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Archive for December, 2011

Let’s get serious about anal health! (But not too serious)

So I was down at the LGBTQXYZ health clinic the other day, getting some of the special LGBTQXYZ medications I take for special LGBTQXYZ diseases that I’ve contracted from bathhouse sex over the years, when I stumbled upon a great article in Positively Aware Magazine.

For those of you who aren’t familiar with the publication, Positively Aware is a free ‘zine available at health clinics that focuses on AIDS awareness. Oddly enough, the magazine has an unmistakeably gay bent, which is really inappropriate and downright ignorant. If I’ve learned anything from AIDS educators it’s that AIDS is definitely NOT a gay disease. It has nothing to do with homosexuality, it has to do with lack of federal funding for research. Butt sex isn’t the cause of AIDS, Ronald Ray-gun is. Thankfully, the magazine skips over references to butt pirates by referring to them as MSM–men who have sex with men. That’s a totally different category from cock smugglers.

PA Magazine, November/December 2011

While I was waiting patiently for the doctor to fill my ‘scrip for antibiotics (I have the clap, y’know) I found a wonderful article by Dr. Gary Bucher, MD, an  anal dysplasia and anal cancer prevention specialist from Chicago. It was called “Getting to the Bottom of It: Be Proactive About Anal Health”. What an eye opener!

http://positivelyaware.com/2011/11_07/analHealth.shtml

The title of the article was, in itself, enough to tickle my funny bone. Get to the bottom of “it”? Get to the bottom of what, exactly? And then I saw the picture and it all became crystal clear to me. He’s talking about my asshole! Silly goose.  Why didn’t he just say so?

The cup in the picture above is a symbolic stand-in for arseholes. I suppose the publisher thought that a picture of a dixie cup with a spoon in it was enough to get the point across without actually printing a picture of someone’s sphincter. But the message came through loud and clear for me. That’s about how wide my asshole is, and yes, sometimes I shove a spoon up there just cause it feels good. I’m kind of loosey-goosey in my anal region, due to years of using my asshole as the vagina I never had. Sometimes when I walk, it kind of wiggles and jiggles like one of those old Jell-O commercials with Bill Cosby. You get the picture, right?

Dr. Bucher explains that there are pro-active steps that a person can take to catch anal health problems before they get out of hand. Prevention is the key.

I also ask the patient if they have performed an anal self-exam by using their finger to feel around for any lumps or bumps inside their anus.

Well no, that’s not something I usually do. But if the doctor wants to do it for me, that would be great.

The good doctor also recommends yearly anal pap smears for “high risk groups”. I think I might be one of the high risk groups considering the fact that my sexual proclivities tend to make me high risk for just about everything. But how can I be sure?

Individuals at increased risk for developing anal cancer include HIV-positive men and women; HIV-negative men who have sex with men (MSM); women with a history of cervical, vaginal, or vulvar cancer or cervical dysplasia; chronically immunosuppressed organ transplant patients; men and women with a history of anal warts; and people who smoke tobacco.

Oh! Well, I don’t have AIDS. At least I don’t think I do. Maybe I should wait for the test results. But I’ve had anal warts before. I think there was a mean case of that stuff circulating in the West Village when I was there in the late 80s. I am also an “MSM”. So that means that I fall into two high risk groups.

I don’t smoke however; at least not tobacco. I prefer pole. Because tobacco is just gross. Smokers should be shunned and forced to pay eight dollars a pack just in taxes on their fifty cent box of coffin nails. Smoking is so unhealthy, and as we have seen, it obviously leads to cancer in all parts of the body, including the asshole. People shouldn’t smoke because it’s unhealthy.

Sodomy, on the other hand, is completely safe. And if any doctor ever told me that it wasn’t, I would storm off in a snit and contact the state to see if I couldn’t get his license pulled.

