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If only I loved poor children as much as I hate Christians…

I take pleasure in announcing another great victory for the movement towards full equality. We are now depriving third world children of shoes!

Recently, entrepreneur and TOMS shoes founder Blake Mycoskie appeared at a speaking engagement sponsored by the anti-gay, anti-choice, “Focus on the Family”. I’m pretty sure these people don’t believe in dinosaurs, actually. Focus on the Family is so evil that they must not be allowed to do good. In fact, if they try, we should prevent them from doing good.

Focus on the Family flyer advertising its "Feet on the Ground" event with Blake Mycoskie. Very incriminating. This flyer is very hateful. It appears that Focus on the Family is conspiring with a shoe manufacturer to...distribute shoes to poor people! This is the smoking gun.

Here’s all you need to know about Focus on the Family. They oppose gay marriage, just like half of the country. They oppose abortion, just like a slim majority of the country. They don’t believe in evolution just like 61% of Americans.  And they’re VERY much on the fringe. They’re not hip, they’re square. They’re basically the mothership of the Christofascist movement. Focus on the Family also sponsors an annual “Day of Dialogue” in which they encourage students to talk about “God’s plan” for sexuality. The day is scheduled to coincide annually with the pro-gay National Day of Silence. Personally, I don’t really care about “God’s plan” for my dick. I care about my plan. In any case, the National Day of Silence is a time for people to shut up. The name of the day is very clear. They want dialogue and we want SILENCE!

When word got out that Mycoskie was associating with the likes of Focus on the Family, the shit hit the fan. The feminists went berserk, and so did the sodomites. The gay blogosphere was abuzz with vitriol for TOMS. I immediately ran to my shoe closet to see if I owned a pair. After searching through the seventy pairs of shoes I own, I found that in fact, I DO own some of TOMS shoes. They’re pink and they have sequins on them. I ran to the deck and hurled them out into the ocean just to show my disgust for Mr. Mycoskie and his company.

Blake Mycoskie, founder of TOMS shoes and known accomplice of the Focus on the Family hate group. He stepped off the reservation for just a second, but we brought him back into line. Here he is distributing shoes to some impoverished kid in the third world, which he does quite a bit. Just one question: Is the handsome young gentleman single?

Ms. Magazine immediately started an online petition asking TOMS shoes to drop any relationship with Focus on the Family. LGBTQXYZ people and their allies alerted each other via facebook and twitter to get over there and sign the petition. It didn’t take more than a few minutes before the handsome man got back on the right side of things. Let’s face it, we homos have POWER! We just have to pretend that we don’t so that we can continue to perpetuate the myth that we’re poor, downtrodden victims, abused by society. We’re nothing of the sort.

Irene Carmon of Jezebel.com explains her thinking in regards to TOMS shoes and Focus on the Family:

“There’s nothing inherently political about distributing shoes to African children, of course. In theory, it’s a good thing for Focus to spend less time trying to police sex and more actually helping people, but they’ve not really cut back on the former. And Focus On The Family isn’t the only group TOMS could have turned to for collaboration, nor is it the only Christian group involved in charitable missions. It carries significant cultural and political baggage, for good reason. TOMS is at major risk of alienating a constituency that has enthusiastically adopted their product, including yours truly.”

I couldn’t agree more. For years, I’ve said that “Christian” groups like Focus on the Family should spend more of their time and effort trying to feed and clothe the poor and less of their time worrying about sodomy and baby-killing. When I phrase it that way, it sounds like a zero sum game, as if they can’t do both. Every time you say that homosexuality is wrong, another child dies in a third world village. It’s just one of many schemes I’ve come up with to shut people up. It makes them feel like a “bad Christian” for opposing my agenda, and that’s what I want them to believe.

The truth is that the Christian groups that I hate so much DO perform lots of acts of charity to the poor. That really pisses me off. So when they actually take my advice and do what I think they should be doing, I get pretty upset about that too. I’d rather the kids not have shoes if hateful, hate-mongering haters are going to have anything to do with it.  

Mr. Mycoksie quickly distanced himself from the far-right hate group with an official apology:

Had I known the full extent of Focus on the Family’s beliefs, I would not have accepted the invitation to speak at their event. It was an oversight on my part and the company’s part and one we regret…Furthermore, contrary to what has been reported, Focus on the Family is not a TOMS giving partner. So there is no misunderstanding created by this mistake, let me clearly state that both TOMS, and I as the founder, are passionate believers in equal human and civil rights for all. That belief is a core value of the company and of which we are most proud.

