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Noted blogger and celebrity jock-sniffer Perez Hilton (ne Mario Lavandeira, Jr) released an anti-bullying children’s book this month entitled “The Boy with the Pink Hair”. Hilton says that he is the “perfect person to write a children’s book” because:

“I’m somebody who made mistakes in the past, acknowledged them, and has taken steps to no longer do that and I think that’s a great message for children. In the past I was definitely meaner, nasty, give people unpleasant nicknames, draw lots of nice things on photos. But then, last year there were all these gay teenagers who were committing suicide… A lot of people were calling me a hypocrite and a bully myself. That’s not who I am in my heart.”

I happen to agree that he’s a great person to write such a book. Not because he was once an asshole and now he’s not, but because he’s a cum-guzzler with an ax to grind just like me.

Perez with his new book. I'm glad that Barnes & Noble is allowing him to push the homosexual agenda to children. We can ALWAYS count on Corporate America.

Gay people are obsessed with children. I know I am. That’s why I became a guidance counselor–because I wanted to form the attitudes of the next generation, and hopefully their sexuality too. Not that you can “recruit” children into the gay lifestyle, as these paranoid Christofascists seem to think. Believe me, I’ve tried and had very limited success. Unfortunately, there are some mean ol’ conservative H8ers who don’t like me to teach their children about sexuality, much less to impart upon them value judgments about sexuality. But those people are BIGOTS and we need to indoctrinate their children against their will.

Fortunately, half of the faculty at my school is LGBTQXYZ in nature, so there’s just no escaping the homosexual propaganda in every classroom. Each morning we say the pledge of allegiance…to the rainbow flag! Ha! Ha! Even the straight people are in on it because we’ve already fired all of the teachers who don’t want to participate in the gay public relations campaign. Some gay kid in Ohio killed himself so we just blamed it all on them and told them that he’d still be alive today if it weren’t for bigoted teachers.

Our agenda is weaved into every subject. We have LGBTQXYZ history (Did you know that Lincoln was GAY?!), LGBTQXYZ health classes (now make sure you wash your hands before and after fisting), LGBTQXYZ science classes (some people are born with a gay gene–haven’t found it yet, but we will!). We even have LGBTQXYZ themed word problems in the math classes–if Billy and Joey have six fluid ounces of Fire & Ice butt lube…oh wait, never mind.

We have to get the children while they’re young. That’s why one elementary school administrator in my state said:

“The goal is to reach kids before they absorb their parents’ values. By middle school it’s too late.”

I agree. So it’s best to start when they’re still playing with GI Joe’s and stuff.  Otherwise, their parents might have a say in forming their concept of morality, and we can’t allow that because then some people might raise their children to believe the wrong things. Ergo, this kind of moral formation must be the sole domain of the government and must be conducted by homosexual activists like me. Now do you see why I became a guidance counselor?

Our campaign to teach the next generation of children about something that their parents object to has been wildly successful. That’s why we should keep it up. In the mean time, we should just keep threatening our opponents that they should change sides because they should be “on the right side of history.”

We’re going to teach your children and grandchildren to hate you. And you don’t want to be hated…do you?

Sean Penn hit the nail on the head in his Oscar acceptance speech for the awesome movie “Milk” that won a whole bunch of awards even though nobody went to see it. It grossed barely $58 million. Over the course of its opening week, it was the 18th most watched movie in America. Even “Mall Cop” trounced “Milk” at the box office. My husband Michael and I went to see it and I think we were the only ones in the theater, which was fine because we like to engage in public sex acts.

Sean Penn at the Oscars. Your grandchildren will hate you if you oppose the gay agenda. So stop opposing it and you will be the hero.

Said Penn:

“I think it is a good time for those who voted for the ban against gay marriage to sit and reflect, and anticipate their great shame and the shame in their grandchildren’s eyes if they continue that way of support. We’ve got to have equal rights for everyone.”

Right on, Sean Penn!

Perez Hilton’s children’s book is entitled “The Boy With the Pink Hair”. The very first line  should give you an inkling 0f the not-so-subtle agenda contained therein–“He was born that way”.  Wink, wink, nudge, nudge. “Born that way” is our rallying cry, the message that we will never surrender. Think Lady Gaga. When you accept the fact that we’re just “born that way”, suddenly sexual behavior becomes something akin to race, height, or even…hair color? Yes, sodomy is kind of like being born with red hair and freckles. Or pink hair and freckles for that matter. And having a moral objection to two boys sodomizing each other is kind of like hating a ginger for having red hair. No, no, it’s worse! It’s kind of like lynching black people. It’s important to stress that any type of moral objection is actually disguised hate.

Any adult who reads it can tell that “pink hair” is really a stand-in for homosexual tendencies. Luckily, the target audience (six year olds) probably wouldn’t pick up on this, which is great. Stealth is always required when we’re trying to teach people things that we shouldn’t be.

The Boy with the Pink Hair is really nice kid. He doesn’t like the rough games the boys play, but instead enjoys cooking. So his parents build him a treehouse with a kitchen. But still, the boy feels alone and different. He dreams of a  “a school where everyone had different colored hair. All together, it looked like a rainbow.” And you know how much we like rainbows.

So it’s basically about being yourself. And by being yourself, he means being a homosexual, of course. If it feels good, do it.

I know that I secretly struggled with being different when I was a kid. I used to dream of being a girl, with ribbons in my hair and lacy white underwear. Wouldn’t it be great if I could try out for the cheerleading squad and date the captain of the football team? Well, the both the cheerleading squad and captain of the football team turned me down and I’ve been a moody little bitch like Perez Hilton ever since . I think that’s why I’ve spent my entire life trying to substitute my asshole for a vagina.  Anyway, my wish has gone unfulfilled–I’m still not a girl. And I’m very upset about it.

Did you know that Perez Hilton was once the victim of bullying? Yes, it’s true. He was in Toronto for the 2009 MuchMusic Video Awards.  He bumped into Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas who wanted to know why he was talking trash about her band on his website. Later, he was confronted by BEP frontman, Will.i.am, who got in his face.

Perez shows off his black eye. Wait a second...does he have pink hair? Why yes, he does.

At some point in the scuffle, Perez dropped the F-bomb on Will.i.am. Yes, he called him a faggot. Faggot is such a terrible word. It’s so terrible that we need to amend the Constitution of the United States to prohibit other people’s free speech if they feel like using that word. Every time someone utters it, a gay kid somewhere in the Heartland kills himself. Even if you said it all by yourself in the privacy of your living room while no one was around, some gay kid would still slit his wrists and it would be all. your. fault.

But this was different. It’s kind of the same way African-Americans can use the N-word. It’s different when they do it. Well, Perez has a license to use that word because he’s a gay man just like me. So obviously, it’s okay.

At was at this point that Will.i.am’s manager Polo hauled off and punched Perez Hilton in the face. Yes, he got a black eye from the manager of the Black Eyed Peas. OMG! The horror! Polo punched Perez in his bitchy little face and then Perez cried about it. It really reminds me of my childhood when that happened quite a bit. Except when it happened to me it was usually because I was creeping around the boy’s locker room trying to catch a glimpse of some of the guys’ dongs. Then I got beat up and had my head stuffed in the toilet for a nice swirly.

Anyway, here’s Perez recalling what happened that day. It still brings him to tears:

So it’s fitting that Perez Hilton would write a book about a pink-haired kid who get bullied. Because Perez is also a pink-haired kid who’s been bullied in the past. He’s also been known to bully Christian beauty queens himself, but that’s okay because they’re scum.

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