Okay, so I have a story to share about medical malpractice. It happened to me in the bad old days, about 1982, when fear and ignorance were the normative climate that surrounded all things HIV. I went to the doctor to get tested because half of my ex-boyfriends were coming down with it. He gave me a full exam and then sat me down for a little doctor/patient chat. He informed me that I had the gay “triple crown”–gonorrhea, anal warts, and protozoal infections– but thankfully not HIV. Back in those days, they referred the bundled package of STD’s infecting the poop chute region as “gay bowel  syndrome”, which is such an obscene term. Thankfully, doctors don’t talk like that anymore because the term itself makes me want to kill myself. He told me that the best thing to do for my anal health was to quit sticking things up my anus.

I broke down and cried right there in the office. He wasn’t even supportive. In fact, he told me to quit being a sniveling bitch. He didn’t understand that I really enjoy sticking things up my asshole–particularly other men’s penises. And I have no choice at all whether I will continue to do it. I couldn’t stop even if I wanted to because homosexuality is NOT A CHOICE.

Then I asked him if he thought, in his expert opinion, that the bruising and bleeding around my asshole was a result of my favorite pastime, sodomy. He told me that it was pretty obvious that blunt trauma was to blame and that if I ever wanted my pooper to recover, I should quit violently abusing it for pleasure.

That’s how bad it was in those days. Seriously. Doctors actually recommended that gay men stop doing the things that put them at elevated risk of contracting every disease known to man. It would almost be like telling a smoker that if he wants to avoid lung cancer he should quit smoking. Or telling a boozer that if he wants to avoid cirrhosis of the liver he should give up drinking.It’s just backwards, ignorant thinking.

Wait, it’s not like that at all. Because no one–NO ONE–has the right to make me feel bad about my sex life. I do what I want and everyone has to affirm me, even my doctor.

I sure am glad that Dr. Bucher isn’t such a neanderthal. Nowhere in the article does he recommend discontinuing sodomy as a means of preventing anal cancer. I think that’s because the good doctor is himself a homosexual. He takes it in the ass just like me. So his expert advice tends to be pretty straightforward.

Just keep engaging in high risk behavior and then get checked, m’kay?

Thank goodness he’s not so backwards as to assert that people shouldn’t use their assholes as a two way street if they don’t want to get icky diseases and stuff. He wants you to be serious about anal health, but NOT TOO SERIOUS!

“Take charge of your anal health. Ask for your DARE exam and your anal Pap smear!

Yup. And by all means, continue to take it up the ass, if that’s what floats your boat. Just make sure you make an appointment with Dr. Bucher once a year so he can stick his finger up there and probe around for pre-cancerous lesions.

Dr. Gary Bucher. He

Dr. Bucher’s website (http://www.analdysplasiaclinic.com/) breaks down the cold, hard facts on the subject. here they are:

135 out of every 100,000 HIV+ MSM will develop anal cancer

The risk in the general population is 0.9 per 100,000

Ah ha! So the risk of anal cancer among HIV+ MSM is one hundred and seventy-two times higher than the rate for the general population. And the general population includes other HIV+ MSM, other MSM, and women who also take it in the poopchute. It kind of makes me wonder what the risk is in comparison to people who don’t use their assholes for sexual pleasure. Probably pretty high.

But, please–by all means, keep on keeping on! Don’t let a little thing like anal health get in the way of your anal health. I mean, don’t let it get in the way of your pleasure.

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Even a broken clock like Rick Santorum is right twice a day. Senate greenlights bestiality.

If you missed this week’s press conference at the White House, you probably haven’t heard about the ridiculous question World Nut Daily reporter  Lester Kinsolving posed to press secretary Jay Carney. He actually asked what the president’s position is on bestiality! Oh for crying out loud, what a doofus. I can’t believe World Nut Daily reporters even get press credentials at the White House.

But alas, they do. Kinsolving was referring to the recent vote in the US Senate to abolish Article 125 of the Uniform Code of Military Justice (UCMJ). The article prohibits sodomy in the military, as well as sexual relations with animals. Presumably, repealing the whole article would have the effect of legalizing both behaviors in the US military.

“(a) Any person subject to this chapter who engages in unnatural carnal copulation with another person of the same or opposite sex or with an animal is guilty of sodomy. Penetration, however slight, is sufficient to complete the offense.

