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Let me go on record as a strong supporter of firing all opponents of marriage equality. They should not have jobs. Not anywhere. They do not deserve gainful employment. They deserve to live somewhere under a bridge in a cardboard box. If they don’t understand  “inclusion” they should be excluded from the labor force. I don’t care if they fill up our homeless shelters. Wait—on second thought, they should be thrown out of there too!

As some of you may have heard, another Christian crybaby is complaining that he was fired from his job for being a bigot. Boo hoo. The homophobe in question is a man named Dr. Frank Turek, and—until very recently— he worked for Cisco Systems, Incorporated.

Dr. Turek is the author of Correct, not Politically Correct: How Same-Sex Marriage Hurts Everyone, an error-filled, culturally-biased homophobic screed that I have not read, nor will I ever. As a Christian, he is unable to see homosexuality with any degree of objectivity.

Turek's offense. Haven't read it because I might kill myself.

I know someone who knows someone who claims to have read it, and he said it hurt his feelings. Given the fact that gays are emotionally fragile people prone to kill themselves at any moment, I think prosecutors should look into the filing criminal charges against Dr. Turek and his publisher.

Cisco actually put the BIGOT in charge of giving a leadership and team-building seminar for managers within the company! Later on, one of the managers who attended his seminar googled Turek’s name and found incontrovertible proof that Turek is a homophobe. The complaining manager is also a homo, so you know he’s the good guy here. He didn’t read the book either, by the way.

The manager complained to Cisco’s HR Department, which promptly fired Turek. Bravo, Cisco! Disagreement will not be tolerated. That was the right move to make. Very courageous.

Cisco Systems supports diversity! It's nice to know that we still have Corporate America in our pocket. Yes, when we queers say 'jump' they say 'how high?' They do nothing but kiss our asses, and for that we thank them.

Now I must amend previous statements I have made. From time to time, ignorant bigots have accused me of wanting to fire people of faith simply for believing the tenets of their religion. Nothing could be further from the truth! In previous contexts I have said that it’s okay if the person believes homosexuality to be immoral so long as he can work with sodomites like me. Then I had to back away from that statement. Later, I said that it’s quite okay if some Christofascist disagrees with homosexuality so long as he only makes his bigoted statements when he is off the clock. But then I had to back away from that statement too. I later explained that gay-haters can espouse their ignorant beliefs all they want, so long as they are off the clock and they don’t mention the name of their employer.

But that would let Dr. Turek off the hook. After all, Turek’s writing was an outside activity that has nothing to do with his work at Cisco. He never presented himself as an employee of Cisco when he wrote. Also, his leadership and team-building seminars were excellent, according to the gay complainer who got him fired. He never once mentioned during his seminar that he wrote a homophobic book, and the only reason the perpetually offended homosexual knew about it is because he typed Turek’s name into a search engine.

Dr. Frank Turek, known homophobe. Kind of cute though. I'd bet that after a night with me he wouldn't be quite as straight as he thought he was. In any case, I'm so glad he's been fired.

So let me clarify: Christians can hold whatever backwards, Paleolithic beliefs they want, with one important caveat—they must always pretend that they don’t believe those things. They may not express those beliefs under any circumstances. That means in the workplace, outside the workplace, at home, in the car with friends, at a party, on the beach, on the street, in church, or anywhere else. Not in a box or with a fox, not in a house or with a mouse. That way, gays will be free of defamation just like they are in Canada and Sweden!

I know, this seems like I’m backtracking. I had previously said that Christians can say anything they want so long as they leave their employers out of it.

Back in 2008 a black woman named Crystal Dixon was fired from her job at the University of Toledo because of a filthy, angry, anti-gay letter she wrote to her local newspaper. Just a few of the “gems” Crystal imparted on us:

First, human beings, regardless of their choices in life, are of ultimate value to God and should be viewed the same by others.

Have you ever heard such bigotry?! Also:

Jesus Christ loves the sinner but hates the sin (John 8:1-11.)

Oh, that old chestnut again. Everyone knows that loving the sinner requires you to affirm his sinfulness. Anything less is bigotry. And finally:

As a Black woman who happens to be an alumnus of the University of Toledo’s Graduate School, an employee and business owner, I take great umbrage at the notion that those choosing the homosexual lifestyle are “civil rights victims.” Here’s why. I cannot wake up tomorrow and not be a Black woman. I am genetically and biologically a Black woman and very pleased to be so as my Creator intended.

Gasp! Apparently she didn’t get the memo that gay is the new black. She actually thinks that I choose who I sleep with! I’ve tried to explain this to homophobes on numerous occasions, but I’ll try again. Black people have higher levels of melanin in their skin. Homosexuals commit filthy acts of sodomy.  See the similarity? The parallels are eerie. How can anyone—much less a woman of color!—not see the blinding truth that homosexuality is equivalent to having black skin?

Crystal Dixon, known homophobe. She was fired from her job at the University of Toledo for not understanding that sodomy is roughly equivalent to having black skin. What would she know about being black, anyway? Ugh. I really hate black people. They've always been the churchiest of all the races. Roseanne Barr was right about them.

Anyway, back then I explained that she wasn’t being fired for her homophobic beliefs because that would have appeared to be a form of religious discrimination. I said that she was being fired for mentioning in the letter that she was an employee of the University of Toledo, and thus representing the school when she wrote her letter. See the difference?

