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It takes courage to stand up for marriage equality. Bribes help too.

Three cheers for New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg. He’s putting his checkbook where his mouth is, donating the maximum amount allowed under law ($10,300) to four Republican senators who voted “yes” on marriage equality.  Forbes.com lists Michael Bloomberg as the twenty-third richest billionaire in the world with a net worth of $18 billion. He’s only a few places behind the Waltons of the Wal-Mart fortune. Bloomberg could probably scrounge up ten grand from the couch cushions in his mansion.

Without these four senators, the bill would not have passed. The vote turned out 33-29, in favor of marriage equality. If those four senators had been on the other side, the vote would have been 29-33, in favor of discrimination against homosexuals. So it’s nice to know that Michael Bloomberg’s bribes secured our victory.  Just call him Mr. Moneybags.

http://www.nydailynews.com/news/politics/2011/07/14/2011-07-14_mike_rewards_4_gop_gaynups_backers.html?r=news/politics

Wait, did I say bribes? Well, let’s not make bribery sound like a bad thing in all situations. While the line between a bribe and a campaign donation is usually a thin one, there is usually a general rule of thumb that can be applied to tell the difference. A bribe is given quid pro quo. You vote the way I want on this bill and I’ll write you a check. You defy me and there will be no money for you. That’s the difference between a campaign donation and a bribe.

Mayor Michael Bloomberg makes the case for marriage equality. And when you can’t persuade with arguments, it helps to just buy people off. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Money has a very persuasive effect. Bloomberg is a good Jew. We like this Jew.

Mayor Bloomberg had to resort to bribery to acheive his ends. So what? Bribery for a good cause is no vice. When you understand that marriage inequality is akin to Jim Crow–again, just to make the ridiculous comparison between myself and black people one more time–bribery doesn’t seem like such a bad thing. What if a really rich New York liberal had written checks to Southern Democrats, in order to get them to switch sides? See, so bribery is okay when you occupy the position of absolute righteousness that we do. In fact, anything goes.

 
“The mayor said he would support Senate Republicans who stood up – and he did,” said top Bloomberg aide Micah Lasher. Bloomberg supported them with a cash donation in exchange for their votes. It was understood by all parties involved that the campaign donations came with one condition. And they all jumped on the deal like the political whores that they are. Good for them!
 

Rabbi Leiter of Jews for Decency walks and talks with Republican Senator James Alesi, one of the Republicans who flip-flopped on the issue after he smelled a campaign donation. Good thing he listened to the Jew with the big checkbook rather than the Jew with the beard and the silly hat. Money talks, bitches!

Senator James Alesi, for example, was against the bill right up until June 13th, fewer than ten days before the vote. He was invited to Manhattan, wooed from every angle, and eventually recanted his previous opposition to marriage equality, offering his apologies for ever being against it. So bribery is pretty effective. Man, it took a lot of courage for Senator Alesi to vote for marriage equality. When I think of people who abandon their values and dance for Mayor Bloomberg’s cash, I think ‘Wow that took balls’. There’s nothing more courageous than selling out for cash.   
 
Money has always been the homosexual lobby’s secret weapon. Not only are gays superrich, so are our straight friends–ie. Michael Bloomberg. We love to brag about the taxes we pay and how we’re owed something because of it. We all know that that’s secret code for, “We got money, we got power”. It’s easier to just buy off politicians than it is to win hearts and minds.
 
We always manage to raise more money for our side, yet lose the vote. At least when the vote is put to the people, which is something we should never do. We must never vote on civil rights. Wait a second, didn’t we vote on civil right in New York last month and weren’t we thrilled? Okay, let me rephrase that. We must never vote on civil rights–not unless we can guarantee the result with a large infusion of cash.
 
The cash gap always favors us. In California, we raised $44.1 million to oppose Prop H8. The H8ers raised $38.7 million. (We later complained that many of their donors were from–gasp!–out of state, but of course our out of state money exceeded theirs). In Maine, our side raised $5.7 million and their side $3.4 million.
 
If only we could have written ten thousand dollar checks to each and every voter in California and Maine. It’s much easier to just bribe four senators. Bribery works wonders in a legislature. It’s much less effective when applied to a ballot question. So let’s make sure that marriage equality never ends up on the ballot, anywhere.
 
Thank goodness for wealthy fags and their big checkbooks.    
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This day in LGBTQXYZ history: July 20th

And now for a new feature here at Two Gay Bullies. We will take you back in time to witness the great events of rainbow history.

July 20th stands out among all dates on the calendar because it marks the days when America’s first two openly gay congressmen faced ethics charges in the US House of Representatives. Those two men–Gerry Studds and Bawney Fwank–are giants within the gay community. Both men were the victims of right-wing witch-hunts on account of their sexuality. Both survived politically.

July 20th 1983

The House of Representatives voted to censure Congressman Gerry Studds (D-Massachusetts) for his sexual affair with a seventeen year old Congressional page, while making sexual advances to at least two others. While this may sound skeezy, there’s actually nothing wrong with it. The age of consent in the District of Columbia is sixteen, so seventeen year old Congressional pages are fair game. No biggee. Gerry Studds maintained until the end of his life that the affair was consensual and that he had done nothing wrong. What two consenting adults do in the privacy of their home is no one else’s business. Or, you know, an adult and a minor who happens to be above the age of sixteen. The two travelled together and frequently had sex in other locales, including on trip to Portugal. I’m sure that they never had sex in any jurisdiction in which the age of consent is higher than sixteen. Studds also plied the boy with alcohol. I’m not sure what the drinking age was way back then, but I think it  might have been over seventeen.

But let’s not be prudes about it! This whole thing was much ado about nothing. It’s not like there was a sexual predator loose in the House of Representatives or something.

Civil rights warrior Gerry Studds. He liked young boys, but he always made sure they were at least sixteen. So don't worry about it, m'kay? Sheesh, he even looks like a pedophile. There are some registered sex offender posters around my neighborhhood and they all look like this guy.