(b) Any person found guilty of sodomy shall by punished as a court-martial may direct.”

To Carney’s credit, he refused to entertain the ridiculous question, preferring to dismiss it off the cuff. Of course the commander-in-chief opposes bestiality in the armed forces. That’s why he plans on signing the bill just as soon as it hits his desk.

Okay, okay–so the Senate just voted 93-7 to abolish the article. But that doesn’t mean it would be legal to boff your poodle. That would still be punishable under other articles. Presumably, however, my favorite activity–sodomy–will not continue to be punishable under other articles. By abolishing the article that specifically prohibits sodomy in the armed forces, we are legalizing butt sex in the barracks. But by abolishing the article that specifically prohibits barnyard play, we are not legalizing it. Not sure why, we just aren’t.

Ho hum. Okay, so that explanation doesn’t work. How about this? I’m sure that the Congress will fix it at a later date. This whole thing is a mistake that will be straightened out eventually. Kind of like how two persons who are closely related by blood can get married in my state, just as long as the marriage is homosexual. Seven years after gay marriage came to the Bay State and brother/brother marriage remains legal. They’re still getting around to fixing it. State legislators are very busy people, you know.

Every time I watch this video, I imagine that horrible bigot Rick Santorum sitting at home, rubbing his hands together in glee. I bet he thinks he was right about the whole “man-dog” thing, which is just silly. As he famously remarked in 2003:

“In every society, the definition of marriage has not ever to my knowledge included homosexuality. That’s not to pick on homosexuality. It’s not, you know, man on child, man on dog, or whatever the case may be. “

Can you believe that? It’s one of those ridiculous slippery slope arguments. If we redefine marriage, there will no end to it. Next thing you know, we’ll have man-on-dog sex in the barracks! Ha! So stupid. Well, I mean it would be stupid if it weren’t for the fact that the US Senate just voted to legalize it. But I’m sure it won’t pass the House, and if it does, I’m sure the president will veto it. Even so, Santorum was technically wrong–sex with animals will now be permitted, but the full benefits of marriage are still an elusive dream from soldiers who love their house pets. I guess that’s tomorrow’s civil rights battle.

Yeah, I bet he smuggles cock on the side. They're all repressed homos. It would help though if the vandal would learn how to spell simple five letter words, such as "needs".

I remember the infamous Santorum “man/dog” interview. I was so offended that he would compare loving sodomy with my husband Michael (and a few score other casual partners) to something as repulsive as bestiality. There’s a HUGE difference between the two. In the case of homosexuality, the sex is consensual. It’s just two consenting adults gettin’ it on in the privacy of their home. But an animal can’t consent, and so it’s actually a form of rape.

Wait a second, did I just say that homosexuality involves consent? I slipped up there. There’s nothing consensual about two men sodomizing each other, because if there were, that would mean that there’s a choice involved. And as we all know, homosexuality is NOT a choice. If it were a choice, who would choose it? Nobody. So let’s just abandon the silly notion that we choose our sexual practices and partners. I know that I sure don’t.

And while I acknowledge that animals don’t consent to sex with humans, it’s also true that they don’t consent to being killed and stuck on our dinner plates either.  They probably don’t consent to having sex with each other, considering the fact that most non-human forms of life don’t possess the faculties to make rational decisions. They act on instinct.

The truth is that we consistently treat animals as lower forms of life. Humans do what we please with them, even without their “consent”. That’s why we find it acceptable to kill animals for food or sport, to do grotesque experiments on them for the advancement of medical research, to skin them and use their hides to make wallets and belts, as well as to place wagers on them and watch them race around tracks. We employ them to serve as guides for the blind, and to entertain us at the circus and SeaWorld. We do all of these things to animals without their consent, and we don’t give a shit. Because they’re friggin’ animals, that’s why.  No one cares about the consent of animals.

Except we don’t usually have sex with them. Because that’s gross.

Even so, just being “gross” isn’t reason enough to ban a person’s behavior. Some people think that it’s gross when I open my asscheeks to other men. Some might say it’s gross when all of that ‘Santorum” comes dripping out after the fact. For those of you not “in the know”, Santorum is a mix of fecal matter, lube, and jizz that sometimes seeps from a person’s asshole after anal sex. Kind of a little bit gross, I suppose.