Nice apology, I suppose. I went down to the waterfront after I read that to see if I could fish my pink shoes out of the ocean, but it appears they are gone. I’ll check again at low-tide.

TOMS Shoes is a big fan of helping poor children. I'm just glad they don't allow their love for children to overshadow their hate for Christians who actually believe the Bible. It's more important that we shun and punish those we disagree with than to acheive humanitarian goals.

Mycoskie stressed that Focus on the Family will NOT be part of the “One-for-One” program that gives shoes to children in the third world.  For each pair of shoes you buy, TOMS donates one pair to needy children. Mycoskie learned the value of shoes during his trips to Argentina, where he sometimes encountered people who had none. TOMS explains on its website why shoes are so important:

1. Many children in developing countries grow up barefoot. Whether at play, doing chores or going to school, these children are at risk:

2. A leading cause of disease in developing countries is soil-transmitted diseases, which can penetrate the skin through bare feet. Wearing shoes can help prevent these diseases, and the long-term physical and cognitive harm they cause.

3. Wearing shoes also prevents feet from getting cuts and sores. Not only are these injuries painful, they also are dangerous when wounds become infected.

4. Many times children can’t attend school barefoot because shoes are a required part of their uniform. If they don’t have shoes, they don’t go to school. If they don’t receive an education, they don’t have the opportunity to realize their potential.

TOMS also partners with other organizations in order to further its mission. From a video on their website:

“We partner with humanitarian and health organizations around the world. They can help us give shoes year after year, providing shoes to the same children as they grow.

But they won’t partner with Focus on the Family and I’m glad for that. If that means that thousands of kids will have to go barefoot and get communicable diseases and other icky stuff like that, then I suppose that’s the way the cookie crumbles. If that means that they can’t go to school and get an education, I’m fine with that too. If their little feet get cut up and infected, that’s just too damned bad. I’d hate to think that somewhere in Somalia or Myanmar there’s some kid walking around with a pair of shoes on his feet that were paid for by a homophobic American pastor. So it’s better this way. A lot better.  

Thanks to all of you who signed the petition. TOMS shoes really heard us loud and clear!  As I’ve said before, we have corporate America in our pocket. We say ‘jump’, and they say ‘how high?’ Just remember–eternal vigilance is the price of guilt-free sodomy!

Cisco Systems, Inc. fires anti-gay bigot

Let me go on record as a strong supporter of firing all opponents of marriage equality. They should not have jobs. Not anywhere. They do not deserve gainful employment. They deserve to live somewhere under a bridge in a cardboard box. If they don’t understand  “inclusion” they should be excluded from the labor force. I don’t care if they fill up our homeless shelters. Wait—on second thought, they should be thrown out of there too!

As some of you may have heard, another Christian crybaby is complaining that he was fired from his job for being a bigot. Boo hoo. The homophobe in question is a man named Dr. Frank Turek, and—until very recently— he worked for Cisco Systems, Incorporated.

Dr. Turek is the author of Correct, not Politically Correct: How Same-Sex Marriage Hurts Everyone, an error-filled, culturally-biased homophobic screed that I have not read, nor will I ever. As a Christian, he is unable to see homosexuality with any degree of objectivity.

Turek's offense. Haven't read it because I might kill myself.

I know someone who knows someone who claims to have read it, and he said it hurt his feelings. Given the fact that gays are emotionally fragile people prone to kill themselves at any moment, I think prosecutors should look into the filing criminal charges against Dr. Turek and his publisher.

Cisco actually put the BIGOT in charge of giving a leadership and team-building seminar for managers within the company! Later on, one of the managers who attended his seminar googled Turek’s name and found incontrovertible proof that Turek is a homophobe. The complaining manager is also a homo, so you know he’s the good guy here. He didn’t read the book either, by the way.

The manager complained to Cisco’s HR Department, which promptly fired Turek. Bravo, Cisco! Disagreement will not be tolerated. That was the right move to make. Very courageous.

Cisco Systems supports diversity! It's nice to know that we still have Corporate America in our pocket. Yes, when we queers say 'jump' they say 'how high?' They do nothing but kiss our asses, and for that we thank them.

Now I must amend previous statements I have made. From time to time, ignorant bigots have accused me of wanting to fire people of faith simply for believing the tenets of their religion. Nothing could be further from the truth! In previous contexts I have said that it’s okay if the person believes homosexuality to be immoral so long as he can work with sodomites like me. Then I had to back away from that statement. Later, I said that it’s quite okay if some Christofascist disagrees with homosexuality so long as he only makes his bigoted statements when he is off the clock. But then I had to back away from that statement too. I later explained that gay-haters can espouse their ignorant beliefs all they want, so long as they are off the clock and they don’t mention the name of their employer.