As the formal censure was read aloud, Studds made the symbolic gesture of turning his back on the entire proceedings. The message was clear–Studds was giving the whole proceeding a big “up yours”. Shortly thereafter, Studds came out of the closet, thus turning the whole scandal around on the right-wing prudes who happened to be persecuting him.

“It is not a simple task for any of us to meet adequately the obligations of either public or private life, let alone both. But these challenges are made substantially more complex when one is, as am I, both an elected official and gay.”

See? So it’s really hard being gay. You can’t even bring Congressional pages back to your apartment, get them drunk on cranberry juice and vodka, and have your way with them, without somebody getting in your business. There’s always somebody there, digging in your private life. That’s just life as a gay man in uptight America.

Well, Studds had the last laugh. Not only did he finish out his term, he was actually reelected six times after being censured. Six times!  We adored our pedophile congressman. I say “we” because Gerry Studds was, in fact, my congressman. His strongest support always came from Provincetown. Nobody gave a hoot that he was playing hide the salami with Congressional pages. That might concern a bunch of “family values” bigots in the Midwest, but we don’t care about that stuff here in P-Town. It’s not important to us. What’s important is that he fought to end the military’s ban on openly homosexual servicemembers and that he got lots of money funneled into the bottomless rat hole of AIDS research. He raised awareness about gay issues, and for that, we salute him!

Congressional pages fight to get their books signed by President Obama. Funny, when you look at them they don't really look like adults. They look like...teenageers? Oh well. They're at least sixteen and that's the age of consent in the District of Columbia. Congressmen should feel free to have their way with them. They're old enough to have their learner's permits, right?

Actually, Studds’s sexual activities were kind of an open secret in the district.  Most people knew the Congressman had a weakness for rosy-cheeked young boys. It’s just not something that mattered to us because we don’t worry about that stuff. We’re progressive here in the Bay State, and even more progressive here in Provincetown. So, even after the “scandal” broke, we just kept sending him back to Washington as our representative. I voted for him every time I saw his name on the ballot. I wrote him a check for the maximum amount and I even displayed “Studds for Congress” signs on my front lawn. Proudly.

Actually, I think I may have had an anonymous liaison with him in the dunes down on the beach. Or maybe it was just a guy who looked a lot like him.

Fenway Health, a Boston clinic that specializes in LGBTQXYZ health issues, even named an award after Studds. The Congressman Gerry E. Studds Award is granted for “progressive leadership on LGBT and public health issues”.  Recent winners of the Studds Award include Senator Ted Kennedy and Lt. Dan Choi. What an honor it is to win an award named after an unabashed pedophile. It’s something I can only aspire to. Also, Congress named a marine sanctuary in his honor–the Gerry E. Studds Stellwagen Bank National Marine Sanctuary.

http://stellwagen.noaa.gov/

July 20th 1990

Bawney Fwank had to face the House Ethics Committee  for the male prostitution ring that was being run out of his apartment…completely unbeknownst to Bawney!  He had no friggin’ idea!

No, seriously. He was dating a guy at the time–Steven Gobie–who happened to be a male prostitute. Bawney hired Gobie as a personal aide and chauffeur, which sounds like a really sweet gig to me. I’d love to be Bawney’s right hand man. Bawney knew that Gobie was a prostitute; that much is clear. He knew this because he met Gobie through an ad in the ultragay Washington Blade newspaper and then paid the lad for sex. The following ad really caught Fwank’s eye:

“Exceptionally good-looking, personable, muscular athlete is available. Hot bottom plus large endowment equals a good time.”

After boning Gobie and paying him for it, Fwank took the poor gentleman into his apartment. Not to be his boytoy of course, but to rescue him! According to the LA Times, Barney did this “with hope of reforming a troubled young man with a history of petty crime and prostitution.” See, so he paid the guy for some sex then took him under his wing in an attempt to woo him away from prostitution. I know I certainly do that–sleep with prostitutes, then try to rescue them from prostitution. Makes sense to me. 

http://articles.latimes.com/1989-08-26/news/mn-823_1_barney-frank

But Bawney was completely in the dark that his gay male prostitute boyfriend was running a gay male prostitution ring out of his apartment. It totally blindsided him! So let’s cut him some slack. There’s no reason to believe that Bawney had any knowledge of this. Could have happened to anybody. I think we can all agree that the Congressman is the victim here. The Congressman thinks so too.

“I hired him out of a charitable impulse. I thought I was going to be a liberal who got involved directly with an individual who needed help.. . . I was victimized. I misjudged his character.”

Fwank is the victim here. Got it?

A young Congressman Bawney Fwank. It was really heroic of him to rescue his boytoy from the mean streets of Washington, DC. It's too bad the young man turned out to be a disreputable male prostitute. It's really an odd coincidence that Bawney met a male prostitute while he was skimming the pages of the Washington Blade for a male prostitute.

In the end, the gay-hating religious right’s plan to ensnare Bawney Fwank sputtered out and produced very little. The only ethics violation that they found was that Fwank wrote letters with his official letterhead on Gobie’s behalf. Big deal. With the stroke of his pen, he made Gobie’s parking tickets go away. Oh yes, and he also wrote to Virginia probation authorities, enjoining them to cut Gobie some slack for his convictions concerning possession of cocaine, oral sodomy in public, and production of obscene material involving minors. Don’t know what that last charge is. Sounds kind of like a kiddie porn charge but it’s also pretty vague. Bawney Fwank urged the authorities to go easy on him, acting as a character witness of sorts.

But the ethics probe was a big flop. They never could prove that Bawney had any knowledge that a guy he met through a prostitution advertisement in a gay newspaper was actually in the business of prostitution. It was very difficult to prove. I’m sure he was shocked–shocked!–to discover that callboys were operating out of his place of residence. As shocked as the rest of us.

I'm shocked--shocked!--to find out that gay prostitution is going on in here.