The dilemma I face here is that I have to think of a reason why bestiality is wrong on a rational basis. I can’t just say that it’s wrong because it’s disgusting, immoral, unnatural, or against some religious doctrine of mine. Because then I wouldn’t be able to dismiss those arguments against me as mere prejudice. I need to think of a reason why my objection to man/dog sex is based in reason, while the homophobes’ objection is simply overbearing religiosity. What we came up with is the old “animals can’t consent” canard, which really isn’t all that believable.

The more I think about it, the more I see that this prohibition against bestiality has got to go. With a few simple questions, I can determine whether or not bestiality enthusiasts “choose” their lifestyle or not. I’m leaning towards no.

First of all, if bestiality were a choice, who in their right mind would choose it, knowing that society would shun and hate them? Does someone reach a certain age and just decide ‘Hey, I want to be known as the neighborhood animal fucker?’ Who would choose it knowing that their old, religious, intolerant mother would cry herself to sleep every night knowing that her child is a perv? Who would choose to be at the bottom of the social stratum, denied equal protection under the law? Any takers? I thought not. So it can’t be a choice.

Second, if sexual attraction to another species is a choice, it naturally follows that sexual attraction to the same species is a choice. I ask myself, when did I choose to be attracted to homo sapiens? Hmmm? Well, I didn’t. It’s just part of my DNA code, the same way sodomy is part of the code. (I’ll find the gene later, m’kay?) So zoophilia (attraction to animals) is obviously not a choice, since androphilia (attraction to human beings) isn’t either. It’s science! There’s no way you can argue with that.

Third, I must say that I would fail Dan Savage’s “choicer” challenge. The pushy, annoying fag coined the term “choicer” in an obvious allusion to “birther” and “truther”. Because if you think that homosexuality is a choice, that means you’re as crazy as the people who think Obama was born in Kenya or that the Moussad pulled off 9/11.

You’re. that. fucking. crazy.

If you think I "choose" to open my asscheeks to other men, you're as crazy as this guy. For reals. There is no choice involved in my consensual behavior.

Dan Savage was a little perturbed when Canadian MP John Cummins mentioned on the radio that homosexuality is a “choice”. Enraged as always, Dan devised the ultimate test that would determine whether or not guzzling cum is a choice.  He threw the gauntlet down at Cummins’ feet.

But what if the choicers are right? What if being gay is something people consciously choose? Gee, if only there were a way for choicers to prove that they’re right and everyone else is wrong… actually, there is a way for choicers to prove that they’re right! I hereby publicly invite—I publicly challenge—John Cummins to prove that being gay is a choice by choosing it himself.

Suck my dick, John.

I’m completely serious about this, John. You’re not my type—you’re about as far from my type as a human being without a vagina gets—but I have just as much interest as you do in seeing this gay-is-a-choice argument resolved once and for all. You name the time and the place, John, and I’ll show up with my dick and a camera crew. Then you can show the world how it’s done. You can demonstrate how this “conscious choice” is made. You can flip the switch, John, make the choice, then sink to your bony old knees and suck my dick. And after you’ve swallowed my load, John, we’ll upload the video to the internet and you’ll be a hero to other choicers everywhere. It’s time to put your mouth where your mouth is, John. If being gay is a choice, choose it. Show us how it’s done. Suck my dick.

Ha! Ha! Savage sure showed him. Of course, the cowardly Cummins chose not to take him up on the offer, thus proving that sucking Dan’s dick never really was a choice. See how that works? If you choose not to engage in a behavior, you inadvertently prove that the behavior is not a choice.

Savage later offered the same choicer challenge to Herman Cain. Cain too declined to suck Savage’s cock, thus failing the choicer challenge. Bitch.

The legendary Dan Savage. He's a genius. I love his choicer challenge.