But that would let Dr. Turek off the hook. After all, Turek’s writing was an outside activity that has nothing to do with his work at Cisco. He never presented himself as an employee of Cisco when he wrote. Also, his leadership and team-building seminars were excellent, according to the gay complainer who got him fired. He never once mentioned during his seminar that he wrote a homophobic book, and the only reason the perpetually offended homosexual knew about it is because he typed Turek’s name into a search engine.

Dr. Frank Turek, known homophobe. Kind of cute though. I'd bet that after a night with me he wouldn't be quite as straight as he thought he was. In any case, I'm so glad he's been fired.

So let me clarify: Christians can hold whatever backwards, Paleolithic beliefs they want, with one important caveat—they must always pretend that they don’t believe those things. They may not express those beliefs under any circumstances. That means in the workplace, outside the workplace, at home, in the car with friends, at a party, on the beach, on the street, in church, or anywhere else. Not in a box or with a fox, not in a house or with a mouse. That way, gays will be free of defamation just like they are in Canada and Sweden!

I know, this seems like I’m backtracking. I had previously said that Christians can say anything they want so long as they leave their employers out of it.

Back in 2008 a black woman named Crystal Dixon was fired from her job at the University of Toledo because of a filthy, angry, anti-gay letter she wrote to her local newspaper. Just a few of the “gems” Crystal imparted on us:

First, human beings, regardless of their choices in life, are of ultimate value to God and should be viewed the same by others.

Have you ever heard such bigotry?! Also:

Jesus Christ loves the sinner but hates the sin (John 8:1-11.)

Oh, that old chestnut again. Everyone knows that loving the sinner requires you to affirm his sinfulness. Anything less is bigotry. And finally:

As a Black woman who happens to be an alumnus of the University of Toledo’s Graduate School, an employee and business owner, I take great umbrage at the notion that those choosing the homosexual lifestyle are “civil rights victims.” Here’s why. I cannot wake up tomorrow and not be a Black woman. I am genetically and biologically a Black woman and very pleased to be so as my Creator intended.

Gasp! Apparently she didn’t get the memo that gay is the new black. She actually thinks that I choose who I sleep with! I’ve tried to explain this to homophobes on numerous occasions, but I’ll try again. Black people have higher levels of melanin in their skin. Homosexuals commit filthy acts of sodomy.  See the similarity? The parallels are eerie. How can anyone—much less a woman of color!—not see the blinding truth that homosexuality is equivalent to having black skin?

Crystal Dixon, known homophobe. She was fired from her job at the University of Toledo for not understanding that sodomy is roughly equivalent to having black skin. What would she know about being black, anyway? Ugh. I really hate black people. They've always been the churchiest of all the races. Roseanne Barr was right about them.

Anyway, back then I explained that she wasn’t being fired for her homophobic beliefs because that would have appeared to be a form of religious discrimination. I said that she was being fired for mentioning in the letter that she was an employee of the University of Toledo, and thus representing the school when she wrote her letter. See the difference?

Then there was the case of Sergeant Eric Holyfield, a raging homophobe and 16-year veteran of the Los Angeles Police Department. Holyfield serves as a pastor at his church when off duty. When delivering a eulogy for a fellow police officer, Holyfield quoted First Corinthians Chapter Six, a verse from that hate-filled book known as the Bible. It said that homosexuals would not inherit the kingdom of God. And he was demoted, thank goodness! He should have been fired, but demotion is almost good enough.

At the time I explained that he wasn’t demoted for reading from the Bible. Instead, I said that he was demoted because he read from the Bible and identified himself as the deceased police officer’s supervisor, which makes a huge difference. He can say anything he wants so long as he doesn’t mention his affiliation with the LAPD.

See, so no one’s freedom is being squashed here. There is no chilling effect. People are just being fired for not denying their faith, that’s all.

And now back to Dr. Turek. Okay, so he never mentioned his beliefs at work. And he never mentioned in his writing that he worked at Cisco. But that’s okay, I’ll just move the goalposts.  I agree with his termination. He obviously doesn’t support Cisco’s values of inclusion and tolerance.

‘Tolerance’, by the way, does not mean that I have to tolerate other people’s religious beliefs. Tolerance means that people of the Christian faith get pink slips unless they take a black marker to all of the passages of the Bible that offend me. ‘Inclusion’does not mean including people of various faith backgrounds. It means including people of various sexual perversions.

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