Bawney Fwank, just like Gerry Studds, survived the scandal without a blemish on him. He’s been resoundingly reelected ever since. The people of his district don’t care at all. That’s a testament to the citizens of Massachusetts 4th Congressional District. They love them some Bawney Fwank and there’s nothing he can do to convince them otherwise. Fwank went on to oversee the Fannie Mae/Freddie Mac subprime mortgage debacle that sunk the economy and screwed ordinary Americans out of their homes and life savings. Along with a newer “hot bottom”, that is. So it’s a good thing he didn’t resign back in 1990 when the pressure was on him to do so.

The twentieth day of July represents two milestones in the history of gay rights. Remember this day in LGBTQXYZ history. Two gay giants faced disciplinary proceedings and nobody cared.

Who’s up for hate-fucking some Republicans?

The fallout continues over Marcus and Michele Bachmann’s wacky, zany, “pray away the gay” therapy clinic. I think you’ll all agree with me that the blowback has been delicious.

So I was watching Real Time with Bill Maher the other night just because I heard that one of his panelists was going to be Dan Savage, my favorite gay sex columnist and an all around sick puppy. Of course, Bill brought up the topic of the Bachmanns and their clinic. It didn’t take more than a few seconds before someone threw out the old “Marcus Bachmann is obviously a repressed homosexual” line, and the fun began. Let’s just say that the banter that followed was hilarious.

Surprisingly, it wasn’t Maher or Savage who really got it started. It was comedian Marc Maron.

“I don’t want to be crass, but I just hope that Marcus Bachmann takes all that, ya know, that rage that comes from repression and denial and brings it into the bedroom with [Michelle]. I hope he fucks her angrily, because that’s how I would. And I’ve thought about it.”

Is that funny or what? Certainly not “crass”. He’s daydreamed about giving it to Michele Bachmann…with malice! Ha Ha! The audience lapped it up, laughing and hooting. Everyone knows that Bill Maher has one of the hippest, savviest, coolest audiences in all of television. I know that I was laughing so hard I nearly spilled my Zima all over myself. I was just whooping and slapping my knees. Ha! Ha! Rape jokes are funny!

Bill Maher and Marc Maron chat about raping a congresswoman. HBO represents the best in television.

Now, I know that may sound like he was admitting to rape fantasies. I mean, it’s hard to imagine a woman consenting to being “fucked angrily”. Consensual hate-fucking seems like a contradiction in terms. Here you go bitch. I’m going to manhandle you. Lay still while pound you. Squeal for me bitch! Squeal for me! And for this guy to have fantasies about it, well…it sounds like he’s got some issues with misogyny that he needs to deal with.

Normally, I would be against that kind of thing. Rape, I mean. Or even just misogynistic fantasies. But this is Michele Bachmann we’re talking about. She’s a right-wing Christian and basically less than human. And so it’s really funny. That’s why the audience roared. No one was laughing harder than me. I’d fuck her angrily myself if it weren’t for the fact that I don’t like women.

It appears that Dan Savage detected the subtle misogyny in Marc Maron’s jokes, so he immediately leapt into action, providing cover for Marc’s comments.

“Just so you don’t get charges of sexism, because only Michele Bachmann was involved. I sometimes think about fucking the shit out of Rick Santorum. Just ’cause I think he needs it. It’s not just women we are talking about fucking. It’s like, ‘let’s bone that Santorum boy.’”
Nice save, Savage! See, so if you balance a disgusting, hateful, violent joke about raping a congresswoman, with another joke in which you joke about “boning that Santorum boy”, it makes everything okay. The “sexism” (or misogyny) of the first joke is negated by the sheer perversion of the second. The fact that they were made by two different people doesn’t matter. Savage’s fantasies of boning Santorum (with malice, I would presume) redeem Maron’s jokes about raping Michele Bachmann. See? No harm, no foul.

Heroic Dan Savage. He wants to sodomize a former US Senator who really "needs it". I love this guy. He says everything I've been thinking but have never had the words to express. Sodomy with Rick Santorum is something I've always dreamt of. Notice the shirt: "Google Santorum".

Dan continued in the same vein, adding, “I’d be up for whipping up some Santorum in Santorum.” The crowd went wild for that one too. For those of you who don’t keep abreast of LGBTQXYZ slang, urbandictionary.com defines “Santorum” as follows:
“The sometimes frothy, usually slimy amalgam of lubricant, stray fecal matter, and ejaculate that leaks out of the receiving partner’s anus after a session of anal intercourse. Named, by popular demand and usage, by legislator Rick Santorum because of his homophobic political statements.”
Apparently, the inventor of that handy phrase was none other than…Dan Savage! Yes, Dan Savage invented the term for the substance I always find in my underwear after my husband (or someone else) sodomizes me. And to think that some people think that butt sex is gross. What’s gross about spooge, fecal matter and KY-Jelly? Savage calls it Santorum, which is pretty funny because we know that the name would bother the actual guy named Santorum. And that’s what we like to.
Dan Savage is always prepared to offer his own brand of incisive social commentary. Some of you may remember his recent throwing of the gauntlet to John Cummins of the British Columbia Conservative Party. After Cummins said that homosexuality is a “conscious choice”–but before he was dragged off to one of those Stalinist “hate speech” show trials they’re so fond of in Canada–Dan Savage offered him what he called the “Choicer Challenge”.
“What if being gay is something people consciously choose? Gee, if only there were a way for choicers to prove that they’re right and everyone else is wrong… actually, there is way for choicers to prove that they’re right! I hereby publicly invite—I publicly challenge—John Cummins to prove that being gay is a choice by choosing it himself.  Suck my dick, John. I’m completely serious about this, John. You’re not my type—you’re about as far from my type as a human being without a vagina gets—but I have just as much interest as you do in seeing this gay-is-a-choice argument resolved once and for all. You name the time and the place, John, and I’ll show up with my dick and a camera crew. Then you can show the world how it’s done. You can demonstrate how this “conscious choice” is made. You can flip the switch, John, make the choice, then sink to your bony old knees and suck my dick. And after you’ve swallowed my load, John, we’ll upload the video to the internet and you’ll be a hero to other choicers everywhere.”