Now, let’s say a bestiality enthusiast devised a similar “choicer” challenge. You know, he could bring in his prized thoroughbred horse and part-time lover, then offer me the opportunity to get down on my knees and suck it. If I failed to go through with it, that would be proof enough that sucking horsecock isn’t really a choice at all. If it were, I could choose it.

I can say with 99% certainty that I would fail a bestiality “choicer” challenge. I say “99%” because there’s always that lingering doubt in the back of my head that I might be able to get hip to it. But I probably wouldn’t, because sex with animals is not really a choice at all.

The more I think about it, the more I see that zoophiles are kind of like gay people. And gay people are, as we’ve already proven beyond a shadow of a doubt, kind of like black people, left-handed people, and redheads. Yeah. Makes sense to me!

So let’s not let the H8ers write the laws in this country. I’m glad Article 125 is being abolished, most of all because I am a sodomy enthusiast, but also because I can see that it unfairly targeted animal lovers. They have civil rights too, you know.

I’d bet that silly World Nut Daily reporter even harbors a secret love for the animal kingdom. He and all the other uptight anti-bestiality people are all a bunch of closet cases. The ones who scream the loudest always end up getting caught later on sneaking around with an Irish setter. Seriously, who spend their time worrying about this stuff other than a repressed animal lover?

Fwank blazed trails for LGBTQXYZ members of Congress

Sad news swept the lavender side of the blogosphere this week after Bawney Fwank–America’s only left-handed, gay, Jewish congressman–announced that he will not seek reelection. After sixteen terms, the affable representative from Newton is calling it quits, citing drastic geographical changes to his district as the reason.

Bawney playing grab ass on the campaign trail. Hot!

Fwank was one of the nation’s first openly gay congressmen, and as such he spent most of his career under siege by the forces of intolerance.  I chronicled some of his “scandals” in a previous post, so I’ll just briefly summarize them here. Let’s just say that his boyfriends keep getting him in trouble.

https://twogaybullies.wordpress.com/2011/07/19/this-day-in-lgbtqxyz-history-july-20th/

1.  Rep. Fwank sought out male prostitute Steven Gobie in the pages of DC’s most famous gay newspaper, The Washington Blade. He paid the male prostitute eighty dollars for sex, then had Gobie move in with him because he felt a lot of sympathy for the troubled gigolo, and certainly not because he wanted a younger man with a “hot bottom” to service him after long days on Capitol Hill.  As it turns out, Gobie continued to run his prostitution ring out of Bawney’s apartment, completely unbeknownst to Mr. Fwank! He was blindsided when he learned that his apartment was being used as a homosexual brothel. The lying, ungrateful Steven Gobie insists that Bawney knew everything, which is just silly.

“He knew exactly what I was doing.  It was pretty obvious.  If he had to come home early [from work], he would call home to be sure the coast was clear . . . . He was living vicariously through me. He said it was kind of a thrill, and if he had been 20 years younger he might be doing the same thing.”

2. Congressman Fwank later wrote letters on Gobie’s behalf to the help him get out of a slew of parking tickets. He used his official letterhead to testify to Gobie’s good character. He also wrote to the Virginia probation authorities, asking them to take it easy on his boyfriend. Gobie had been found guilty of possession of cocaine, oral sodomy in public, and production of obscene material involving a minor. Big whoop. So he snorts coke, sucks cock in public places, and makes kiddie porn as a hobby. That describes half the gay men I know.

3. And besides all of that, Fwank oversaw the Fannie and Freddie crisis, which was all George Bush’s fault. And Tom DeLay’s. Besides the fact that he had appointed his boyfriend, Herb Moses, to oversee the corporation and then blocked any effort to investigate the clusterfuck of epic proportions, Fwank got to write the financial reform bill that fixed the situation. Everything’s fixed now, m’kay? You can thank him later.

By my count, there have been twelve openly gay members of Congress. Some of them only became open about it when they were caught piddling the pages or whatever, but hey I’m just glad that they’re out. I know what it’s like to live a lie. No one should have to do it. Let’s take a look at some prominent cock-smugglers on Capitol Hill.

