They make lots of great propaganda films.

And there are loads of good Jews in politics. Take, for example, Anthony’s Weiner, the recently deposed Congressman from New York. Now there was a nasty, arrogant, loud-mouth, in-your-face Jew that I could have really gotten along with. And since he’s never had the pretense of standing for “family values” (quote-unquote), then what he did was not hypocritical. And so it’s fine. There’s nothing wrong with being a dirtbag so long as you never pretended to have any moral standards in the first place. And really, you gotta like a Congressman who plays dress up in a bra and panties. My husband and I did that last weekend, so it’s kind of neat to know that a congressman does the same thing.

Anthony Weiner in his crazy college days. I thought he was just an arrogant prick. Who knew he had a softer side? He's a good Jew. We like this Jew.

No, the kind of Jews I hate are the ones with the hats and the beards and the lamb chops. Y’know–the churchy Jews. I guess you would call them synagogue-y Jews. Just last week, a group calling itself “Jews for Decency” descended upon the state house in Albany like locusts, doing their best to ambush senators and persuade them to vote “no” on marriage equality. Yeah right, more like “Jews for Fascism”. As I’ve found in the past, “decency” is basically a code word for fascism. Beware of anyone who uses it. Check out their website here:

http://www.jewsfordecency.org

Oh, the Jews and their “decency”. Don’t they know that religious organizations have no say whatsoever in governmental affairs? That’s what we patriotic Americans like to call the “seperation of church and state”. It’s been part of the American legal tradition ever since a KKK member named Justice Hugo Black inserted it into his majority opinion in order to deprive Catholics the use of public facilities. It’s not actually in the Constitution, but that’s good enough for me. Now, if some short, dumpy, bi-curious, genderqueer Methodist minister from some ultra-left wing church in a college town wants to come testify before the New York legislature, that’s okay. It’s okay because everyone knows (s)he doesn’t really believe in God, and thus the seperation of church and state no longer applies.

Rabbi Leiter of Jews for "Decency" walks and talks with Republican Senator James Alesi. Thankfully, Alesi told this Jew-boy to take a hike and voted YES on marriage equality. Good for him. And as for Rabbi Leiter--now I know why your people have been hated down through history. Don't you dare try to twist that as some kind of anti-Semitic remark.

I was thinking to myself that we should handle these Jews just the same way we handled the Mormons. For example, we should boycott Jewish-owned business, just like we boycotted Mormon-owned businesses. We should vandalize their houses of worship just the same way we did to Catholics and Mormons after Prop H8. But then a thought occurred to me–wait a second, if we treated Jews the same way we treated Mormons,  someone might draw a connection between our intimidation campaign and Kristallnacht. And then the Jews would be able to claim “victimhood”.

"Kauft nicht bei Juden!" (Don't buy from Jews!) I was thinking we could mount a campaign like this after last night's marriage equality vote. It seemed to work with the Mormons. But someone might see some historical parallels, so let's not do it. We're going to have to find another way to punish the Jews. I'm open to ideas, just leave a comment.

So let’s recap. I want to find a way to punish the Jews for participating in the democratic process on the other side of an issue about which I feel strongly. That does not mean that I am anti-Jewish, because I don’t hate all Jews. I only hate Jews who practice Judaism and believe that silly book they’ve been lugging around for like five thousand years. I’d like to treat them just like the we treated the Mormons after Proposition 8–unleash so much bile and discrimination against them that they’ll never even dream of opposing us in the future. Not that I’m anti-Mormon. Of course, if I treated the Jews the same way that I treated the Mormons, someone might see shades of Nazism in my actions. And I don’t want that.

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