Boo-yah! Score one for Savage! He offered the bigoted Canadian MP the opportunity to suck his dick, and because Cummins chose not to, that means that there’s no “choice” involved. Other than the choice Cummins exercised not to smoke Dan Savage’s pole. But that only proves my point.

Personally, I think Dan Savage was just trying to get a free blowjob out of the deal. All you have to do is ask, Dan! Leave me a comment. No need to go propositioning bigoted politicians north of the border.

You may also remember Dan Savage as “the doorknob licker”. No, that’s not some kind of new-fangled homophobic slur. He actually licks doorknobs. And staplers, and telephones. He brags of it, in fact. In 2000, Dan Savage visited Gary Bauer’s Presidential HQ in Iowa, where he snuck into the office and started licking objects in an attempt to spread his flu virus to staffers, and hopefully, to the candidate himself. Bauer is an ultra-right wing evangelical Christofascist loser. Just keep that in mind as you read Savage’s account of his germ warfare campaign:

I go around the room licking doorknobs. They are filthy, no doubt, but there isn’t time to find a rag to spit on. If for some reason I don’t manage to get a pen from my mouth to Gary’s hands at the conference, I want to seed his office with germs, get as many of his people sick as I can, and hopefully one of them will infect the candidate. I lick office doorknobs, bathroom doorknobs. When that’s done, I start on the staplers, phones, and computer keyboards. Then I stand in the kitchen and lick the rims of all the clean coffee cups drying in the rack. I grab my coat and head out.

It must have taken real courage to lick all of those “filthy” things. Icky. Well, I personally have no qualms with filth or with licking filthy things. I’ve never met a gay man who did. I kind of thought that it was a prerequisite for being a gay man that you actually liked filth and licking stuff. Anyway, read the whole thing here:

http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Content?oid=3092

Well known Christofascist Gary Bauer. I hope he caught the flu from Dan Savage. Or any other communicable disease that Dan Savage has. Which is probably a pretty long list. I think right-wing bigots like Bauer deserve viruses.

When Dan acts this way, he’s just being true to himself. He was born this way. If you think he’s a real sick individual, maybe you’re just a prude. Keep up the good, work Dan! And Bill, and Marc. You’re doing great work. Remember, hate-fucking Republicans is funny.

Michele and Marcus Bachmann are homophobic. I am ex-homophobic.

The gay-hating Bachmann duo is at it again. ABC World News Tonight led off Monday’s broadcast with a piece on Congresswoman Michele Bachmann and her husband Dr. Marcus Bachmann, who appear to be involved in some kind of reparative therapy “pray away the gay” scheme at their counseling and treatment clinic in Lake Elmo, Minnesota. Yes, this was the most important news story in the entire world this past Monday. That’s why ABC World News Tonight led off with it. Not a damned thing more important, anywhere in the world.

Marcus and Michele Bachmann, known homophobes. She's the darling of the teabagger movement, he's a shrink who "cures" homosexuality. I'd bet he's a repressed homosexual himself. Perhaps wishful thinking on my part, but there's a good possibility. Anti-gay males tend to be gay males. Sounds stupid, but it's true. Actually, it's just a comeback I heard once in high school and I've repeated it a zillion times ever since.

Here’s what happened: Andrew Ramirez was “sent” to the Bachmann clinic in 2004 after coming out to his parents. The article doesn’t make it clear whether his parents were forcing him, just that he was “sent”. Ramirez describes the gut-wrenching experience:

From the outset, Ramirez says, his therapist—one of roughly twenty employed at the Lake Elmo clinic—made it clear that renouncing his sexual orientation was the only moral choice. “He basically said being gay was not an acceptable lifestyle in God’s eyes,” Ramirez recalls. According to Ramirez, his therapist then set about trying to “cure” him. Among other things, he urged Ramirez to pray and read the Bible, particularly verses that cast homosexuality as an abomination, and referred him to a local church for people who had given up the “gay lifestyle.” He even offered to set Ramirez up with an ex-lesbian mentor.

The horror! They urged him to PRAY and READ THE BIBLE! They also told him that homosexuality is immoral. I’m surprised the poor thing didn’t kill himself. I found myself on the suicide hotline just reading about it.

Okay, so the truth is that ex-gays scare the crap out of me, and that’s why I have to tear them down. If you’ve heard of homophobes, then you can just call me an ex-homophobe. That doesn’t mean that I used to be homophobic and now I’m not. It means that I hate ex-homosexuals. I think they should be shamed into returning to our side of the rainbow. In this sense, we’re kind of like a cult. Once you’re in, you can NEVER leave.

The Bachmann clinic received a visit at a later date from perpetually aggrieved homosexual activist John Becker of the group Truth Wins Out. Becker smuggled a camera into the clinic to record the goings-on, posing as a gay man in search of a cure to his homosexual affliction. Becker describes his experience at Truth Wins Out:

…I was advised to find a heterosexual “accountability buddy” as I struggled to increase my attraction to women and decrease my attraction to men. I was to confide in, pray with, and be held accountable to this person. Bachmann & Associates sells a book written by Twin Cities minister and self-proclaimed “ex-lesbian” Janet Boynes. This book chronicles her supposed journey “out of the lesbian lifestyle.” Next to the stack of books was a prominently-displayed, typewritten note that read, “Janet is a friend. I recommend this book as she speaks to the heart of the matter and gives practical insights of truth to set people free. – Marcus Bachmann, PhD.”

I like Truth Wins Out because they belittle ex-gays and accuse of them of secretly continuing their homosexuality on the down low. They put derisive quotations marks around “ex-gay” and “ex-lesbian”. They do not allow people to define their own sexuality, but rather assign them labels which they do not accept. For example, they refer to author Janet Boynes as “self-proclaimed” “ex-lesbian” Janet Boynes. See, so she’s not really an ex-lesbian. She’s just telling people that. We’ll decide for her whether she’s a lesbian or not. Don’t let her fool you with her self-proclamations. She’s still muff-diving on the side, we’re sure of it. She may tell you that she’s completed a journey out of the “lesbian lifestyle”, but don’t believe it. It’s a “supposed journey”, not a journey.