Rep. Robert Bauman (R-Maryland)

Robert Bauman

Bob Bauman was a conservative Republican who was caught soliciting sex from a sixteen year old male prostitute in 1980. Shame on him! Not for soliciting sex from a sixteen year old male prostitute, of course. Who hasn’t done that? Shame on him for being a conservative Republican. He’s a HYPOCRITE and that’s the worst thing you can possibly be.  There is nothing wrong with soliciting sex from sixteen year old male prostitutes. There’s something wrong with speaking out against “immorality”.

He later copped to being an alcoholic and went to court-ordered treatment for his addiction. So apparently he  checked into rehab just to get out of trouble, which everybody seems to be doing these days. After he completed his course on alcoholism, he was let go without any punishment but unfortunately lost the 1980 election. Oddly enough, the homophobic voters of his district didn’t like a peter puffer representing them in congress, or at least not a peter puffer who paid children for sex.

Robert Bauman letter wrote a non-fiction book, “The Gentleman from Maryland: The Conscience of a Gay Conservative”.

Sen. Larry Craig (R-Idaho)

Larry Craig

Craig denies to this day that he’s a cum guzzler but no one in their right mind believes him. As you may remember, Craig was arrested in men’s bathroom at the Minneapolis-St. Paul airport by an undercover vice detective, Sgt. Dave Karsnia, who had no idea at the time that the guy who fell into his trap was a US Senator. The spot was well known for cruising–that is, homosexual men knew that this was the place to go for some anonymous sex in the stall. The detective had only been sitting in the stall for thirteen minutes when along came Craig who, according to Karsnia, started creeping around, attempting to gaze into the crack of the door. He then chose the stall to the detective’s left. The detective’s police report describes the incident:

“At 1216 hours, Craig tapped his right foot. I recognized this as a signal used by persons wishing to engage in lewd conduct. Craig tapped his toes several times and moves his foot closer to my foot. … The presence of others did not seem to deter Craig as he moved his right foot so that it touched the side of my left foot which was within my stall area. Craig then proceeded to swipe his left hand under the stall divider several times, with the palm of his hand facing upward.”

Ha! He knows all the signals. Sounds like he’s done this before. I know a few spots on the Cape where Mr. Craig would have a ball.

So then the cop flashed his badge under the stall. He ordered Craig out of the men’s room and had him arrested. Craig initially declined to cooperate, asking again to see the detective’s badge. After his arrest, Craig presented the detective with a business card identifying himself as a US Senator as some kind of get out of jail free card. Craig said that he was worried about missing his flight.

Of course, Senator Craig has vehemently denied that he’s gay or that he cruises for sexual trysts in the bathrooms of airports. He’s not into that, supposedly. Unfortunately for the senator, other men keep coming forward and confessing to sexual encounters with him. One man recalls giving Craig a hummer in a bathroom stall at Washington’s Union Station. Another man claims that Craig tried the old waving-the-hand-under-the-stall trick with him at the Denver airport.

Eight gay men later came forward and claimed to have had sex with Craig or been propositioned by Craig. One of them, Mike Jones, was a male prostitute–the same male prostitute who got Ted Haggard in so much trouble. Mr. Jones claims that Senator Craig paid him for his services. Another was a College Republican at a gathering of Republicans in Coeur D’Alene when he met Craig in 1981. He says that Craig propositioned him.

Oddly enough, Senator Craig was also a congressman when the Congressional page scandal broke in 1982. Although no one had accused Craig of any monkey business with the pages, his office issued a denial. Kind of like a guilty conscience.

It wasn’t me! I didn’t do it!

Rep. Mark Foley (R-Florida)

Mark Foley

We first learned of Foley’s sexual orientation after it was discovered that he was writing illicit emails and instant messages to congressional pages. Oddly enough, he resigned over the whole scandal, then came out of the closet.

I must say, I was perplexed about the whole thing for days. My own congressman, Rep. Gerry Studds was caught plying the male pages with booze and then buttfucking them and he didn’t step down. Hell no. He stuck it out for another six terms! The people of our district resoundingly voted for him time and time again. So why would a congressman resign over such a small peccadillo as dirty IM’s to sixteen year old boys?