Then there was the case of Sergeant Eric Holyfield, a raging homophobe and 16-year veteran of the Los Angeles Police Department. Holyfield serves as a pastor at his church when off duty. When delivering a eulogy for a fellow police officer, Holyfield quoted First Corinthians Chapter Six, a verse from that hate-filled book known as the Bible. It said that homosexuals would not inherit the kingdom of God. And he was demoted, thank goodness! He should have been fired, but demotion is almost good enough.

At the time I explained that he wasn’t demoted for reading from the Bible. Instead, I said that he was demoted because he read from the Bible and identified himself as the deceased police officer’s supervisor, which makes a huge difference. He can say anything he wants so long as he doesn’t mention his affiliation with the LAPD.

See, so no one’s freedom is being squashed here. There is no chilling effect. People are just being fired for not denying their faith, that’s all.

And now back to Dr. Turek. Okay, so he never mentioned his beliefs at work. And he never mentioned in his writing that he worked at Cisco. But that’s okay, I’ll just move the goalposts.  I agree with his termination. He obviously doesn’t support Cisco’s values of inclusion and tolerance.

‘Tolerance’, by the way, does not mean that I have to tolerate other people’s religious beliefs. Tolerance means that people of the Christian faith get pink slips unless they take a black marker to all of the passages of the Bible that offend me. ‘Inclusion’does not mean including people of various faith backgrounds. It means including people of various sexual perversions.


Comments on: "Cisco Systems, Inc. fires anti-gay bigot" (14)

  1. Michael Fitzpatrick said:

    Hey Patrick,

    Comparing yourself to BLACK PEOPLE? That’s brilliant! I should have thought of that. Having dark skin is comparable to taking it in the poop chute. Who could argue with that kind of logic? From now on, I’m going to keep that argument close at hand. We peter puffers are just like black people. Oh, WHOA IS ME! Look at how we have suffered! I mean, just the other day I saw a gay man walking down the street here in P-Town and a bunch of slave traders jumped out at him with a net, scooped him up, and packed him on a slave ship to another country.

  2. Patrick Fitzmichael said:

    Michael: The old ‘gays are just like blacks’ argument works like gangbusters! I use it to shut people up. A little caveat from me: the argument works particularly well with white people because it appeals to their white guilt. By comparing homosexuals to blacks, you’re implying that they are the moral equivalent of segregationists if they disagree with us. That’s usually enough to shame them into silence. On the other hand, the argument doesn’t usually work well with blacks, especially those annoying churchy blacks that I hate so much. On a few occasions I have gotten my ass kicked by black people after I used the old “gay = black” meme. So be careful how you use that argument.

  3. Grumpy Old Person said:

    How come so many gay-haters look so very, very homosexual?

    • I know! It’s because gay-haters are secretly homosexual. You see, this whole culture war is really being fought within the tiny percentage of the population that is in fact homosexuals. You have the open L’s,G’s,B’s, and T’s, versus the closeted L’s,G’,B’s, and T’s. It’s an intra-gay slugfest.

      Actually, I just accuse all homophobes of being secretly gay because I know it bothers them. I learned that trick a few years ago.

  4. So using your rational it is legal to fire a gay person, just because they are different

  5. Yes, all humans are gay…that is why there are still children being born every day? I don’t understand your logic here sir.

  6. The problem with your arguement about Christians is that it is bigoted. Let me explain, why should one group be told that they cannot explain their beliefs anywhere? At one point Gays, blacks, and even Irish were in this group and it was wrong. Our Country has corrected that. So now you ask us to do that to another group? I think not. Logically, this could only work if we made every group do this (which would eliminate this blog, by the way) and nobody would be able to talk about anything except work. Political candidates could not campaign and student organizations on campuses would cease. Watch out where your hatred will lead you, because a world like that will never be fun to live in. It is also very difficult to listen to you preach about INCLUSION when all you are talking about is EXCLUDING a whole group of people based on their belief. Please try to read this without bias and fix your logic in your arguments. Hypocrites are great at talking, but walking the talk is much harder. And yes, this applies to everybody at every walk of life regardless of religion, sexuality, or race.

    • All very good points, but you’re missing the key–Christians don’t have rights.

      “It is also very difficult to listen to you preach about INCLUSION when all you are talking about is EXCLUDING a whole group of people based on their belief.”

      Don’t try to portray me as some kind of hypocrite. Inclusion does not mean that I have to hear other ideas that I don’t like. It means people who think butt sex are wrong get fired. That’s the only way inclusion can work. Because if those people aren’t fired then i feel bad, and then I don’t have safe space. Safe space means I can go throught the whole day and never hear anyone say anything that hurts my feelings. This is called diversity. It’s coming to a town near you.

      By the way, where do you work? I think you should lose your job just for leaving such a nasty, homophobic comment on my website. Wait till I get a hold of your employer. They’re going to flip out when they find out what a H8er you are. And then they will fire you.

      • This is random. What are you aspirations for life?

      • My main aspiration is to suppress the first amendment rights of others.

        Isn’t that every gay man’s goal in life?

        I don’t particularly like the free exercise of religion or free speech. Not when they hurt my feelings. That’s why i threaten to kill myself every time the government fails to censor something I don’t want to hear. It’s working pretty well so far.

  7. your*

  8. By “suppressing the first amendment rights of others”, wouldn’t you be doing to same to yourself. If you don’t like free speech, then why are you blabbing about your gay agenda? Your feelings obviously aren’t that hurt if you are still alive. Hearing you threatening to kill yourself gets pretty old.

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