Boynes has her own website, by the way. And it’s not girl-on-girl porn. Read this crap and tell me if you don’t think she’s batshit crazy:

http://janetboynesministries.com/

Janet Boynes, so-called "ex-lesbian" who will help you understand your sexuality via her supposed "journey" out of lesbianism. And in case you haven't noticed, she's black. One of the churchy blacks. My loyal readers know what I think about them. If they care so much about traditional values, maybe they'd like to be enslaved again. Hmmm? Try that one on for size Bishop Jackson, Star Parker, and Alan Keyes.

Before you go seeking therapy from the Bachmann clinic or similar reparative therapy outlets, be forewarned that a number of ex-gays have relapsed. These failed attempts to change sexual behavior prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that homosexuality is immutable. So don’t even try. Really. Similarly, you shouldn’t try to quit smoking because you’ll probably fail just like everyone else. Without drugs or other types of help, the success rate of any given attempt to quit is about four to seven percent. So most smokers relapse. Diets are even worse. Ninety-five percent of dieters who lose a significant amount of weight will gain it all back and then some within three years. Alcoholics and prescription painkiller addicts have an even lower success rates. Change is hopeless. You are who you are.

Some people are just hard headed in this regard. Just the other day, an old friend called me from San Francisco, telling me that he was finally planning on getting clean. He was going to quit drinking, popping pills, and smoking cigarettes. And I advised him to stop wasting his time because the chances of his success are much, much lower than the chances that he’ll be able to give up butt sex. Because some have failed in the past, NO ONE should try. He took my advice and decided to continue killing himself with drugs and sodomy.

This whole concept of “curing” gays is pseudo-scientific at its root. If you want sound science, stick with us homos and our fleeting “gay gene”. Look, homosexuality is genetic in nature. You’re either born that way or you aren’t. Scientists have been searching for this gay gene since before I was born but they haven’t found it yet. So what? I take it on faith and so should you. Just believe the theory and let the scientists find the supporting evidence in the meantime. This could take years, so be patient and bear with us. Let’s put it this way–we’ll find that gene before your silly “Messiah” comes back.

That’s how science works, right guys? Come up with the theory first and search for the evidence later? That’s how I learned the scientific method when I was in school. Either you agree with me or you hate science. It’s that simple. Don’t let me find out that any of you are science haters!

Homosexuality MUST be an inborn trait. It’s the cornerstone of my belief system and I cannot accept any idea that contradicts it. It is my dogma, my unshakeable belief. Otherwise I would have to accept that I am in control of my own penis, which sounds like personal responsibility. There’s nothing I hate more than personal responsibility.

So let’s get one thing straight. (Woops, did I say straight?) I do not choose who I sleep with. Sexual intercourse is not a volitional act. My penis has a mind of its own. I do not control it, it controls me. Just the other day I woke up next to a drag queen named Wilma Ballsdrop in a seedy motel room near the beach. I have no idea how I got there or who put those cigarette burns on my doughy asscheeks. I don’t even know if I enjoyed it.  As I was leaving, I noticed this mysterious photo of me and the drag queen stored in my cell phone:

I really don't know where this picture was taken but it looks like we were having a great time together. I know who the person on the right is. That's me. The tranny on the left is a mystery. I just know s/he goes by the name Wilma Ballsdrop. That whole night is a blur. May our paths cross again.

So please don’t tell me that I “choose” to be gay. We know that no one chooses to be gay. To say that a person chooses homosexuality is like saying that a person chooses to be shunned, hated, and rejected by society. That’s right, despite the overwhelming support of corporate America, the news media, the entertainment industry, the public schools, academia, some of the churches, the federal government, the state governments, the cultural elite and the fabulously rich, I am still trying to peddle the ridiculous canard that society stigmatizes homosexuality. Even though all of the aforementioned institutions are engaged in a full court press in support of our advocacy efforts, I’m still going to be a little bitch and tell everyone how oppressed I am as a gay man.

Just the other day, a guy was fired from Cisco Systems for writing a book in support of marriage equality! Oh wait, that didn’t happen.

Someone ought to pass the message along to Congresswoman and Dr. Bachmann: You cannot pray away the gay! God put those instincts in me because he wants me to act on them. If it says otherwise in that silly book of yours, then just do what my LGBTQXYZ  friends do and cross it out with a black marker. God wants his children to be happy and butt sex makes me very happy. Because sexual instincts are inborn, acting upon them becomes a right and even a duty. God wants all of us to do whatever our wee-wees and vajayjays tell us to do. Otherwise he wouldn’t have put the urge there in the first place. (For more on that, see previous post “Straight People Are Pretty Gross, but I Won’t Judge…”:  https://twogaybullies.wordpress.com/2011/06/22/straight-people-are-pretty-gross-but-i-wont-judge/ )

If other people have found that butt sex doesn’t make them happy, and voluntarily choose to seek help, they should be denied. I mean, normally I think the consenting adults should be allowed to do what they wish, at least as far as bedroom behavior goes. But if a consenting gay adult seeks help from a consenting therapist adult, I think it’s time for me to shove my nose into their business. If the consenting gay adult asks for help in resisting his gay urges, then someone has to take action to stop the consenting therapist adult from giving the homosexual the guidance he’s asked for. Especially if it involves prayer, which is something that gives me the heebeejeebies. Consensual or non-consensual, this type of “therapy” should not be allowed even if both parties agree to it.

I’m really worried that this therapy might prove to be successful, thus shaking the pillar of my homosexual faith–the myth of inborn homosexuality. And it might also cut down on the number of guys I can sleep with. The survival of the gay race–ha! ha!–depends on squelching this kind of therapy before it goes mainstream. 

Also, I think it’s about time we destroyed the bitch from Minnesota before she gets anywhere near the White House. Kudos to ABC News for getting the ball rolling on that.