And then it came to me–he’s a Republican! I was immediately up in arms over the whole thing. This Foley character is a sick-o! Now, granted Foley wasn’t the most conservative of all Republicans. He was pro-choice, he voted against an amendment that would have narrowly defined marriage as between one man and one woman, he voted for gay adoptions in Washington, DC, and he was endorsed by the Log Cabin Republicans. But he still had an “R” after his name.

In one message, Foley asked the page how long his penis was. When he said it was seven and a half inches, Foley responded:

“Get a ruler and measure it for me.”

After resigning, he returned to Florida, divorced his wife, and took a male lover. Again, I’m perplexed. This guy can’t really be gay because he’s a pedophile and pedophiles are definitely not gay. But then I realized that he only sent dirty IM’s to children while he was in the District of Columbia, and the age of consent in DC is sixteen, which makes the pages fair game for anal sex and propositions thereto. In Florida, he never touches the boys because the age of consent in Florida is eighteen, not sixteen. He never even feels attracted to sixteen year old boys when he’s in Florida, only when he’s in DC. So he’s a gay man there too. Heaven knows that gay men never sink their schlongs into anything under the legal age. If they did, they’re automatically kicked out of the gay club.

Rep. Jon Hinson (R-Mississippi)

Jon Hinson

Jon Hinson was first arrested before he was a congressman at Arlington National Cemetery for committing an obscene act. The whole thing was much ado about nothing. All he did was flash an undercover cop at the Iwo Jima Memorial.  He’s a dickwaiver, so what? Obviously, he was just being himself. I bet he was just born that way. After all, if being a dickwaver was a choice, who in their right mind would choose it? No one. Exactly. So it’s not a choice. When he pulled out his dick at a sacred memorial and waved it at an undercover police officer he was being true to himself. He later blamed it on alcoholism, which seems to be the catch-all excuse for all sorts of perversions. Good for him.

Hinson managed to keep his arrest a secret while running for office in Mississippi, which as we all know, is a very backwards state so steeped in Christian intolerance that it would never elect a sexual deviant to Congress.  Being a dickwaiver is perilous enough, but being a homosexual dickwaiver is even worse. It must be hard living in such a restrictive environment.

Congressman Hinson’s political career came crashing down in 1981 when he was caught in the men’s room with a male librarian from the Library of Congress. Yeah, he was gargling balls. Well, I can’t say for sure who was gargling whose balls, but it sounds like a lot of fun. Hook-ups in the men’s bathrooms are pretty common in the gay subculture. Just take a ride around Provincetown and drop by the public men’s washrooms. I guarantee you’ll find glory holes in half the stalls! I should know, I drilled a good number of them. Seriously though, visit any gay website and you’ll find message boards that post details of when and where to go if you’d like some anonymous bathroom stall blowjobs. Hinson just happened to very knowledgeable  about the bathroom stall scene on capitol hill.

Hinson later became a gay rights warrior, fighting for homos in the military. We know how much he respects and honors the military. That’s why he chose a veterans’ memorial to expose himself. I’m glad Hinson was on our side because he’s exactly the type of guy we need in the movement–a dick-waiving former congressman who resigned after hooking up with another dude in a Capitol Hill men’s room.

Oh yeah, and he died of AIDS. I wonder how he contracted that?

Rep. Jim Kolbe (R-Arizona)

Jim Kolbe

Kolbe’s only crime is copious concern for the youngsters on the House floor. Yes, Congressman Kolby adores congressional pages, the male ones in particular. And for that, he was shamed into retirement.

The Arizona congressman is known to have taken a personal interest in the pages, mentoring them, and even throwing parties for them at his Washington home. Supervisors of the page program described Rep. Kolbe as a “problem member” because he spent an inordinate amount of time with pages, taking them to dinner and sporting events during their off time. Another “problem member” was Kolbe’s friend, Mark Foley. Kolbe also extended to some of the pages a standing invitation to stay overnight in his home if they were ever in the Washington area. He really cares about kids, okay?

