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As we approach the final demise of the military’s “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” (DADT) policy, there is much reason to celebrate. Personally, I wish the policy hadn’t existed when I was a young chap because I was truly compelled out of a strong sense of patriotism to enlist in the United States Navy. Also, I heard about the se(a)men they have and about the pants that zip in the back. But the mean military people wouldn’t let me.

With boys like this, who wouldn't want to join the military? Seriously, though...is it too late?

Well, that’s not exactly true. Actually, I could have joined the military if I had been prepared to simply keep my mouth shut about my sexual activity, but I wasn’t willing to do that. I really wanted to be an “out and proud” in-your-face activist working within the military to further my own personal agenda rather than the mission.  I liked to think of myself as a patriot, but the truth was I wasn’t patriotic enough to do my duty if it meant that I couldn’t also be a “change agent” at the same time. Turned out I was a lot more gay than I was patriotic. After I told my recruiter about my dilemma and complimented him a few times on how his ass looked in that uniform, he told me to get lost.

It was really a sad day for equal rights.

Fortunately, the policy has since been reversed. DADT will officially bite the dust this September 20th. From that day forward, homosexuals can be just as gay as they want to be and nobody better say a word about it or they will be disciplined.

It’s called mutual respect. You know–just the same way we show respect to people of faith when we harass, intimidate, and blacklist them, when we joke about their “magic underwear”, when we tell them that their God hates them and they’re going to hell for being bigots, when we misrepresent their beliefs, when we accuse them of all being a bunch of child molesters, KKK members, and Nazis. Now that’s respect.

I fully expect de facto and de jure special treatment to follow the repeal. It’s only fair–women and minorities get it, and so should pillow-biters. We’re oppressed, and now you owe us.

A new military-themed LGBTQXYZ magazine will appear on PX shelves starting on the very day of the repeal. It’s called “OutServe”. It’s been in existence for several months now, though the military has declined to sell it on base. I bought a copy of it because I want to keep abreast of the challenges that gay military personnel face on a daily basis. Just kidding! I was looking for thinly veiled male prostitute advertisements tucked away in the “personals” section. You know how I like my military boys. (Unfortunately, I didn’t find any.)

OutServe: the new magazine for the LGBTQXYZ military community to sound off about their sexuality as loudly as possible.

The first issue to hit the PX shelves will list the names of over a hundred LGBTQXYZ active duty military members. Rumor has it that ninety-nine of them are  Navy boys and one is a military intelligence analyst who is currently sitting in the brig for betraying his country to a creepy lo0king Australian after having a spat with his drag queen boyfriend.

I’m really glad that gays and lesbians can now be “out”. Because “outness” is what we really wanted. Now, don’t get me wrong–my sexuality is still a very private matter, and that’s what I tell anyone who disapproves of my sodomy.

Mind your own damned business, will you? What does it matter to you what I do in the privacy of my bedroom?

And when you think about it, it makes perfect sense that a personal, private matter like sexuality should be shared with the entire world on the glossy pages of a magazine. I do much the same thing with other private matters.

For example, I had some bad hemorrhoids a few weeks back. Kind of embarassing, certainly a private matter. And the first thing I did was send out a press release to my local newspaper. LOCAL GAY MAN SUFFERS FROM A REALLY BAD CASE OF ‘RHOIDS. Everyone knows that personal matters are always declared as loudly and boldly as possible, preferably in print. After that, I went out and marched in a hemorrhoid pride parade. Yep, they really exist. Even though my hemorrhoids were a private matter, I really felt like walking down Main Street and shouting to everyone I saw that I have hemorrhoids. Then I went out and slapped a bumper sticker on my car that said, ‘I have hemorrhoids and I VOTE’. I delved into the hemorrhoid positive side of the blogosphere.  I have since joined a professional organization for hemorrhoid sufferers. I’m a guidance counselor, so I joined the National Organization of Guidance Counselors Suffering from Hemorrhoids (NOGCSFH).

Okay, so I can’t tell a lie this big with a straight face. The truth is that we homosexuals have never wanted to be left alone, we have never wanted our private lives to remain private. If that’s all we had wanted, we would have been totally satisfied with the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy. After all, we wouldn’t want anyone to ask us about such a personal matter, and we certainly wouldn’t want to tell anyone about such a personal matter either.

Prior to the 1993 policy change, the military did ask and service members were expected to tell. Right there on the enlistment forms, all recruits were asked if they were homosexuals. I know a guy who joined the Marines prior to DADT and he tells me that when he arrived at Parris Island the D.I.’s asked him over and over again the same question in a hundred different ways–“Are you a peter-puffer? Do you suck dick?”

Gunnery Sergeant Hartmann (R. Lee Ermy): "Are you a peter-puffer? Do you suck dick?" "Sir! No, sir!" "Bullshit! I bet you could suck a golf ball through a garden hose!"

But after 1993, they stopped asking. And we still weren’t satisfied because keeping our sexuality private was NEVER our goal. To the contrary! Being a loud and proud queer is exactly what we wanted, and we wanted to do it within the United States military. For more on loud and proud queers, just type Lieutenant (sic) Dan Choi  into any search engine.

DADT was simply a stepping stone toward our actual goal. You see, some gay genius came up with a spectacular slogan that has worked like gangbusters to change public opinion on the topic of butt-stabbing. You may have heard it. It goes: “What two consenting adults do in the privacy of their bedroom is no one else’s business.”

It appealed to the libertarian side of the American center. It happened to be bullshit, but it was highly affective bullshit, so we ran with it. The slogan had the affect of portraying our opponents as the aggressors. We just want to be left alone in the privacy our own bedrooms, but these people want to break down our doors to find out what we’re doing in here.

Despite the fact that we were making aggressive thrusts into their sphere, we made it look as if the opposite were true. And then we repeated this slogan over and over again, whenever gayness was at issue. We cited the old “privacy of their bedroom” argument when talking about gay marriage, as if people get married in their bedrooms. No, a marriage contract is a public recognition of a relationship. We want an official marriage certificate from the state precisely because we want to get the government involved in our amorous relationships. If we wanted them to stay out of it, we’d never want to get married! We’d just shack up and go about our lives.

These two women just want people to butt out what they do as two consenting adults in the privacy of their own bedroom. That's why they're making out in the middle of the street while representing the Navy on their t-shirts. Why people have to pry into their sex lives, I don't know.

And now here we are in 2011. The private bedroom behavior of consenting (military) adults is no longer private. It’s proclaimed boldly in the pages of OutServe. Now that’s what I call progress!

Hey, did you hear that Sergeant Jones takes it in the poopchute? Yeah, I read it in this magazine. Shhh! I don’t think he wants anyone to know. He’s a very private person and besides, it doesn’t even matter.

And thus, it begins. Give it time, and we’ll have gay pride marches and gay bars on military bases, special services for gay veterans, special recruiting materials just to get gays to enlist. We’ll force military personnel to march in gay parades just the same way we’ve already forced firemen in San Diego and Providence to do the same thing. We’ll have gay affirmative action programs like we have here in the Massachusetts state government. We’ll require all of the services to have at least one LGBTQXYZ three star general/admiral by a certain date just the same way we did with women. And then we’ll require chaplains to perform gay marriages against their will. We’ll discipline soldiers of faith for holding opinions we don’t like.

Gayness will be ubiquitous kind of like it is on college campuses. Because anything less than ubiquitous homosexuality constitutes an intrusion into the private bedroom behavior of consenting adults.

We’re here, we’re queer, get used to it!

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