If only I loved poor children as much as I hate Christians…

I take pleasure in announcing another great victory for the movement towards full equality. We are now depriving third world children of shoes!

Recently, entrepreneur and TOMS shoes founder Blake Mycoskie appeared at a speaking engagement sponsored by the anti-gay, anti-choice, “Focus on the Family”. I’m pretty sure these people don’t believe in dinosaurs, actually. Focus on the Family is so evil that they must not be allowed to do good. In fact, if they try, we should prevent them from doing good.

Focus on the Family flyer advertising its "Feet on the Ground" event with Blake Mycoskie. Very incriminating. This flyer is very hateful. It appears that Focus on the Family is conspiring with a shoe manufacturer to...distribute shoes to poor people! This is the smoking gun.

Here’s all you need to know about Focus on the Family. They oppose gay marriage, just like half of the country. They oppose abortion, just like a slim majority of the country. They don’t believe in evolution just like 61% of Americans.  And they’re VERY much on the fringe. They’re not hip, they’re square. They’re basically the mothership of the Christofascist movement. Focus on the Family also sponsors an annual “Day of Dialogue” in which they encourage students to talk about “God’s plan” for sexuality. The day is scheduled to coincide annually with the pro-gay National Day of Silence. Personally, I don’t really care about “God’s plan” for my dick. I care about my plan. In any case, the National Day of Silence is a time for people to shut up. The name of the day is very clear. They want dialogue and we want SILENCE!

When word got out that Mycoskie was associating with the likes of Focus on the Family, the shit hit the fan. The feminists went berserk, and so did the sodomites. The gay blogosphere was abuzz with vitriol for TOMS. I immediately ran to my shoe closet to see if I owned a pair. After searching through the seventy pairs of shoes I own, I found that in fact, I DO own some of TOMS shoes. They’re pink and they have sequins on them. I ran to the deck and hurled them out into the ocean just to show my disgust for Mr. Mycoskie and his company.

Blake Mycoskie, founder of TOMS shoes and known accomplice of the Focus on the Family hate group. He stepped off the reservation for just a second, but we brought him back into line. Here he is distributing shoes to some impoverished kid in the third world, which he does quite a bit. Just one question: Is the handsome young gentleman single?

Ms. Magazine immediately started an online petition asking TOMS shoes to drop any relationship with Focus on the Family. LGBTQXYZ people and their allies alerted each other via facebook and twitter to get over there and sign the petition. It didn’t take more than a few minutes before the handsome man got back on the right side of things. Let’s face it, we homos have POWER! We just have to pretend that we don’t so that we can continue to perpetuate the myth that we’re poor, downtrodden victims, abused by society. We’re nothing of the sort.

Irene Carmon of Jezebel.com explains her thinking in regards to TOMS shoes and Focus on the Family:

“There’s nothing inherently political about distributing shoes to African children, of course. In theory, it’s a good thing for Focus to spend less time trying to police sex and more actually helping people, but they’ve not really cut back on the former. And Focus On The Family isn’t the only group TOMS could have turned to for collaboration, nor is it the only Christian group involved in charitable missions. It carries significant cultural and political baggage, for good reason. TOMS is at major risk of alienating a constituency that has enthusiastically adopted their product, including yours truly.”

I couldn’t agree more. For years, I’ve said that “Christian” groups like Focus on the Family should spend more of their time and effort trying to feed and clothe the poor and less of their time worrying about sodomy and baby-killing. When I phrase it that way, it sounds like a zero sum game, as if they can’t do both. Every time you say that homosexuality is wrong, another child dies in a third world village. It’s just one of many schemes I’ve come up with to shut people up. It makes them feel like a “bad Christian” for opposing my agenda, and that’s what I want them to believe.

The truth is that the Christian groups that I hate so much DO perform lots of acts of charity to the poor. That really pisses me off. So when they actually take my advice and do what I think they should be doing, I get pretty upset about that too. I’d rather the kids not have shoes if hateful, hate-mongering haters are going to have anything to do with it.  

Mr. Mycoksie quickly distanced himself from the far-right hate group with an official apology:

Had I known the full extent of Focus on the Family’s beliefs, I would not have accepted the invitation to speak at their event. It was an oversight on my part and the company’s part and one we regret…Furthermore, contrary to what has been reported, Focus on the Family is not a TOMS giving partner. So there is no misunderstanding created by this mistake, let me clearly state that both TOMS, and I as the founder, are passionate believers in equal human and civil rights for all. That belief is a core value of the company and of which we are most proud.

Nice apology, I suppose. I went down to the waterfront after I read that to see if I could fish my pink shoes out of the ocean, but it appears they are gone. I’ll check again at low-tide.

TOMS Shoes is a big fan of helping poor children. I'm just glad they don't allow their love for children to overshadow their hate for Christians who actually believe the Bible. It's more important that we shun and punish those we disagree with than to acheive humanitarian goals.

Mycoskie stressed that Focus on the Family will NOT be part of the “One-for-One” program that gives shoes to children in the third world.  For each pair of shoes you buy, TOMS donates one pair to needy children. Mycoskie learned the value of shoes during his trips to Argentina, where he sometimes encountered people who had none. TOMS explains on its website why shoes are so important:

1. Many children in developing countries grow up barefoot. Whether at play, doing chores or going to school, these children are at risk:

2. A leading cause of disease in developing countries is soil-transmitted diseases, which can penetrate the skin through bare feet. Wearing shoes can help prevent these diseases, and the long-term physical and cognitive harm they cause.

3. Wearing shoes also prevents feet from getting cuts and sores. Not only are these injuries painful, they also are dangerous when wounds become infected.

4. Many times children can’t attend school barefoot because shoes are a required part of their uniform. If they don’t have shoes, they don’t go to school. If they don’t receive an education, they don’t have the opportunity to realize their potential.

TOMS also partners with other organizations in order to further its mission. From a video on their website:

“We partner with humanitarian and health organizations around the world. They can help us give shoes year after year, providing shoes to the same children as they grow.