A former page who spoke on condition of anonymity complained to the House ethics committee that he was “uncomfortable with a particular social encounter” that happened while they were alone and involved physical contact. Kolbe denied wrongdoing.

Kolbe may best be remembered for his camping trips he took with his staff and pages. On one such trip down the Grand Canyon in 1996, Kolbe appeared to be showering one seventeen year old former page with attention. One participant said he was “creeped out by it” [Foley’s attention to the former page]. He also said that there was  “fawning, petting and touching” on the teenager’s arms, shoulders and back by Kolbe.

But don’t worry! The lucky kid in question–the object of the congressman’s petting–said that he had “a blast” on the trip. I would have had a blast too! I can only imagine how exciting it must be for a young man to spend a whole week in the wilderness with an older gay man who keeps touching him. I bet Kolbe even visited the boy in his tent. Just innocent fun, of course. The page in question didn’t elaborate much on that.

“I don’t want to get into the details. I just don’t want to get into this… because I might possibly be considered for a job in the administration.”

I know Kolbe didn’t do anything inappropriate while he was on a camping trip because Kolbe is gay. But if this guy Kolbe was piddling a seventeen year old on a camping trip in Arizona, that would be child molesting because Arizonans are a bunch of prudes and they set their age of consent at eighteen. Considering the fact that Kolbe is gay, and certainly not a child molester, it would be a physical impossibility for him to get off on boning a seventeen year old. At least in Arizona.

Kolbe was later accused of knowing all about his good friend Mark Foley’s indecent instant messaging as far back as 2000. Kolbe claims that he reported the messages and then left it alone, satisfied that it had been resolved. And I believe him. Sadly, he resigned at the same time as Foley.

Rep. Gerry Studds (D-Massachusetts)

Gerry Studds

I am pleased to say that this gentleman was my congressman for many years. I voted for him every time I saw his name on the ballot and I displayed his campaign sign on my lawn proudly. I think I may have had a hook-up with him in the sand dunes down by the beach, although it may have been a guy who just happened to look a lot like Studds. I look back fondly on that memory, hoping against hope that it really was Studds.

Gerry Studds is best known for being a gay rights warrior. But besides that, he’s best known for bringing male congressional pages back to his home, getting them drunk on vodka and cranberry juice, and then buttfucking them until his heart’s content. But don’t worry–it was all totally consensual. You see, the age of consent in DC–as well as in Massachusetts–is sixteen. The pages he was bending over were all at least sixteen, so everything’s okay. The fact that he was an authority figure in their lives has no relevance, nor does the fact that he purposely clouded their judgement with alcohol. The boys all said they had a great time with Uncle Gerry and everything was consensual.

As I always say–what two consenting adults do in their bedroom is their business. Or, you know, a consenting adult and a minor who happens to be over sixteen and also happens to be drunk in the presence of an adult authority figure. It’s all cool.

Studds never faced any penalty for his activities with the pages, other than censure by the House of Representatives. At the time that his censure was being read aloud in the house chamber, Studds turned his back on the proceedings in a symbolic gesture. The message was clear–this whole thing is a kangaroo court.

And it was! All he did was have sex with some of the male pages. Big deal. And then these right-wing Christianofascist homophobes had to go make a federal case about it. Geez. Can the man have some privacy or what?

Studds ended up coming out of this whole thing smelling like a rose. Not only did he refuse to resign, he continued his career in politics. Studds was reelected six times after the revelation that he was a child predator! That’s right, we don’t care about stuff like that here in P-Town. Feel free to boff the pages if you want, just as long as you vote for marriage equality and gays in the military and stuff like that.

There is now a marine sanctuary named after Gerry Studds off the coast of Massachusetts. I sometimes look out at that stretch of water and think nostalgically about ol’ Gerry and his fondness for boys. I think about my missed opportunity to be a page on his staff. Oh what fun it would have been! We miss you, Gerry.

As you can see, Bawney Fwank really paved the way for homos in congress. And there’s so much to be proud of too-dick-waiving, sex acts in public restrooms, underage sex, gay prostitution. It’s all there! We owe you a debt of gratitude, Mr. Fwank.

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