But they won’t partner with Focus on the Family and I’m glad for that. If that means that thousands of kids will have to go barefoot and get communicable diseases and other icky stuff like that, then I suppose that’s the way the cookie crumbles. If that means that they can’t go to school and get an education, I’m fine with that too. If their little feet get cut up and infected, that’s just too damned bad. I’d hate to think that somewhere in Somalia or Myanmar there’s some kid walking around with a pair of shoes on his feet that were paid for by a homophobic American pastor. So it’s better this way. A lot better.  

 
Thanks to all of you who signed the petition. TOMS shoes really heard us loud and clear!  As I’ve said before, we have corporate America in our pocket. We say ‘jump’, and they say ‘how high?’ Just remember–eternal vigilance is the price of guilt-free sodomy!

Safe schools budget slashed. Gay suicide epedemic follows.

Considering our recent victory in New York State, a lot of angry homosexual activists think that we can now rest on our laurels. Sad to say, we cannot. As sweet as the victory in New York was, the threat to queer normalization is, in fact, greater than ever.

I’m speaking, of course, about the recent budget cuts impacting the Office of Safe and Drug Free Schools (OSDFS) and the resignation of its first director, Kevin Jennings. The upcoming 2012 budget will likely slash this department’s budget by seventy-five percent.

The OSDFS has been headed, until this month, by an aggressive homosexual who really deserves credit for mainstreaming perversion in our public schools. You may know Jennings as the founder of GLSEN and the author of “One Teacher out of Ten”, a reference to the myth that ten percent of the population is homosexual. We took that statistic from sexologist Alfred Kinsey, a known pervert of the first degree who studied human sexuality in a vain attempt to prove that his activities were actually normal. The real statistic for the general population is somewhere between two and three percent, but we’ve lied about that for years in order to exaggerate our numbers.  Now, if you’re talking about teachers, that stat would be something closer to 80%, as a result of the concerted efforts in the realm of homosexual evangelism. 

Jennings also wrote the foreword to the book “Queering Elementary Education”. Personally, I think the nation’s elementary schools suffer from a deficiency of queerness and I’m glad Jennings is working on that.  Or at least he was until he resigned.

This guy has been fighting in the trenches of America’s culture wars since the days of Jerry Falwell and Phyllis Schlafly.If you’re gay, you owe a debt of gratitude to Mr. Jennings. He wants everyone to tell you that you’re wonderful just the way you are. Until the day that happens, you are not “safe”.

Kevin Jennings, Obama's "safe schools" czar. He's one pushy faggot, and that's what I like about him. I really like his ideas about "queering" elementary education.

Get it? “Safety” is a code word! By extension, so are “safe schools”! Ha! “Safe schools” means no one is allowed to think poorly of homosexuality. Or at least they can’t say it out loud, which is essentially the same thing.

If the Radical Right can succeed in portraying us as preying on children, we will lose. Their language — “promoting homosexuality” is one example — is laced with subtle and not-so- subtle innuendo that we are “after their kids.” ….

Yeah, I know. As if anyone is “after their kids”. Well, we are after their kids, but only in a good way. Why else do you think I became a guidance counselor? I, for one, agree with the sentiments of a recent article from Queerty.com entitled “Can We Please Just Start Admitting That We Do Actually Want To Indoctrinate Kids?”

They accuse us of exploiting children and in response we say, “NOOO! We’re not gonna make kids learn about homosexuality, we swear! It’s not like we’re trying to recruit your children or anything.” But let’s face it-that’s a lie. We want educators to teach future generations of children to accept queer sexuality. In fact, our very future depends on it.

I couldn’t agree more! What the hell is the point of infiltrating the public schools if I can’t push my own personal agenda?

Me too! The whole reason I became a guidance counselor was so I could oversee the school district's homosexual indoctrination program. But don't worry, we can't "make" your kid gay. Despite all of our best efforts, we can't. I swear. Someone ought to send that memo to the author of the Queerty article listed above. He needs to stop telling people that "our future" depends on recruiting their kids.

Everyone should really read the article in its entirety. All in all, it earned eleven “LOL’s”, five “HOT’s”, and forty-two “MORE PLEASE’s”. A few prudes voted “WTF”. Anyway, I completely endorse every word in this fantastic article. Is it possible for an online publication to win the Pulitzer?

http://www.queerty.com/can-we-please-just-start-admitting-that-we-do-actually-want-to-indoctrinate-kids-20110512/

Jennings was a key architect of the homosexual blitz on America’s schools. He started right here, where Michael and I live, in the progressive bastion of Massachusetts. His strategy was simple–people will either accept homosexual indoctrination in their schools, or they will be accused of having blood on their hands.

In Massachusetts the effective reframing of this issue was the key to the success of the Governor’s Commission on Gay and Lesbian Youth. We immediately seized upon the opponent’s calling card–safety–and explained how homophobia represents a threat to students’ safety by creating a climate where violence, name-calling, health problems, and suicide are common. Titling our report ‘Making Schools Safe for Gay and Lesbian Youth,’ we automatically threw our opponents onto the defensive and stole their best line of attack. This framing short-circuited their arguments and left them back-pedaling from day one. Finding the effective frame for your community is the key to victory. It must be linked to universal values that everyone in the community has in common. In Massachusetts, no one could speak up against our frame and say, ‘Why, yes, I do think students should kill themselves’: this allowed us to set the terms for debate.

Brilliant! Let’s break it down to its most simple level. There are only two sides here–those who want gay kids to blow their brains out, and those who don’t. If you oppose our agenda, you want teens to kill themselves!  If any teens actually do kill themselves, then it’s. all. your. fault. The appeal to emotion, rather than reason, is very strong. People tend to shut the fuck up when you phrase it that way, which is really what we want.

We want silence, and we achieve it through intimidation. Now, most people generally support the First Amendment rights to free speech and free exercise of religion. They tend to agree that 1) here in America, people have the right to hold their own religious beliefs, and that 2) here in America, people have a right to express their beliefs, even in the public schools. As a result of this backward thinking, most people tend to think that students have a right to disapprove of homosexuality and to say so, just the same way they have the right to object to the war in Iraq or tax cuts for the wealthy, or anything else under the sun. They don’t think that homosexuality is a special subject about which the protections of the First Amendment don’t apply.  

But they get a little squeamish when we start accusing them of killing gay kids through their attachment to “freedom”. People tend to resign themselves to the withering of constitutional rights once we portray them as de facto murderers of fifteen year olds. Okay, okay. We can accept a gag order in public schools if you’ll just stop telling people that we’re killing children.   

And then they shut up.

Let me take a moment to sound the alarm bells here…ALL OF THIS IS NOW IN DANGER! With Jennings out and the budget for his former office slashed to pieces, we may lose the ability to bully our opponents. If we don’t act now to rescue the safe schools office, our schools might lapse back into being unsafe. And when they do, parents might decide that they don’t like us handing out pornographic gay literature to their kids as we have in the past. So let’s not get too cocky in the wake of New York’s marriage equality vote. The forces of anti-gay bigotry are still alive and well. We need to be vigilant in the post-Jennings era.

Taking a “wait and see” attitude on this one

We can all breathe a sigh of relief now that Isaiah Kalebu has now been found guilty of the brutal rape and murder of a lesbian couple at their Seattle home in 2009. Kalebu broke into the women’s home at night, raped, slashed, and stabbed the women. One of the women, Teresa Butz, died as a result of the attack.

http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/localnews/2015486242_kalebu02m.html

And of course you know that GOD told him to do it, as he testified in court. Yes, this was a religious matter. God told him to rape and murder some lesbians and he did it. “I was there and I was told by my God, the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, to attack my enemies, and I did so,” said Kalebu.

Isaiah Kalebu, convicted murderer and rapist. He says that God told him to do it. It's a little unclear which God he means, so I have a hard time deciding whether I should be up in arms about this. Is there some way we can blame the Mormons for this?

I immediately scoured the internet to determine which hateful branch of Christianity he belongs to. Is he a Southern Baptist? A Catholic? Or was he perhaps part of the underwear cult (Latter Day Saints)? Or, could he be…A JEW? I searched and searched, looking high and low, and yet I couldn’t find it. It was almost as if it was being purposely concealed.

Uh oh, I thought. Usually when the religion of a perpetrator is concealed it’s because he’s a Muslim. That could be a problem. You see, the most violent, hateful religion in the entire world towards the LGBTQXYZ community is Islam. We homos tend to shy away from criticizing them because A) they’re also a recognized victim group entitled to special protection from criticism, and B) they’re really fucking scary.

Here’s an example of what happens to homosexuals like me in Muslim countries:

Okay, so it's probably better to be a homo here in oppressive America than it is in many other parts of the world. These two Iranian boys were caught in a passionate embrace and they ended up being dangled from the end of a rope. Well, the situation here is almost as oppressive. We have Carrie Prejean and Christian radio, for example.

If I had any balls at all–which I don’t–I’d spend a little of my time and energy mocking Muslims. I’d go out and write a script for a new musical. Rather than calling it The Book of Mormon, I’d call my play The Holy Qur’an. It would be a satirical and mocking portrayal of the Muslim religion. We’d have a grand old time making fun of the known child molester, Mohammed. That’s right, the founder of the Muslim religion took a nine year-old bride. I think you can imagine what I’d say about that if Saint Paul or Joseph Smith had taken a nine year-old bride. Well, no one in their right mind would make a play that mocked the holy scriptures of Islam–the religion of peace–because most people don’t want to end up with the business end of an AK-47 shoved in their mouth.

As you can see, I don’t have any balls, and that’s really the problem. People who mock Islam have a bad habit of dying shortly thereafter. So I pick on the nerdy, white bread Mormon missionaries because I know they won’t fight back. I pick on the Catholics, the evangelicals and basically anyone who won’t kill me. I pick on beauty queens from California and the elderly. I pick on the Boy Scouts for crying out loud! Is there anything more cowardly than that?

Christians just think I ought to find a nice girl and settle down with her. Muslim want me dead. Literally.

That’s why, for example, I’m obsessed with the Ugandan “kill gays” bill. Uganda is a third world hell hole, far away from where I live. But I care deeply about the homosexuals who live there. Of course, killing gays is old hat in large parts of Africa–the Muslim parts. It’s not new, it’s not controversial, and I’m not doing a damned thing about it. I care about Uganda because it’s Christians in this rare instance who are calling for the death of homosexuals. It allows me to extrapolate that sentiment to all Christians. That way, if some one believes that marriage should be between one man and one woman, I can accuse that person of secretly harboring a desire to kill me. Just like in Uganda.

So, for the moment, I’m just going to have to do some sleuthing. When this guy says that “God” told him to rape and murder these lesbians, did he mean Allah? Because, if he did, I’ll just leave this one alone. There are some clues. First of all, the Qur’an really DOES tell the adherents of the Muslim faith to kill the enemies of Islam. Also, Isaiah Kalebu sounds like an African name. Africans are far more likely than African-Americans to be Muslims. Of course, the biggest clue that he’s Muslim is that the news clippings don’t mention his religion at all. If they could have pinned this on any one of those hateful Christians sects, they would have. That’s just called good journalism.

In the absence of proof that this guy was a Christian, I think I’ll have to let this one simmer for a bit. I’m taking a wait and see attitude. I’ve noticed that most of the gay blogosphere is as well. This is not a Matthew Shepard incident. Shepard was killed by a bisexual drug fiend. But the bisexual drug fiend was a white guy from the Rocky Mountain region, so it was easy enough to portray him as a religious zealot who was taught to hate by the churchy people. All we had to do was lie a little bit.

Does anyone have any information on this? I’d really like to make some hay out of this incident, I’m just not sure whether he belongs to a protected group or not. If anyone has any information as to this man’s religious affiliation, please let me know in the comments section.

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